DON'T BE MISTAKEN

Admitting my current state is one of the hardest things I'll ever do in my life. What I'm about to disclose is a reality that I am only choosing to write about in order to help increase awareness and offer support in the future. Right now though, I'm the one in need of some support. I have to admit it out loud if I'm going to deal with it. I'm in the midst of more than just the baby blues. I have a case of Post-partum Depression.

I haven't had a bout with depression since 2 years prior to Layla's birth, so for me to admit that I'm here again is heart breaking for me. I've stood before other women and actually been a mentor, an educator on how not to get here and how to escape the grips of the dark cloud. But here I am, having to remind myself of everything I've taught others. So I'm doing what I know how to do. I'm taking care of myself and I'm clearing my plate a little, until I am healed.

I can only hope that my readers and people around the world will educate themselves enough to know that what is going on with me DOES NOT mean that I'm not happy. It DOES NOT mean that I don't love my children so much it makes my heart ache. It DOES NOT mean I'm not fit to be a mother. It DOES NOT mean I'm a bad, sick person. I AM SO BLESSED AND SO SO SO HAPPY TO BE A MOTHER. NOTHING HAS EVER BROUGHT ME GREATER JOY AND FULFILLMENT THAN MY BABIES. So please don't misunderstand my depression for a lack of love and happiness.

It means that my body is recovering from some major hormonal changes that it is not accustom to. My body doesn't go through the natural woman's cycle that most do. These hormones are not something I've had to cope with in my 30 years of life, until now. It means I need to take some time to get some much needed sleep. Real sleep. Not interrupted sleep. I need to focus on the basics and caring for my needs as well as the needs of my three darlings.

So this week and maybe even next week, I'll be taking a break. Getting some sleep, fresh air, and focusing on loving my children to the greatest capacity... that will be my focus for a few days. I have a 5 point plan on how to beat this beast. And I'm actually looking foreword to being able to write about this journey in the future. I've always felt strongly that by being open and honest and talking about depression - I can help others who are in the hold of of the dark cloud as well as those who have loved ones in the cloud and don't know how to help them. So here I go... I'm going to climb out of the hole, get out from under the cloud and make a return soon so I can be yet another voice of understanding.

Wish me luck. I need all the understanding I can get.
* And a big big big thank you to my most understanding and supportive husband who continues to love me and help me heal.

TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY TWO

Ask anyone that knows me, I talk a lot. I talk too much actually. Just ask Kday.

The other day I asked Kday where Layla learned to talk so much. She NEVER stops talking. Kday just looked at me and smiled, as if to say.... "duh - she learned it from you." Touché.

One evening when I was completely exhausted and quite irritated by all the toddler talk in my ear, I realized that A LOT of the words coming out of my Buca's mouth were the classics.
Who...?
What...?
Why...?
When...?
Where...?

So the next morning I decided to count how many questions Layla asks me in a twenty four hour period. No wonder she's smarter than a whip. We hit 33 questions by 8am. She doesn't even get out of bed until about 7:20 am. Heavens to Murgatroid child! We hit over a hundred by nap time and you better believe we almost made it to an easy three hundred by bed time. We topped off at two hundred and ninety two before she fell asleep while watching Marry Popp1ns. That girl can ask a question about anything and everything. Most of our conversations go something like this:
Layla: "Where's my orange plate?"
Me: "It's in the dishwasher sweetie."
Layla: "Is it in the dishwasher?"
Me: "Yes Layla."
Layla: "Can I have some juice?"
Me: "Sure sweetie."
Layla: "Mom where's my juice?"
Me: "Give me a sec and I'll get it for you."
Layla: "Are you going to get me juice in a sec mom?"
Me: "Yes Layla."
Layla: "What kind of juice?"
Me: "I don't know! Just stop talking long enough for me to gather my whits and find the juice!"
Layla:" What are whits mom?"
Me: "I don't know... I lost mine a long time ago."

Two hundred and eighty seven questions later... I go to bed exhausted and happy that I have such a darling and inquisitive girl following my every move.

I never knew I had so many answers.

ALL GEARED UP

I bought me some running gear.

Shoes - Check

Arch supports (because running at this larger than life size is doing a number on my poor feet)- Check

Running socks that don't have holes in them - Check

Super Duper No Bounce Mega Sports Bra-- Double Check.

When the girl at the running store asked me if I needed to be fitted for a sports bra I instantly remembered the pain of running after nursing O. I explained to the poor employee who really didn't want to know the deets of my lady parts, that it had been hurting to run... even if I doubled up on the sports bras. I call that - "double bagging it." You wanna know what she told me? There can be up to eight inches of travel for the "girls" when running. WHAT! YAOUCH! As if nursing a baby didn't do enough damage! So I threw down some mega cash to get set up with the mega bra of the century that guarantees no bounce-age. This puppy is a beast to get on but it delivers.

I've ventured out on a "run" twice now and it stirs up a mixture of emotions. Frustration -  for the state of my physical limitations and my current weight. Eagerness - to return to a healthier lifestyle and the world of waking up early and breathing in the fresh air this world has to offer. I miss the morning birds chirping and the cool air mixed with my sweat. I don't however miss the total discouragement I feel when I realize how far I've fallen away from the body I worked so hard to achieve the first time. And total overwhelmed at the idea of losing the weight and regaining my life again... for a second time.

Buying the gear was the easiest step, now comes the hard part.... putting it to good use - frequently. 

BABY WEDDING - 1 MONTH ANNIVERSARY

A whole month has passed since the wedding of our middle child to our eternal family. I haven't forgotten a single detail of the day and Jami did a wonderful job of capturing the memories. 

Sit tight... there's a lot of scrolling ahead.

Bountiful Utah Temple

Our children are surrounded with loving cousins - so lucky

I can not get enough of him

It was a happy day with laughter all around

The most important men in my life

I still tell her that she carried the color of the ocean in her eyes when she came to Utah from California

She can't get enough of him either

Brothers for eternity

RECOVERY- THE RETURN OF MANIC MONDAY'S

The "Big Kids" enjoying their loot

Today will be filled with some things and absent of others. After a week and weekend of excitement and Easter holiday traditions, we are all in need some down time. I read Buca loud and clear last night when she told me she'd had too much candy and not enough sleep, when she screamed for over an hour in time out after throwing an temper tantrum on our walk. So we wrapped up the wondrous events that proceeded and put all the chit-lins to bed.

Today will be filled with:

Baths for everyone

Cleaning

Laundry

Organizing baby clothes and getting out spring attire

Naps for the children

Real food for Buca - I don't think she ate anything but candy on Saturday

Music

Open windows

A walk in the fresh air

Kissing the children a million times. Sometimes it's hard to detach my lips from Ohwee's and Monkey's cheeks.

Bed time routines

And maybe even a short run tonight after FHE

Today will be absent of:

Candy

Candy

Candy

Chocolate

Skipping naps

Chocolate

Temper tantrums

Have a wonderful Manic Monday

WELCOME BACK

I sort of made a deal with myself the day Ohwee was born, I would put life on hold until April. I struggle with the months of January, February and March even on a good year when I'm not battling post-partum hormones and sleep deprivation. So I did what came natural after delivering a baby for the first time... I sequestered myself as to allow the time needed to enjoy my new bundles of joy. I gave myself two and a half solid months of reprieve from the realities and demands of daily life - beyond just loving on my babes. April 1st was my "back to life" deadline. I'm owning up to my end of the deal... and so it life. Every minute of this month has rocked so far.
Our "back to life" plans today included our first Easter egg hunt for the holiday and visiting eleven baby goats at my sisters house. And I even managed to get all three kids to nap at the same time for three hours and I took advantage of the snuggle time with baby O. If we can continue on this life path, I think I'm going to make a great come back.

We donned our "mud covers" and headed down to the barn at my sister's neighbors house

What a beautiful place for these darling babies to play and grow

How has my first miracle baby grown up so quickly? 

I'm clearly not in my peak physical form... but this is just the beginning

OH YEAH.... ABOUT THAT

I believe I left you all hanging on a cliff when I mentioned "the big change" I made in my mothering of Owen... and I never followed up with the details of that change. So here's the down low.

I stopped nursing. 

It's taken me a few weeks to say it out loud without crying about it. Total and absolute silliness, I know. But many feelings were tied to my sadness about my choice. I missed the quiet alone time I shared with Owee. I missed our skin touching and most of all I really didn't want to let go of that last step of pregnancy. Nursing was the last physical manifestation (other than the ridiculously high number on the scale) that proved my body had decided to cooperate and function as a woman. Alas had become a breastmilk* snob.
But it was wearing me down. The countless feedings every night  and constant demand for me to sit and ignore the needs of 2 children while I attend to the needs of my youngest. If I attended to everyone's needs, I found myself getting up and down twenty times during a feed and it would take over an hour to accomplish a fifteen minute meal for O. So I dedicated myself to sit through the entire fifteen minute feed, only to find my other children's needs being neglected. It was a toss up between happy newborn = crying 6 month old and destructive 2 year old vs crying newborn and happy older kids. How does one chose? So I decided to find a way to keep everyone happy... and that included a bottle.
I've said from the beginning "Having 3 kids so close together doesn't make me nervous. Having 3 kids so close together and trying to nurse a newborn is what seems scary." And it WAS scary. I knew it was the right decision, all be it the hardest decision, because the minute that I chose to bottle feed Owee - total relief came over me. I didn't realize how overwhelmed I had been until I decided to go with what I knew... bottles. I know how to get a baby on a schedule with bottles. I know how to go places with a baby on a bottle. I know how to get a baby to sleep through the night on a bottle. I know how to BE A MOM with a bottle fed baby... I DIDN'T know how to be a nursing mom. So why keep trying to be something I'm not? So as hard as the choice was, it was the right one. For me, at least.

I still miss it. When we were at the zoo a few weeks ago and I saw the baby monkey swing across the tree, run up to his mom, nuzzle into her chest and latch on - I longed for the same tender moment from my baby. I watched her wrap her arms around her tiny one and sit still amongst the chaos around her and enjoy her little baby as they bonded. I wished I could do the same. But I'm still happy to be able to gaze into Owee's eyes while I feed him now, instead of cover him up with a blanket.

So we set up our bottles for both boys in the early morning and it makes the logistics of the day flow much more smoothly.

Besides.... bottle feeding baby O has given me more time for things like:

Setting up for bedtime routines

Doing fun activities with Layla, like Mr Potato Head and Play-doh creations

 

And realistically, this little turtle doesn't seem to mind the change.

In fact, he's growing like a weed and happier with the bottle.