ON THE BRINK

I haven't left the house for a "real reason" in over a week, other than for emergency trips to the store for formula, thermometer, prescriptions, or to the dr's office. My awesome progress that I had made on packing the house has been severely dawdled. I stink. I stink worse than the diaper pale that hasn't been emptied in days. The shirt I've donned continuously for the past 3 days is soiled in tears, spit up, food, snot, and other mysterious body odors.
I'm panicking about the move. How do I say goodbye to the home I've welcomed my two children to? I have so many memories here, the past few days are possibly my least favorite. But none the less, many many memories. My mind is swirling with thoughts, worries, eagerness, frustrations, and more. As much as I don't want to leave the comfort and security of my home, I just want this move to be over with. I want to have the time and energy to be a normal mom again. Go to the zoo, the park, get outside more frequently than every 72 hours. I want to shower, wear regular clothes, and feel like a productive member of society.
In all the years I've managed my depression - I've learned not to live in the state of "I'll be happy when..." however, in this situation - I'll be happy when I sadly say goodbye to this home and settle into our temporary diggs and watch my to do list dwindle to things I want to do, not have to do.
As much as I'd love to say I have my shiz together and I'm superwoman who handles the craziness in my life with total grace and ease... I don't. So because I'm feeling like I'm on the brink of losing my mind with all that's going on... I'll be back in no time and I'll find my sanity soon. Promise! Probably around October 3rd... if I was a guessing woman.

ROCKTOBER IS COMING!

Rider was born at the end of August. Now we're scheduled to move out of the humble abode I love to reside in (we need more space... hello! Have you not noticed I have babies coming out of my ears these days and no where to put them!?) next week. So September has disappeared, but I couldn't be happier. I LOVE October so much I insist it be called Rocktober - because I like to rock it. First off it's my birthday month. Second it's Halloween. Third the beautiful autumn weather is upon us and I can start wearing my cardigans over the arms I loath and not die of heat stroke. Super Rad. This October is going to be superb. My horoscope knows it, I know it, and now you know it. And when I settle into my new diggs I'll fill you in on all the September happenings of the adoption and the most amazing last 3 weeks of my life.

Here's another little treat to keep you enticed.

NOT SO DEVIOUS...

As much as I'd love to keep on with the adoption stories, mostly for my own documentation purposes... there's just not time this week. Or next. So go ahead, hate me. But I've concocted a devious plan to keep you lured into the blog for a few more days until the time arrives for the recapitulation of how Rider got here and how wonderful life as a mother of 2.5 is. Do you realize that our family right now is the exact amount of statistical numerics for the average American family size?! I do love statistics. We have precisely two and a half children. Awesome. I just hope the half turns into a full as profoundly perfect as this little monkey did...

STAY TUNED FOR MORE PICS OF THE MONKEY MAN TOMORROW.
Pictures taken by none other than the fabulously talented Jamie Caldewell. Also known for her incredible running and iron-man skills. If you'd like to book a photo shoot of your own, email me for her info. You wont be disappointed!

AHHHHH

We take a break in the regularly scheduled program of recapping our adoption week of Rider... to show you this darling picture. He hasn't been feeling so hot lately and neither has Layla. We'll summarize with the words, diarrhea, puke, and fever. Plus I'm trying to sort through and pack up my entire life by Saturday. So I'll get to the good stuff later tonight, but for now here's a little ditty of my chunky monkey. He LOVE's his bath. And I LOVE him.

RIDER'S BIRTHDAY- Part 2

5:35 am Kday and I in an attempt to get out of the way slide up to corner of the room at the head of the bed. Kday was uber impressed with the "transformer-esque" of the hospital bed into the delivery stirrups. (Men... we're about to welcome our son into the world and he's preoccupied by the mechanics of the L&D bed!) He had all intentions of leaving the room during delivery but we were trapped! There was no way out of the room and too many people rushing about and setting up for delivery. So I watched out of the corner of my eye as Kday slumped down into a chair and prepared himself for the unimaginable. (Keep in mind, he usually passes out at the sight of an IV) I stood there feeling helpless as I watched BM struggle in pain with nothing for relief because she was too far into the labor. Only a quick hour since our arrival and I was staring at a nurse who was yelling at me telling me to grab BM's leg and help her push. What do you want me to do!? But as I looked at BM she was too far gone in pain to listen to the nurses instructions to grab her own legs and push. So I did what came natural... I grabbed her leg and watched her face as she pushed and breathed through the contraction. A quick peek at Kday but all I could see was a ghostly white resemblance of my husband. He was about to go, but I was a little busy and couldn't do much to offer him support.

5:42 am After 2 short pushes and a few issues with the umbilical cord... our son was born. I couldn't believe how much I loved him the instant I saw his little blue gooey face. Nothing else in the room mattered as I listened to his scream and ached to be the only one there to have him all to myself. He was perfect, perfectly alive and my love for Layla was not divided... but rather it was multiplied to encompass the both of them.

And then my attention naturally turned to BM as I watched the pain in her face turn to fear as they handed her a baby that she would never get to raise and care for. She looked scared and confused and I understood completely. How is she supposed to feel about this little miracle that I love so much and I get to be sealed to for eternity?

5:55 am The chaos in the room winds down as baby is now perfectly fine and labor is completed. BM's expression still remains one of hesitation but deep down I know she was just as in love with this little man as I was. She just wasn't able to show it as blatantly as Kday and I were. I couldn't peel my eyes off the baby, my heart swelled with almost an aching love. I was so filled with joy, yet standing right next to someone who was so filled with sadness in order to allow my joy. What are we supposed to do next?

RIDER'S BIRTH DAY - Part 1

If you have the time to read this post, I suggest you get comfy, put on your glasses and pull out the tissue box. Here is Rider's birth story:

(for simplification matters... BM is Riders' Birth Mom... ha ha, very funny - I'm well aware what BM stands for in the medical field but just get over it ok cuz it will make this story a lot easier to type.)  :)

3:45 am after weeks of sleeping with my phone in hand, showering every day, and ensuring that the house was spotless... we got THE CALL. Of course it was the second day I'd gone without a shower and the house wasn't spotless. Laundry was piled, dishes dirty and most of all I was doing it all on purpose to tempt fate. And it worked. Ha! The minute I heard the phone ring I knew it was BM - Kday and I both jumped up as I answered it. A calm, collected "Good Morning" were her exact words. I said, "Are you OK? Are you in labor?" She told me she had just arrived at the hospital and when I asked her how she got there her answer was interrupted by a contraction that took her breath away. "Never mind... We're on our way... see you soon."

Wow, I couldn't believe it was finally here. I took the worlds fastest shower while Kday called his mom to come stay the night with Buca. Thank goodness I had set aside the outfits we planned to wear because I'm sure clothing shenanigans at 4am wouldn't have gone over well with Kday.

4:15 am Dressed, hair done and bags waiting by the door we nervously drove away in the dark of the night knowing that the next time we got in our car we will have met our son for the first time. Kday and I nervously conversed about what to expect. I'm certain I haven't had butterflies in my stomach so acutely since walking into the hospital to meet Layla.

4:45 am I nervously fidget with the nu-nu softy I had just purchased two days earlier to give to the baby, as we waited for the security guard to check our names on the admittance list in the ER. He asks who we are and how we're related to the patient..... in unison Kday and I look at each other and say "We're the adoptive parents." Walking up to the L&D room felt like a million miles long as if we were moving in slow motion. Suite 4. It wasn't 7 or 9 but it would do for now :)

It was a little awkward to say the least as Kday and I nervously sat down in the corner and tried to stay out of the way and not say the wrong things. BM was already in the zone and naturally breathing through the contractions, so conversation was mostly whispers between Kday and I. Really, not much was said between any of us. I don't think any of us knew what to say in those moments, and the quiet sound of baby boy's heart beat was the perfect calming background noise.

5:20 am A cup of ice chips later and BM asked the nurse for an epidural. The nurse said "Sure, let me just check you real quick so I can notify anesthesia." Two seconds later the nurse regretfully said, "sweetheart, I'm sorry but you're not going to have time for an epidural... Please DON"T PUSH!" And she ran out of the room shouting through the halls for the MD be notified and for nursery to get to Suite 4 stat.

5:30 am Kday gave BM a blessing as the chaos and pain were increasing too rapidly to handle and she needed Kday's strong priesthood presence to calm the mood. A blessing that was interrupted by a Dr waltzing in with untied shoelaces and muffed up hair. Clearly just awoken and hurried to the hospital he checked BM and said, "Ya two pushes and this little baby will be here."

TO BE CONTINUED.....

LIST 'O Q'S

My lack of posting is NOT going to be a habit. I swear. I have so much to write about, so so so so much.
Tomorrow night, The Birth Story. Promise.

But for now it's 12:59 am and my house is finally as clean as the good old days. Laundry is caught up, floors mopped, cupboards stocked, vacuumed, dusted, bleached, organized and such. I actually walked into the kitchen and said, "Kday, get in here! I don't even recognize the kitchen, it's been so long since it looked like this!" And to top it all off... fresh flowers on the center of the table from my 10 year anniversary date with Kday. That's another post I'm excited to write.

Tomorrow is Brudda's 2 week Dr appointment. I have a huge list of questions. More than I ever did as a first time mom. What's up with that? We have to be out of the house and at the MD's office by 10 am. So outfits are layed out and diaper bag packed for Layla and Rider. Here's my list of questions for the Dr... if he doesn't kick me out of the office because I'm so annoying.

1. Twitching - Rider's doing this weird twitch that is more frequent and severe than just the typical startle reflex. It's a little scary to watch actually. Hoping it's benign and not any type of seizure activity. (call me a hypochondriac - I don't care. It's freaky and I don't like it)
Here's a video... watch to the end and you'll see how frequent it is. And being swaddled makes it worse.



2. Hep B - We need it cuz BM refused it at the hospital

3. Projectile Vomiting - At first I thought it was because rider was going too long between meals and then gorging himself. But we've put him on a 3 hour schedule and limited amounts during feeding and he is still doing it once a day. And it's mega amounts of vomit. Enough to create puddles and for me to need to suction him because he chokes on it. Ick.

4. Grunting- Super loudly at night and even during the day. It's getting worse and Rider is totally uncomfortable and squirmy after meals. He can't get comfortable and struggles to burp. Should we change formula?

5. Why am I such a freakazoid mom?

Good night.

A LITTLE LESS O.C.D... A LITTLE

Often after people observed my typical punctilious personality with Layla everyone always told me "With your first baby if you drop the binki you'll sterilize it before putting it back in the baby's mouth. With the second baby you'll wash it off in some water, and with the third you let the dog lick it clean and then give it back to the baby...."

Well... I'm sort of to that second baby point, I guess... in my own way. It's not exactly as casual as rinsing off a binki with water yet, but I'm getting there. For example: I've really loosened up about the way I wash bottles. With Layla, I wouldn't wash the bottles with any other dishes in the sink and I used a different scrubber for bottles only. I'd bleach the sink after washing all other dishes and then put the bottles in the clean sink to be washed. (Remember, I've never had a dishwasher in all the 10 years of marriage) Then the bottles were to be dried separately than the rest of the dishes also, on their own drying rack. With Rider I've really relaxed and now the bottle sit in the dirty sink with all the rest of the dirty food and dishes. I EVEN put the bottles in the same water as the rest of the dishes to be washed at the same time! I fret over it and it makes me a little irritated, but at least I'm doing it right! I still however use a "bottles only" scrub brush and the bottles are still to dry on their own drying rack. And the drying rack has to be placed on top of a white Gerber cloth diaper rag, not a kitchen dish towel. I suppose I'm a bit chauvinistic about baby bottles mixing with the icky dishes with family left overs in the sink... but it's progress right!?

Who knows, maybe by baby number three I really will just let Kashi clean all the bottles. Or maybe not, just the thought of that made me want to check into a psych ward. Because really - I'm hoping to have me a real live dishwasher in a new house by then anyway... one with a sanitizing mode, just for bottles. :)
You should be proud of me... this is the cleanest Buca's room has been in the two weeks since Rider has been here. See! I really am chilling out people ;)

Enjoy your weekend. I'll be spending mine trying to discover less obsessive compulsive ways to survive motherhood of two.

21.5 WEEKS

You know you're pregnant when.....

This commercial makes me cry. The wife is such a beast and the husband is so sweet.


I also cry because it's so cute when Layla asks me to put on the hat, which is really her vegetable basket from her little kitchen and then cries when she asks "Pway whiff me mom?" and I can't because I need to feed her baby brother who'm I also love so much!

And I tend to cry at least once a week whenever things don't go smoothly with our house sell or house hunting.

Also, you know you're pregnant when NOTHING in your closet fits on the lower half of your body.
And when you look in the mirror and realize that your back fat / love handles are growing as rapidly as your belly. Notice the strategic hand placement to cover my love handles...

I love my baby bump, but I don't love any other of the lumps and bumps. Whatever, I'll take the good with the bad any day if it means a baby that's grown to the length of a carrot is in my belly. This is what I think of when I read that the baby is the size of a carrot.
"long pointy"


Good Night.

SWEAT-PANTS * GLOW-WORMS * AND LOOK-ALIKES

If I could, I'd sit in my sweatpants and snuggle these two angels all day for the rest of the week.

Have you ever noticed how bad it sucks to put on regular - non stretch clothing after wearing sweat pants and a sports bra for a week? 

It sucks.

What doesn't suck is the awesomeness of newborns and how they just melt away all the other stress and overwhelming lists of chaos in your life.

I could care less about email, phone calls, bills, house buyers, packing, etc.

I just want to sit in my rocking chair...

In sweat pants and a sports bra...

Braiding Layla's doll's hair and reading stories to her...

While smelling Rider's hair and spit up breath.

It's the best place on Earth.

*

*

*

As a matter of fact... Here's a picture of my little glow worm.

I freaking love him so much that sometimes it makes my heart ache a little bit.

Is that weird? 

It almost hurts to look at him because I just absolutely love him so much that I can't take it unless he's in my arms and under my nose and against my lips.

*

*

*

Chiggity Check out these sibling pictures.

Compare and contrast?

Layla on the left and Rider on the right

Basically twins... one with more hair.

Craziness.

God's plan really is more perfect than my color coded one.

*

*

*

More to come, 

I know everyone is dying to hear the birth story and other such fantastic posts...

but I'm still in baby heaven and I haven't quiet been able to pull myself off cloud nine to join reality and responsibility yet.

Soon though....

I guess.

RIDER KEVIN DAY

Ahhhhhhhhh. Deep breath out and relax into the wonderful smell of baby breath. Everything went beautifully and we're home. If you need me I'll be camped out in my rocking chair, wearing p.j's, and eating comfort food while I feed my new little man crush. The smell of his spit up breath is even the sweetest thing you'd ever find. Everything about him including his single dimple on his right cheek is a slice of heaven. See for yourself.

It's snuggle time... see you on Monday.
And p.s... THANK YOU FOR EVERYONE'S PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS. You'r support was felt deeply and we couldn't have survived this experience without you.