B+ FOR EFFORT

I really wanted to do a picture review of this year and if I had put a little more time and effort in... you would be viewing 12 awesome photo's right now. The problem we ran into is that when I got my new boyfriend... HERE he has been a bit dysfunctional and he refuses to give me access to any photo's that were imported off my old computer. Stupid.
So, because I have time on my hands while waiting around for this baby to shove out, you'll get your post later this week. It's a matter of retrieving the data off my old busted up computer that hardly functions and attempting to post them during the 3.5 seconds of battery power the computer can hold during each charge cycle.
I probably could have tried a little harder to get the post completed but I was busy walking around the zoo and doing "curb walking" (more on that later) all day trying to induce labor. Obviously it wasn't a successful attempt. I guess my run for the free diaper prize for having the new years baby is a lost cause by now. But I'm living it up and celebrating the ending of a superb year with the one's I love.

IN THE WORKS

I have a fantastic 2011 year in review post for you.

A New Years Eve post with the announcement of my 2012 "intentions" (go here for an understanding of why I set intentions and not resolutions and to read about my super awesome psychic abilities about receiving my two boys!)

And a post about my 2012 documentation plans... and comparisons

It's all in the works and depending on how quickly I get my errands run today will depend on the arrival of these cheeky little posts for your viewing pleasure.

BACK PEDDLING

I've had a terrible cough and cold the past two weeks. It has included a stuffy nose that limits my already poor sleep quality to about nil, and a cough that makes me question if my water keeps breaking and feel like my stomach is ripping from the inside out all at the same time. So those around me have been watching me curl up in a ball and cross my legs every time I cough while I whine about how bad it hurts. That state of being has left me saying things like, "Oh I've GOT to get this baby out!" "I can't take it anymore! I just want to feel good for 5 minutes." But don't for one second think about leaving a comment telling me that you told me so. :) Because after finally finding out I can take Mus1nex to relieve my cough and a little peppermint essential oil on the bottom of my feet and under my nose to increase breathability... I am eating my words.

When I logged onto blogger today and saw my baby ticker listed only 18 days left in this pregnancy - I realized how short and doable those few days are! Holy smokes! Only 18 days. Eighteen short days until I meet my little boy. Just a few days left to wonder what he'll look like, what will his temperament be, will he have Kday's hair? Eighteen days to memorize the feeling of every move he makes inside me, to enjoy the natural beauty of my body nurturing his independently. Eighteen short days to debate over his name, daydream about his smile and eye color. I can't believe I'm going to have another son in my arms in eighteen short days. I think I need more time.
But only if my belly won't get any bigger... and I start sleeping... and I don't gain any more weight.

I can't believe my nine months of pregnancy bliss is going to be over in just eighteen days. I will be as equally happy to meet my son as I will be sad to see the miracle of pregnancy leave my body. I really, truly have loved almost every single second of it. And I hope I'll be saying, "see you later" and not "goodbye" to pregnancy on my D day.... only time will tell.

CHRISTMAS HAPPENINGS 2011

What a beautiful weekend. Christmas Eve started us out on the right foot with an annual hike up to Snowbasin, our favorite mountain. 

Buca learned how to make a snow angel

 Christmas traditions were in full swing and everything was wonderful.

The Christmas Nativity was read and the children all dressed their part. Layla our angel and Rider was the sweetest baby Jesus.

Cookies for Santa needed to be tested to make sure of the deliciousness

Kday stayed up all night assembling Santa's gifts

A 4 foot doll house was in order this year was the closest thing to our having a real house for Christmas

Buca loved it

It wouldn't be the holidays without a delicious candy cane to eat... and I munched on his cheeks all day and night, and day and night.

Santa brought Rider a "Hawaiian Island" It will be his escape when the chaos of another baby hits the fan.

 

Buca's traditional Christmas Chinese attire. My own little China doll for church.

MY EVERY DAY MIRACLES

I loved that we attended church on Christmas morning. What a better way to show our gratitude for Christ than to attend and worship Him. Despite the fact that the Christmas program was intertwined with beginner level violins, harps, and off key singers... I found myself on the back row of the chapel, crying my chubby little eyes out. Sweet Layla kept asking me what was wrong but all I could say was "I'm just so happy." As I listened to the twangy, desperate violin attempt to play Oh Holy night it didn't matter that it wasn't perfect. My life is perfect enough. I looked at my two beautiful children and I sat in awe as I contemplated how they could have been so courageous in the Pre-mortal Existance, to volunteer to live their lives on earth according to their birth mother's free agency. To sacrifice their livelihood for the freedom of one person's choice... would they grow up in a broken home without the gospel or opportunity in their lifetime? Or would they be loved enough to be given a chance, an eternal sealed family, and a life of love, happiness and the gospel? It was up to their birth parents and they chose to make the sacrifice of a lifetime for these sweet spirits.
And I, how lucky to be the one to receive such miracles? Why me? I am not one ounce deserving of these beautiful babies that stand before and inside of me. What a wonderful weekend to focus on the gift of life that one small baby can bring to millions of other lives.

My family is beautiful and I wept.... as I'm sure Mary and Joseph did as they stood over their small miracle. 

THE MOSES AFFECT

I sure am going to miss being pregnant and having magical powers that seem to part the crowded seas of people during the holiday season! It's like people see me coming from a mile away and they do all things possible to get out of my way and make room for my oversize load to enter. It's awesome. The magic works in all sorts of public places like the mall, book stores, target, church... you name it - I part it. Even the annoying phone salesmen at the mall ignore me. Doors are opened and people let me cut in line all the time. It's as if they're worried that I'm going to have the baby right then and there at the store if I stand in line for too long. I LOVE IT!

NINJA BELLY AND A FEW RANDOMS

Kday enjoys asking Rider if he pooped... and Rider thoroughly enjoys the conversation

I'll spare you the picture of my stretch mark covered belly, but you gotta know about Kday's newest hobby. He likes to draw faces on my belly. I find it relaxing and the baby loves it and his kicks follow the pen. Last night kday chose to turn my belly button into a ninja with a mustache. Super.
Kday says if my belly button could talk based on it's shape...  it used to be shaped  to say "OOOOOHHHH" and now it's stretched so far that it could barely squeeze out a "WEEEEEEEEEE" sound. I'm glad he's so intrigued by my non cute body changes.

Attention L&D nurses, don't be alarmed when you expose my ginormous belly to set up the monitors and you find a silly face staring right back at you and screeching "eeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaak!"  That's just the kind of whacko's we are.

P.S
I've shopped for and wrapped gifts for all friends and family birthday's that are scheduled to pop up between now and March. Just to make life with 3 under 2.5 a little easier for a few months. And I only have four things left on my official "To Do Before The Baby Comes"list:
1. Whiten teeth
2. Sew car seat cover and install car seat base
3. Finish sending out all thank you cards from the baby shower
4. Write up Rider's and Layla's schedule for Kday's sister who will be babysitting the kids during and after D day.

YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

If you've ever had to go to the ER or get unexpected medical care the first thing you suddenly assess is "Are my legs shaved?" or "Is my underwear clean?" Well, it has come to that time of this pregnancy where I feel like I need to be "hospital ready" twenty-four-seven. Although I'm positive that I'm jinxing myself, because I did the same thing with Layla and Rider. For weeks before they were born I made sure to have the house spic and span, daily showers, hair and makeup always done and clothes pressed. But the minute I went two days without showering and had nothing clean to wear... their birth mothers decided to go into labor. Jinxed.

But for now I'll take my chances and continue to prepare in the best way I know how, by attempting to feel "put together" at all times. I'm totally paranoid about my water breaking in public though and I hope that if I am one of the lucky 15% who's water breaks naturally, I hope it's at home!

I love that the Holidays are in full swing and are acting as a much needed distraction for the big D-delivery day. Normally I think I'd be pacing the floors trying to induce labor out of pure excitement, but I have two reasons why I'd rather this little man stay tucked in for a few more weeks.
1. Nobody wants their birthday overshadowed by Christmas
2. I don't want to pay my deductible in the last week of December, only to turn around and start all over in January!
So bratty of me, I know. And if you know me even the slightest, you'll know how happy I'll be when this little man comes - no matter what time of day or day of the year. I'm just saying... If we end up with the New Years Baby award and happen to win a lifetime supply of diapers or something - it would rickity rock my world.

TWO AND SEVENTY

Progress is happening and this little boy is already obeying! He flipped and is head down! I'm at a 2 and 70%... I'll go into no further detail for those poor souls who are reading this and have no idea what those numbers are.
I've been overcharged with a zest for nesting! I've hit the moment of feeling like I need to be ready to go into labor at any minute of any day and so my surroundings must be in perfect order. I'm hustling and bustling of a different nature this holiday season, around the house with cleaning products in hand and baby clothes to be folded. My hospital bags are packed and although I guessed that this baby won't arrive until close to my due date... one can never be too prepared.

More later tonight when I've exhausted all nesting intuitions.

LOPSIDEDNESS AND LIES

My baby belly is growing more and more lopsided these days. I'm certain this boy is still breech as his kicks reassure me of his south facing foot placement about a hundred times a day. Yikes. I'm clumsier than ever and as I've lost all visual fields below midline. I can only mildly relate to what Becky must feel each day, as I stumble and stub my toes and shins on everything. In fact tonight I took a small spill down the stairs because I couldn't see Buca's left over toys on the top stair. Holding Monkey in my arms, we both slid down in what I can only describe as slow motion, while I panicked and feared we wouldn't stop until we reached the bottom. Four stairs and a few four letter words later... we skidded to a halt. Shiz.

The time has come... the time to lie. It's time to start lying and bumping up my due date to "any day now!" I'm getting too many of the "wow! you look like you're ready to pop" comments and when I reply with "Yup, I still have 4 weeks left! But I feel great," they shoot me a look of horror. I'm sorry people! I'm sorry that you're calculations how far along a knocked up lady is... is 4 weeks off. Maybe it's time they go in for a maternity calibration or something. And while they're at it, please learn what NOT to say to a very pregnant woman who is toting a 2 year old and an infant seat around in her tired arms. Such as... "You sure there's not more than just 1 baby in that belly!" Thank you very much for telling me that I'm twice or three times as large as I should be for just carrying a singleton baby. How should one respond to such a comment? "You sure you're not having twins sir? Because you look like you could be carrying at least that!" Except that comeback doesn't work for the skinny B that said it to me today. How about next time I just put down everything I just bought from your over priced consignment shop, ask for a refund and walk out. That will teach her :)

Yes, I'm huge. Yes, I'm clumsy. But holy smokes people! I think I've just gotten my third trimester second wind because I feel awesome and full of energy. So despite what people are saying, or thinking about my current state.... I could go on for at least another 4 weeks with a smile on my face and a lopsided belly.

DADDY'S "SOPHIE" AND WHERE'S MY WHITE?

Last Friday was my Kday's 32nd birthday. I got him a balloon that said "aged to perfection." The balloon spoke the truth. If you want to read my birthday letter to him - read HERE.

We spent the night doing what I knew he'd love to do more than family cake and ice cream.... at a BMX bike race. He hasn't really ridden BMX since he blew out his knee for the second time on one of those dumb bikes almost a decade ago. But he still rocked it and brought home the bacon with a 3rd place trophy.

Layla calls it "my daddy's sophie." Well, I guess I get a "devin" and now Kday has a "sophie."

And what's up with this weather? I demand a white Christmas. And 9 month pregnant ladies are always supposed to get what they want. Please let it snow. A lot.

Have a fabulous Wednesday. I'll be carting the entire family out to lunch with this mommy dearest. She and her darlingest children and spouse just moved home and we've missed them terribly. Can't wait to swap babies and have me a little snack on the cheeks of her newest arrival, Scout.

CRAVINGS

Everything I liked to eat pre-prego... I distaste.

Everything I easily said no to - pre prego... I love love love! 

I've traded in chips and cheese for candy and cupcakes. I've traded chicken for steak, yogurt for ice cream. 

And I can't get enough bottle caps - bottle caps - bottle caps!!!!

Its bizarro. 

FINDING YOUR "BE" PLACE AT 35 WEEKS

"LET YOU'RE BODY "BE" IN THE POSE... DON'T FORCE IT OR RESIST, JUST "BE" AND ACCEPT WHERE YOU ARE."

(Paraphrased from last Monday nights Yin Yoga instructor)

If I haven't hinted to the fabulousness of my weekly yoga practice, then I've failed you. My monday night yoga trips are something that gets me through the entire week and it feels oh so good on my body. I look like a fool and can't accomplish the majority of the depth in the poses. Yoga brings me a place of peace and meditation and a place for quiet self reflection and mental health. 

I'm an all or nothin kind of girl, so Yin Yoga is a great mental challenge for me. It's a fine balance between pushing your body and knowing when to allow yourself to relax into the pose and find a deeper stretch. If you push too hard your body will resist and tense up and before you know it your breathing has stopped and your muscles are have tightened instead of released and lengthened. 

All too often in my life I try to push, push, push and force an outcome. With my pregnancy weight and looming worries of labor and delivery as well as our future housing situation... my gut instinct is to MAKE IT HAPPEN just the way I want it. Heaven knows I've lost all control over my weight and there's nothing that can be done until after this baby arrives. Making a birth plan is just that, a plan... but anyone who's a realist will know that the plan goes right out the window when we get to the hospital because baby's health is most important and we mother's will do anything to get our children here safely no matter what the end means are. And as for houses and our future living location... It's a wild shot in the dark to guess where, when and what home we'll end up in. So my focus is on just "BEING" where I am right now. BE in my body, be in my 9th month of this gift I've waited so long to receive. BE in the moment during my delivery and soak in every inch of the experience... no matter what it may bring. And BE here, enjoying the blessing of living with my mom in a beautiful home and so near my loved ones. 

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and it's going faster than I'd like.... but I'll BE here for every moment until the end. Where will you BE for the rest of 2011? 

FINDING CONFIDENCE AT 34 WEEKS

First off... Holy smoke-oly! I'm almost 35 weeks. I can't believe it. Can I go back to the 30 week mark and pause time? Or could it at least snow already so it actually feels like Christmas?

After years, and years of battling my weight and then working for years and years to lose it the slow, hard way... I finally gained confidence in myself.  I worked every day for 2 years to plan my meals, count calories, weekly weigh ins, learned how to say no to food, learn how to make better choices, start exercising, and finally I learned that weight is connected to our bodies through emotions. Don't believe me? Ever watch an episode of B1ggest L0ser and notice when the contestants have a bad week with little weight loss while they deal with their emotional demons, and once they confront the issue and push through it to let go of whatever was "weighing them down," they have a great weigh in with massive amounts of weight lost?! During my 2 year weight loss journey it was very rare for me to lose more than 1-2 lbs per week. Every few months I would rock out a 3-5 lb loss and it was always after I worked really hard emotionally and find a new piece of the real sday... and only then would my body really start to let go of the hard to lose weight. As each pound came off I was forced to look inside myself to find the real me.

It's a little crazy but as I've watched my body move further from my goal weight in the past 12 months, I have also felt like I am losing a sense of myself all over again. Except this time I won't let that happen, I won't get lost in my weight and I won't get lost in my billowing body shape. I'm still me, the new me, the more confident and happy me.

So as part II of my post-partum weight loss agenda, I need to remember to tap into that confidence. I've lost 70 lbs the hard way before.... I can do it again. It will be harder to do with 3 kids, but I just have to keep reassuring the reflection in the mirror each day that I WILL DO IT AGAIN. I CAN do it again. I love being pregnant... but when that's over, I need to remember how much I love being the new sday. And I will reclaim her, she'll be different, but so worth the hard work to find. She's waiting for me. I can't let her down.
:)

FINDING GRATITUDE AT 34 WEEKS

While attempting to still hold a down dog in Yin-Yang Yoga on monday night I was super irritated that my center of gravity was off and I could hardly muster up the arm strength to hold myself up without quivering triceps,  eventually having to submit to the pose and dropping to a puppy dog. During my final pose of the night I reminded myself of the blessing it is that I can't fold in half like I used to because of the growing baby in my bump. As I fretted over my weight and my growing body (not just my belly, but my arms, thighs and mostly back side)... I was torn because I also felt such a sense of gratitude for that same growing belly because it conceived a child totally naturally.

During all my years of infertility I cursed my body so many times for failing me, for failing to do the main job of a woman. I loathed my body and it's dysfunctional state. And yet after 7 years of listening to my daily insults - my body turned around and performed perfectly. It held no grudge.

So at 8:43 pm on Monday night I decided that I owe my body a huge debt of gratitude and the best way I can prove my indebtedness is to promise my body that I will be healthy and physically active after this pregnancy. To take care of myself and return to a healthy lifestyle is the best way to say my daily thanksgivings to this hard working body of mine. It's done it's best to succeed and I will do everything in my power to return the favor... it's the least I can do to say "thanks for finally fulfilling your job as a woman, you're the best!"

Next post:
*** Finding confidence at 34 weeks***

FINDINGS AT 34+ WEEKS

Those toes of mine are a looooong way down there

It's time to get back to the basics of this place I call finding sday. Since becoming pregnant and watching the scale tip further and further to the right, I've been avoiding posts about the dueling forces that have been consuming me. I have such polarized feelings about everything that's brewing inside my body. Baby miracles and weight gain. I feel like I'm on a teeter-totter and the upside is feeling elated and loving this journey of pregnancy... the opposing side is total and absolute consumption with fear about returning to the 200 lb range. Part of facing that fear is saying it out loud... yes, I weigh over 200 lbs. way over. And yes, after losing my original weight and dropping below that mark, I swore I'd never again let my weight start with a #2 no matter the circumstances. So it's totally put me in a tail spin of old pain, fear, discomfort, and self loathing. Yet it's coming at the same time that I'm happier than every about the things my body is doing for me. I understand that pregnancy brings weight gain, but I've let my appetite get the best of me and I've done nothing but eat whatever and whenever I want for the past 34 weeks. 

One thing that I've been proud of is returning to my yoga practice each week and it has given me the opportunity to hone in on all that's swirling around in my head about this topic. Last night was a great night of yoga, filled with clarity. And here's my 3 part discovery that I'll be posting about this week;

Gratitude

*****

Confidence

*****

Be

*****

More to come tomorrow....

DESTRUCTION

Thursday morning, 4:20 am, I found myself pacing the house peaking through the shutters to watch as the winds howled down the canyon and across the trees in our back yard. The weather warnings were correct the night before with alarms of fierce, damaging winds ahead. Fierce they were. The winds themselves weren't what caused the most destruction tearing down thousands of trees across the Wasatch Front. It was the duration of the winds. We've withstood gusts of the infamous East Winds in these parts before, I recall as a child having to run outside to gather our sandbox toys before the winds swept them away to the neighbors house. However, ten grueling hours of 90+ mph winds finally took it's toll on many people, homes, trees, and fences early Thursday morning.
My gratitude for a warm home powered by a natural gas full home generator is that of an understatement. So many were left to fend for themselves in their 38 degree homes with missing roof tiles, siding, heat, light, and garages. We were one of the lucky few families that were able to provide for those in need and it was such a blessing of service for us. We welcomed others into our house and tried to feed them warm comforting foods, offered a place to sleep, and phones to contact their families. Then we stood at the windows and watched as tree after tree, after tree, after tree gave into the force of the demanding winds and finally toppled over. Some onto fences, the roof of the pool house, almost through the window if Kday hadn't gerry rigged a rope system to tension the tree in a different direction. Some were uprooted entirely, taking the surrounding grass and flower beds a long with it. Others simply found a weak spot in the trunk and snapped right in half, leaving the tree top to roll down the hill and across the street. We're talking 50+ foot pine tree's here.
I was so fortunate to have been here in a warm, lit, safe and stable home with my children safely tucked in their beds. Today we clean and provide as much disaster relief as possible to those around us. This was a small disaster in comparison to what Mother Nature's capable of and for that I'm truly grateful. But it was good practice for us and our community to prepare for a larger situation. We were so fortunate that the damage was minimal. Some in the community lost their entire mobile home or house tops.

Here's the destruction.

The news reported hurricane force winds. How lucky are we that it was only the wind portion of a hurricane, I can't imagine adding water damage to this mess. I believe Mother Nature was more gentle with us than we gave her credit for.