SHHHH.... IT'S A SECRET

Tonight we'll be doing THIS. Although I'm not sure how much eating and playing our clan will be doing because we've been struck down with the illness from the dark side. It's been a solid week of misery, coughing, headaches, stomach issues, aches, pains, fevers etc. etc.....
Regardless, Rita will throw a spectacular party as always and I will announce my intentions for 2014 tomorrow. Last year I never really settled on my intention and I sort of forced a topic,  and it's usually something that is so obvious I can't help but know exactly what the universe is telling me to focus on. This year is obvious. I know EXACTLY what I need to set my sights on - the universe and my spirit are making it very clear.

Cheers to a New Year celebration and criss cross that my "minute to win it" games will be a hit tonight!

A BLURRY MESS OF JOY

We are sooooo ready for Christmas! Are you? 99% of all purchases this year were made online. Yeah, like I could have made it through a single trip to any store this time of year with three kids.... and not lose my sanity. It's been perfect, each day the kids go down for a nap (well, we attempt, since now the boys get cheap thrills off climbing into each other's cribs and/or climbing out and destructing their room) and I open the front door to a surprise of brown packages just waiting to be secretly hustled downstairs into the "Christmas Closet." There the gifts await to be wrapped during the dark hours of the night when said naughty little kids have finally fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion and they are no longer energized enough to climb crib railings.

We tree shopped at our favorite tree farm again this year, which marks 6 years in a row (minus the year we lived with the folks). I of course only captured a few blurry shots of the children running in all different directions, at the same time. That's kinda how life is right now anyway so it was perfect... A fun blurry mess of smiles and laughter.



And if you're wondering why I have no pictures of my dearest daughter, it's a phase. We have to pretend to be texting to capture her, sans silly face making or hiding from the camera.
And if you're also wondering where our Christmas card is.... It will be a New Years card, because we're cool like that.

See you on the flip side!

ADOPTION - PANDORA'S BOX Part 2

Before I could even explain our circumstances fully to the ski-boot sales woman-  (who by the way should have asked about my level of ski experience before giving me a 10 min. tutorial on how to buckle a boot... Lady, I could out ski you on any powder run on any mountain on any day... just give me the boot already!) Anyway, I was saying... before I could fully explain our circumstances of how our family quickly and very unexpectedly grew to add three children, the woman took the topic of adoption and ran with it. She showed no hesitation to interject her own opinion; "I don't know HOW anyone can just GIVE a baby away, I mean, how horrible! I got pregnant when I was 20 and I'VE raised my daughter alone. I just can't imagine how someone could do that. blah blah blah"

Ohhhhhh Kaaaaayyyyyy tell me how you really feel is what I wanted to spout off. But I didn't, I politely replied with the truth about my children's birth moms - "You know, these women are amazingly strong and capable people who very well could have raised their babies. And they both love their babies very very much" .... I went on to try to open her eyes to the idea of providing a child with a complete family with the stability and love to be the very most successful and blessed version of themselves.
I might as well been talking to Owen's stuffed monkey doll because this lady was having non of it. She chattered on and on about what a "horrible" thing I've done also, to just take someones baby and then get pregnant afterward. This time I didn't hold my tongue so much. "Yeah, well just so you know my husband and I were married for over a decade and never used birth control and that includes 4 years of invasive fertility treatments and of ALL of that sex... we only resulted in 1 successful pregnancy. So it's not like it was planned." (Sorry TMI - I'm well aware but I was feeling helpless and humiliated and I didn't know how else to stand up for myself.)

Her commentary on the subject of adoption and her liberal upbringing continued on and repeatedly bashed me as an adoptive mother, all the while adjusting the ski boot. I grew silent as I realized that nothing I could say to this woman would help her see the miraculous gift I was given to be a mother. I was never going to convince her of the grace, maturity, selfless Christ like love my children's birth mothers possess. I so badly wanted her to understand a birth parent's loving actions. I fought back tears and frustration while I waited for her to finish pontificating and give me my box with boots in it.
I hurried out of there as fast as I could, shared my humiliation with Kday and he offered to report her. I said it wouldn't do much good, it would just further her hatred toward "our kind." Whatever we are...

I cried the whole way home, luckily the children napped so they didn't see their mother broken hearted.
I have always carried with me a heavy load of guilt as an adoptive mom. Very few people will ever watch a woman sacrifice her motherhood for her child's needs. And as the woman on the receiving end of that sacrifice, one that allows me to be a mother... I can't help but feel guilty for that woman's pain. My journey to motherhood didn't come without someone else's unbearable pain. I don't take my role as my kids mom lightly because of that. So it's hurts me so badly when this sales woman somewhat validated my feelings of guilt for becoming a mother at someone else's expense.

The spirit has been whispering to me though to remind me that I didn't ask for infertility, I didn't take anyone's child... my children were a gift and I need to move foreword with gratitude - not guilt. I hope my kids' birth parents know how much I love them, how grateful I am for them, and how much I need their love and acceptance in return. I will never be able to express how much I KNOW of the love our birth mother's have for their babies, I KNOW they could have rallied their resources and chosen to parent. I KNOW that Heavenly Father wanted these babies to be in an eternal family also, I KNOW that he helped bring our families together for the greater good of our children's lives on earth. And I KNOW that someday in the after life our wounds will be healed and we can all live together and love each other for what we both sacrificed for our children. Maybe that's all I should have said to the sales woman, because no one can argue with a testimony of love.

ADOPTION - PANDORA'S BOX Part 1

2 points to take into consideration while reading this post: 
1. I like to think I'm in a position to be an advocate for adoption. I enjoy sharing the proper adoption etiquette lingo as well as hoping I can leave a positive impression on people who are new to adoption. I also love to speak positively about our children's birth parents and sing their praises for their strength and Christ like love.

2. I don't believe in dishonesty, it goes against my moral and religious beliefs and I don't want my kids to think it's OK to lie in situations when it's just plain easier than the truth.

That being said, let me tell you about my lunch date with Kday at REI today.
We meandered into the ski boot section well knowing the exact boot we wanted to walk out with today. I had already tried the boots on a month ago and we've  been saving our money and our 3 years worth of dividend to be able to afford them. I decided to try the boots on one more time before making the big purchase because I have commitment issues with spending large amounts of cash. Aaaannnnnyway, our kids were with us and the sales woman questions, in reference to the boys,  "Twins?"I get this question a lot and here's my constant dilemma - Tell the truth or lie and simply say yes twins? I've been known to lie once in awhile and it's for a variety of reasons:
A: It avoids a million awkward follow up questions with complete strangers about my fertility and/or the adoption process and judgment toward the birth parents.
B:  Sometimes I've just got to make a quick escape to the car before one of the kids poops their pants or melts down or chucks something and I just don't have 25 minutes to spend discussing my lack of ovulation - again, with complete strangers!
C: If I can tell that the person is already judging me in a negative light... then we have nothing to discuss. Some people are haters, they act like I walked into a hospital and stole a baby. And nothing I say will ever change their mind.
D: I don't want to hear the age old wives tale about "Oh, see... you just needed to relax!"C'mon people, relaxing doesn't fix non-functioning internal organs!!!!

But overall I don't like to lie because I've also had some really beautiful moments shared with complete strangers who tell me all about their adoption, or their grandkids who were adopted, or about the time they placed their baby and how happy they are to see how much I love my kids. With the truth I've been able to help people change their old-fashioned beliefs about adoption. The truth has it's own way of spreading the spirit of adoption and I don't want to stifle that. I can't however always feel the situation out before deciding with which answer I go with. Do I share our beautiful story? Or do I lie to  simplify the situation and get done what I'm there to get done?

Today I answered truthfully, "No they're not twins." (sometimes I can get away with just that) and she followed up with "how close in age are they!?"  With my honest answer I had un-knowingly just opened Pandora's box....

To Be Continued....................

DEAR SANTA

I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but Layla is a smarty pants galore. The girl figured out the concept of addition all by herself. The other day we were driving home from Rita's house and Layla asked how many 5 plus 5 was. I said, figure it out and no later than ten seconds passed when she answered correctly. So I started quizzing her on the subject and she didn't hesitate and didn't miss an answer! I'd love to say "Oh yes, we've been working on our math skills all summer," but that would be a lie... she's just a smart little cookie. With yummy cookie cheeks that I like to nibble on.

So when she asked to write a letter to Santa on Wednesday right during the middle of dinner prep (of course... it's like a silent siren sounds for all children to suddenly need everything within the 30 minutes it takes to get dinner made) I whipped out a sheet of scrap paper and a pencil and thought she would just scribble  a few makeshift words and call it good. Nope. I shoulda known better. She wanted a bonafied, legit letter to the Big Man at the North Pole and she wanted it word for word. I took a ruler to the page and plotted out some lines and she slowly and steadily asked how to spell each word in her carefully planned letter. "Mom, how do I spell DEAR?" And while I boiled lasagna noodles and saute'd spinach I'd respond, "D... now next to the D put an E.... next to the E put an A....." You get the picture. An hour and a half passed by and we had half a letter. Her hand was tired and I was bored so we agreed to rest and start again in the morning. Another hour spent finishing the letter and about thirty minutes drawing a picture -  and her first hand written and independently illustrated letter to Santa was ready to stuff in the envelope.

While we were discussing what to say in the letter we talked about the children who don't get toys on Christmas because they don't live in a house of their own. I asked Layla the open ended question if we could do anything about that and she volunteered to sacrifice her favorite Lalalo0psy doll and scooter. She excitedly told me how she would leave it under the tree for Santa to take to someone who wasn't going to get any toys. I was a proud to be the Mama of that smart little cookie.

Dear Santa:
I have been
a very good
helper with my
2 brothers this
year. Could you
please bring
me a Calico
Critter Ice Cream
Truck? I know
that some
 kids don't have
toys, so I want
to give them my
lalaloopsy
toy. I'll leave it
under the tree
Layla

A picture of her Lalalo0psy doll so Santa would know which one to take for the homeless children.

Aren't her e's just the best e's you've ever seen!? And those giant y's i can't get enough.
Dear Santa: Please don't let my Layla grow up at all this year. She is the perfect age and I don't ever want her to stop coloring, dancing, playing, singing,  and imagining like she does now.
Sincerely,
One happy mom.

MY "TA-DA" LIST

Since Tuesday was a complete disaster day learning day as a mother, and because I spent at least half my day on my knees in prayer begging the Lord to help me feel a little more successful.... My Wednesday was blessed. It was a good day, a lot was accomplished including play time and many moments of thanks sent heavenward for answered prayers.  I'm incorporating this fabulous idea from this amazing woman: Meg Johnson.

My Ta-Da List for Wednesday:

 clearly putting make-up on wasn't on the list.

*Put away three loads of laundry

*bathed, fed, and dressed all three kids - including french braids in Layla's hair

*Dropped Layla at pre-school

*Stopped at the bank

*Grabbed a dirty diet coke at the drive-thru (most important part of surviving Costco)

*Costco run with the boys

*Visited with a friend at costco

*returned an item to Deseret Bo0k

*Home and unloaded a million groceries

*walked over to pick Layla up from school

*Fed the kids

*Dressed Layla in ballet attire and dropped her off at ballet class

*Delivered books from my book party to 7 houses

*Picked Layla up

*Read stories to 3 very tired and cranky kids

*Tucked them into bed

*Blogged

*Cleaned/vacuumed/dishes (remember all those sippy cups I ignored... they had to be done eventually)

*Made an actual dinner

*Spent a few hours helping Layla write a letter to santa (I'll post about that tomorrow, the cutest thing EVER)

*Played cars with the boys

*At dinner as a family

*Watched a movie with the kids

*Tickled the kiddos and read bed time stories

*Dressed 3 wiggly kids in jammies

(I was exhausted by this point and my dear Kday finished up the teeth brushing and tucking in routine)

*Typed new class lists, room assignments, and door signs for our 2014 Primary Children

Whew, that's a typical weekday around these parts and I do very much love it. Very much. And as much as I know that people will judge me for my bad days, I continue to write without bias. I trust that those who know anything about the reality of parenting 3 beautiful children will understand that there are bound to be some rough days but that those bad days don't discredit the immeasurable amount of love I have for this job. It's worth every drip of blood, sweat and tears. 

MUDDLED LESSONS

Photo courtesy of: Kday, Cotton Sox photography, and Endurance 360

Man yesterday was a doooooozy. Have you ever had a day when you feel like your children people are slinging mud at you? Non. Stop? That was exactly how my day felt, and on one or two occasions snowy dirt mud was actually being flung at me. It was a moment in motherhood opposite of those sweet "M.A.M.A moments." It was in fact so far opposite, that it felt like an entirely different career path I had awoken to. The decibel level of whining toddlers pierced through my soul like a flechette and I lost all composure. Numerous. times. And by ALL composure... I mean - ALL composure. I screamed, I cried, I wailed, I stomped around the house... I basically reverted to acting like my small children. Nice job mom. I finally hit the floor on my knees after the kids were nestled for naps. I asked my Heavenly Father why I was so bad at a job I so desperately want to be great at. I poured out my desires unto my God and begged him to help me see more clearly what I was doing wrong and how to fix it. 

Then I picked myself up and salvaged what little bit of daylight was left.

Layla awoke and begged to play in the snow. She suited up and I watched through the kitchen window as she trampled around the yard and stomped through the fresh foot of powder on the deck. She was making a snow angel while I washed a mountain of dirty sippy cups and my answer came. My spirit whispered, you want to be a better mom? Then go outside and play with her. I ignored it and kept scrubbing away. It knocked on my heart again and said again (in a bit of an annoyed that I didn't listen the first time tone), you want to be a better mom? Go outside and play with her. 

I set the one of two thousand sippy cups down and followed my instructions. We played and laughed. We worked together to shovel clear the trampoline and then headed over to the neighbors driveway that  was still fresh with untouched Utah powder. I told her to sit down and help me plow the driveway by putting her legs out like a "V". Then I scooped her up with the shovel and slid her across the driveway. My own personal snow plow. She loved it and she even said, "Mom this is so much fun aaaaand we are doing service for the neighbors!" 

So much was learned yesterday. I need to stop requiring so much of my small children and remember that they learn through play, not through restrictions and constant discipline or lectures. Parenting is a hard job and its a REALLY hard job the more kids you have. I'm learning that not all 2 year olds are created equal and my expectations for each of them needs to vary a little. And I learned that I need to ask for more help from my Heavenly Father who knows my children better than I do, and who knows my desire for competency. 

The rest of the night was spent on the floor working out boyish wars over sharing hot wheels cars among other things. I spent time trying to teach through play instead of through run-on sentences of rules and expectations. Cars were still thrown, brothers were still pushed by one another, and they cried as much in the evening as they did in the morning... But I was more patient and willing to sacrifice my wants for their needs. And when the muddiness of the day cleared, life looked pretty good again with a fresh dusting of snow sent by God. 

REMEMBER HOW?....

Remember how the Halloween Extravaganza was over a month ago?

Remember how I totally couldn't wait to show you how much fun we had?

Remember how I put up our "Thanksgiving Tree" a month ago?

Remember how I couldn't wait to show you how awesome it looked this year?

Remember how this autumn season was long and perfect?

Remember how I was dying to post about how happy I was to enjoy it with the kids?

Remember how I prepared for winter before Halloween even arrived?

And remember how today when it actually snowed I felt totally unprepared and had a melt down?

Remember how I used to blog all about the awesome and not so awesome parts of parenting?

Well.... I remember too. 

And I'm itching to write.

But there is this one darned situation that has me feeling guarded, precautionary and well... a little defensive. 

I'm trying to toil through the sea of emotions so that I can open myself back up to my favorite readers.

So with this new white blanket of snow that is hiding the dirty grimy remnants of autumn... 

I plan to blanket you with postings in an effort to stow away my insecurities and restlessness.