KDAY

Some of you may be wondering who my mr is. Kday is. This is his passion. And he rocks at it.



I have pretty much had a little school girl crush on this guy for last last dozen years. If you want to get to know him better - go HERE and HERE. And don't let the overwhelming amounts of spandex in his wardrobe turn you off... he makes it look really good.

JUDGEMENT DAY

Here's a little movie of Buca for your enjoyment

She eats like an old man

Chomping on the apples

Now that I gave you a little treat

I need you to wish us luck

We've resorted to going to Costc0 and Wally-world (waImart) for saturday entertainment

Sad. I know

We're out of options
I promised myself I would never be "one of those mom's"
Well, here I am
Go ahead.... Judge me.

We need your best wishes for good entertainment and no melt downs

A PENGUIN IN THE SUN

I'm 0 for 2 out of 3 chances to hit up Mormon Miami. St George is not cooperating with my Go To plan. Sun is always a treatment plan for me this time of year and despite all my attempts to get to the sun for the past 3 weekends... I'm still at home. The plan was to fly down to St. Geezy tomorrow with my dad and Buca. The weather man has foiled my plans once again. Since when did it rain and snow so much in southern Utah?! Stupid.
Me and the Lady might just tempt fate and drive until we find sun. He (little bro) offered a place to sleep on The Pengiun in sunny Arizona... we might just take him up on that offer.

THIRTY - THIRTY

15 lbs down

30 to go

June 30th is the deadline for the 30 lbs. 

(that's 122 days)

My 30th birthday in October is making me wonder if I could maybe squeeze into the 130's before I turn 30. 

It would be a miracle. 

A HUGE MIRACLE.

But it would be super rad if I could make it happen.

That's a LONG ways away...

I gotta stay focused on the first 30.

BEEN SLAPPED?

So what's a girl to do when she finds herself being slapped across the face with a 7 d/a level? Have a "Go To" plan. Here's mine:

Sit down with Kday 

and use his fully functioning brain to help me decipher between normal thoughts and irrational thoughts. ie. "I have to get all the bills paid and go to the bank and make sure nothing is wrong with my account and I need to clean the entire house tonight and go grocery shopping before I take a day off to ski" Kday walks me through the reality that tomorrow is a holiday. The banks are closed. We have plenty of food and the mess will be available to clean first thing Tuesday morning. 

Come up with a mantra 

or affirmation to use when the anxiety starts making my chest pound and when my thoughts start spiraling:
"I am OK. I can do (enter whatever tasks that's nagging you) one step at a time. I will get through today. Breathe."

SELF CARE!!!!!

Take a day off work.... no guilt
Clear the planner and just take care of my own needs
Take a bath each night and try to focus on relaxing
Go outside for a minimum of 20 minutes every day

Make a simple list 

for each day of what is absolutely necessity and cross off the tasks when done. And NO- laundry, cleaning, church callings, etc are not necessity. Eating, bathing, loving Layla and self care ARE.

Sometimes it's OK to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and feel like super-woman. Other times it's OK to use all expendable energy to attend to our very basic needs. Those needs being met are the only way to step down the ladder from a 10 to a 1 on the scale of depression and anxiety. Then and only then are we able to start adding extra responsibilities back onto our plates. If we can't meet our basic needs... we can't be expected to meet the needs of others. So LOVE yourself and NURTURE your soul and allow yourself some time -- and you'll return to the super hero that you are!

WHAT CLIFF?

Ever find yourself standing near a cliff... not knowing how you got there?

Wowza! It's amazing what two days on the gorgeous, thigh high deep, powdered slopes of Utah can do for a woman. Kday and I posted the "off duty" sign and thanks to some swiggity sweet peeps who took the Buca for the weekend, we skied our bunz off. It was an epic day on the slopes with 17 new inches of fresh light powder and my handsome man by my side. I could not have paid a doctor to write a more appropriate prescription for an antidepressant.

I came home with a self nurturing plan to ease my spirits back into the reality of the chaotic world. It's been a rough month and instead of walking away feeling calloused and tougher than before... I have found my depression and anxiety at a surprisingly high rating. A tool I have found helpful in maintaining self awareness is to rate my depression and anxiety on a scale of 1-10. We've all seen the "pain scale" at the doctors office right? Tearful red face on one end and a line of numbers leading to the happy face on the other.

1 being totally in control, happy and symptom free of d/a (depression/anxiety)
10 means call the psych ward and have me committed before I put myself out of my misery.
Over the past 5 years I've managed to stabilize my symptoms around 1-2 and sometimes a 3.
Two weeks ago while I was weeping for no apparent reason, I recognized that I was at a 4-5 and totally caught off guard! Tuesday last week and Sunday... I think a 7 slapped me right across the face! Rude.

Where the hell did that come from?

Is it the crazy diet?
Is it the lack of running?
Is it the weather?
Is it tax season?
Whatever it was... I was spinning out of control. I was a little freaked out, to be completely honest. I have felt "in control" of my symptoms for a half of a decade and now I was feeling paranoid and anxious and with nothing to blame it on.

With no real answers as to "where is this coming from?" And "why now?" I sat down with Kday and devised a plan. You'll hear all about it tomorrow. Skiing was part of the plan. I must say, if the remainder of the plan works as well as the ski slopes did... we have a winner.

Check the smile on my face!

This video doesn't do the snow, or the steep angle of the slope justice. Just know that there were three male snowboarders waiting to make first tracks in this chute... I wasn't about to let a boy get first tracks.

SLIPPERY SLOPE

Here's the deeleo - yo. You all know I'm not a sugar and sprinkles on life kind of gal. I'll tell ya how it is. Sometimes life is crap. Most of the time it's super rad. This place is where you can sample a little piece of both extremes. So don't get frizzle fried if the next few posts are a little, shall we say... "heavy."
If you've read my bio, or if you know me, depression is a part of my life. It's not who I am, it does not define me, it does not control me. It does however offer hope to others when I spill my guts about finding hope for a life of living "with" depression instead of "being" depressed. So since February super sucks and I'm in a bit of a controlled tail-spin... I'm gonna tell you how it is.
Don't fret my pets... I'll be back to my loud, happy self in no time. I just gotta back it up and sort some stuff out.
As you read this, I'll be sorting some stuff out on the slopes with my mr Kday. Tomorrow should be an epic day. 17 inches of powder at Snowbasin, fine tuned powder ski's, and sunny skies.

Solace will be found in the beauty of the great mountains that surround us. They offer a tranquility that is hard to find elsewhere.

LUCK BE A LADY?

Remember how I told you I had a story about this...

And remember how I'm a little freaky deaky with numbers. And I'm very superstitious and into horoscopes and fortunes. Crazy talk... I know, but just deal with it. Because really, it's rad.

The way to draw our fortune stick is by gripping the container firmly with both hands, make a wish, and shake the container until 1 stick pops out... this is your fortune.

So two years ago for 2009's Chinese New Year I randomly pulled the number 7 fortune stick. Hello, number 7 people. Here's what my fortune said that year:
Your Luck For Today:
Lucky "Seven" ages say, is always good; it's yours today
Your Fortune:
Loved for yourself and
self alone.
Your life should happy be,
so bless this gift
that's given to you,
Through life and eternity.
A stranger to your home
within a year.
Wish Fortune:
You will get your  wish.

Peeps.... We got Layla a few months later. Really, did you even doubt the Chinese?

So I was all riled up this year when it came time to draw fortune sticks. Guess what I randomly picked.....
Number 27, (2+7 = 9) (if you don't know my weirdness with the #'s 7 & 9 read it here)
Your Luck For Today:
Of all the numbers known
to men,
This is the worst, so draw again.
(Great. Thanks for nothing..... until I drew number 7 again!!!!!)
Your Fortune:
A little trouble is your lot.
But health the fates portend,
But don't give up, you're sure to be
successful in the end.
Wish fortune:
You will get your wish
before the year is out.

Other than the trouble and worst number issue... I'm excited. And in case you questioned my webster skills, yes, I had to look up the definition of "portend." My health is on the mend and that is a sign of good things to come! And really, need I even mention what I wished for? I think you all can use your wild imaginations.

ZU-ZU- ZUMBA

Been to Zumba twice now. 

I seriously suck at shaking my junk. 

But I have a smile on my face the whole time, and I sweat like crazy. 

LOVE IT. 

LOVE.HATE

There's a reason February is the shortest month of the year. Because other than Valentine's day, the month has nothing to offer. It messes with our heads... is it spring? Is it winter? It's the teaser month and I don't like it. Not one single bit.

I napped for an hour in the sun yesterday and it rocked

I've managed to keep my depression at bay for 3-4 years now. Lifestyle changes, recognizing signals and having a treatment plan... but every winter I struggle a bit. The hardest time of the year to avoid the moody blues, January and February. I survived January by running my guts out everyday, but I'm in an uphill battle to maintain my sanity while on a time out from running this month.  It's been a very overcast and inversion filled winter with very little dusty white goodness aesthetically gracing the ground. In years past my answer was skiing on the weekends. The sun, the workout and the fresh air was my treatment. Not bad. Life has  changed though and I'm trying to figure out how to survive winter without my safe haven on the slopes. More hiking, snowshoeing, running and walking are my prescription for the remainder of this winter. And a whole lotta trips to St. Geezy for some light therapy.

Vitamin D and palm trees fix almost everything

Check these pasty whites! They'll be sunning in St George for the next 3 weekends.

February is the month I love to hate.

BAKE - EAT- WEAR

A dear friend invited me over on Saturday for a little girls only cookie making fun... 

I caught the sugar cookie bug. 

Sunday left me needing a little uplifting, so I made a 100 cookies myself. 

 It's quite therapeutic you know. 

Then I spent the better half of the night decorating them for a little Valentines Day treat for KDAY. 

I figure cookies look better in lingerie than I do...
He loved them. 

I decorated some less scandalous cookies to give to some other Valentine's. 

And Layla made these notebooks for her Valentine's.

I found them HERE

Tonight is Hope Group. 

I'll be teaching it on my own.... yikes! 

Tomorrows post: LOVE HATE

OR SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN

Bern, Switzerland 09

Remember when Jesslca Slmps0n got a ton of flack for questioning the difference between Chicken and Tuna Fish? Or when she was taunted because she thought Buffalo Wlngs were made from buffalo meat? (2:40 mark) 

Well I'm about as stupid as that. I had no idea about the Buffalo Wlng false labeling ridiculousness until I was married to Kday. And yesterday, after Zumba I found myself standing in the meat isle at the market totally bewildered. I actually had to call Kday and ask him "What is the difference between Canadian Bacon and Ham?" Looks the same to me. "Is it a different animal?" I asked. His laughter is proof that he is clearly married to a dip shiz.

I'm not stupid.
I'm just somewhere between the Schmuck-Cafe and the Einstein House....

Where's your I.Q?

ZIP ZAP ZAROO

Hello... My name is Zipper

Yes this is a male cat.... dressed in baby girl clothes
Doesn't he look pissed?
Rad

Its silly but true. I cried for a week after choosing to have our cat put down after he bit Layla... again. For the third time he left scars on her arm and when I took him to the vet, there was also the dilemma of having a gigantic infection surgically treated on his arm. Makes sense now why he was cranky enough to bite her. He was defending the little bit of peaceful territory left in this house, all the wile feeling ill. So for two hours I sobbed in the vets office until finally a decision was made. I know, stupid.

Zipper wasn't my favorite. In fact most people think I hated him. Sometimes I did. But he was a sweet cat who let me nurture him when I had nothing else to nurture. I wanted to be a mom but I couldn't have  a child or a dog... so I got the next best thing. He was 7. It sucked.

Crazy enough, I miss him. 

I miss him sleeping in the sink right after I cleaned the kitchen.

 I miss him swiping food right off the fork before I eat my dinner. 

His claws digging into my skin in the morning when he wanted me to wake up. 

His nasty rank breath that I could smell in the other room when he licked himself.

 His total intollerance to being pet, thus me being bitten on a regular basis. 

I miss him attacking my feet when I least expected it and the only escape was to kick him out the back door.

 I miss him disgustingly grinding his teeth all day. 

His dirty footprints left in the tub because that was the only place he'd drink.

 Chunks of food on the floor of the laundry room because his teeth were so foul that he could barely eat. 

I miss him shredding our furniture to pieces with his large talons. 

I miss hearing him fight with other cats across the street. 

I miss his foot prints all over the hood of my freshly waxed car. 

I miss setting mouse traps in Layla's bassinet because he refused to understand that it was not a place for him to sleep.

(not while she was in it people... don't get your bra in a twist)

I miss him knocking expensive things off the shelf.

I miss stepping in his throw-up in the middle of the night when I'd feed the baby.

Gosh... so much to miss. 

I think I'll go get another cat tomorrow. 

Or

Maybe I'll stick with kids and dogs from now on. 

Miss you Zip. 

Really I do. 

Really.

RIP
Go toward the light

NOT PERFECT... BUT A PERFECT POST

This post is brilliant. I read it yesterday and loved it. I've been slowly coming to the same conclusion as her... she beat me to it, but none the less, it makes perfect sense.
Have a terrific Thursday.

MAMA Moment #5 - Piddle Puddle

Totally embarrassing moment yesterday. Running errands after a hectic day and I rode the "white trash" mobile all the way home. Really. Layla left the craft store looking like this....

I went like- 5 hours between diaper changes. When I picked her up out of the shopping cart, there was an actual puddle. Her pants were wet all the way to the ankles. So I did what any normal person would do. I bought her a "please forgive me" treat and took her pants off. Ya, in the store and she walked out pantless.... in the freezing cold.
Only thing that would have made this experience better... if I was at Wally-World (Wa1mart) at which point I would have just left her pant-less and continued my shopping. The craft store exhibits a slightly higher class population than WW and I really didn't want to lose face. Nice huh?

SENIORITY

Saturday brought with it another chance to celebrate Chines New Year. Word on the street was there was to be a festival and celebration at the SLC Library. So Kday and I decided it was best to participate. A festival.... not so much. A program was more like it. After an hour of minding her manners and enjoying the song and dance, Buca was finished. It wasn't the the performances though that impressed me as much as the culture. I greatly appreciate and desire to include the some of the fundamental values of this old culture into Buca's life.

The auditorium was packed, not an empty seat in the house. Yet,  as a mother carrying a child and I walked in to find standing room only, I was quickly offered a seat by a young person. I noticed the same scenario each time an elderly person was noticed to be standing. Young children and teenagers were quick to sacrifice their comfort for those of a respected elder. That is a value that American's have vastly neglected to teach our youth. I also noticed the deep family connection and modesty. All things I planned on promoting with our family anyway, I can't help but wonder if they will be more openly received if it's coming from a place of Buca's heritage instead of "because mom and dad said so!"

The dragon is called a Totam and it symbolized the great diversity and acceptance of differenced among their culture. The Totam is created from many different animal parts including cat fish wiskers, eagle talons, a lions mane, and a fox tale to name a few...

Their performances are not just for show, but they always tell a story. This is one of water and a new life that spring creates.

I fell in love with their music too, it makes me feel like I'm on vacation or in a movie or something :)

My dad speaks Mandarin Chinese and he's been singing to Layla lately and teaching her a little of the language and I love it! It is a small part of her history, but one that I believe is worth keeping around. 

TOOTSIES

I have a shoe fetish... and it has officially spilled over into Layla's closet.

Mamabargains had SCOOTER BEES on sale for $12 last week.

A must have. 

These are Eco Friendly - story telling shoes.

And just as fabulous in real life!

Next is Jack and Lily

My mom blessed us with the pink fur boots

They've been a gem all winter and held up wonderfully!

And the red Mary-Jane's stopped my in my tracks last week during my grocery outting at Costc0

In fact I loved them so much I put two food items back in order to afford the $14 shoes.

Sad. We might go without our favorite bulk treats... but at least we'll look good doing it :) 

Have a good Manic Monday!

SIMPLY TALENTED

I've mentioned my darling SIL before. She's the super duper talented one who lives in Switzerland, you see. Now pardon me for tooting her horn, but it must be done. She's been head hunted by mega companies to do things like: Design a 5 star hotel in Shanghai China, Design the interiors of bazillionaires homes in SLC, Decorate the Huntsman Cancer Institute... and so on and so on. Her sense of style is a talent that stretches to vast visions of varying motif's. Kady can pull off modern, simple, charming, warm, cozy, edgy, contemporary etc.... you name it, she can make it look fabulous.

Example of a before and after:

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

AFTER

And now she has a little treat to share with you. She is offering her interior design services online. She can recreate your room or even your entire home, with the help of her awesome new site. SIMPLE INTERIORS

You can see more examples of her work here.

And if a remodel isn't in your budget, at least visit her SIMPLE TREATS blog every week to see some of the most delicious finds to accentuate the area you have with awesome style. 

XI

Down 6 lbs.
34 to go
I've got my work cut out for me

Todays plans:
6am-8am work
8:30am-1pm work again

1-3 Layla takes a nap
3:30-5:30 Costo and Wally World monthly shopping trip
6:30 -  Zumba class?

See you Friday!

FILL'ER UP

First off I want to say thank you so much for all the kind comments and email sent my way. This place is one of refuge for me, somewhere I can go to unscramble my thoughts. Thank you for  your support, it means the world to me.

Now- Here's another place I use to keep myself grounded and motivated. My fridge. Before I reach in to fill my belly of delicious food... I must remember all that I've worked for. Last year was my busiest race year ever and the proof was right in front of me.

I'm off to a great start for 2011 with one half marathon on the fridge and another one in the works. Also planned for the  upcoming year of "creating and finding joy in the journey"....

April: SLC Half Marathon

June: Ragnar Relay

July: Spudman Triathlon Olympic distance swim

August: Bear Lake Classic Triathlon Olympic distance

September: Wasatch Women Love Your Body 10K

                      Dirty Dash Mud Run 10K 

October: Pumpkin Man Vegas Triathlon Sprint distance 

February and May are my months off of training and I'm loving it. I love to race but I also love to relax... This is the month of LOVE and I'll be spending time doing all the things I love but haven't had time to do while in training. 

What are your LOVE month plans????

COMPARED TO PERFECT

Shiz. Just when I think I've managed to "deal" with all the emotions that are included with the title of "adoptive mom," another pile of thoughts plop down for me to ruminate. It's been almost two years since I earned the title of Buca's mom and I truly think I'm coping with it more poorly that her very own birth mother. Of coarse thats because she got all the counseling she needed.

Much to my discouragement, LDS Family Services only provides counseling to 1/2 of the people involved in the emotionally arduous journey of adoption. According to LDSFS the birth parents are the only people going through life changing adjustments, sacrifice, and grief. Don't misunderstand my point. I haven't gone through anything remotely hard compared to the unimaginable sacrifice that a birth parent must struggle with. And by all means, I am unmeasurably more than grateful for the wonderful counseling they provided for Layla's birth mom. That's why she's doing so remarkably well.

But what about my worries, fears, feelings of insecurity and incompetency? Where's the support when I feel crazy for comparing myself to a person I'll never live up to. A person who can get pregnant, who has a higher degree than me, weighs loads less than me, a brighter smile, better style, taller, longer hair, a modelesque waistline, and way way way more gorgeous than me... the list goes on people! How do I refrain from wondering the things she wondered... Would she have been a better mom? It was easy to feel like I had more to offer Layla when her birth mom was young, struggling, single, simple, and angry at the world. Time has changed her into a woman, educated, gorgeous, successful, happy. Somewhere in the last 2 years though I've built her up in my mind to be perfect.... and I'm far from that. How do I compete with perfection?