MY ANGEL - MY SOUL

Dear Layla,
You are my strength, my miracle, my soul. You see the truth of my heart and I know that you understand me in a deep personal way. We connect, through those eyes... we see each other. God sent your strength to our family for a reason we'll someday understand. You allowed yourself to be so vulnerable in order to get to us, you relied on other's choices and free agency to get to me. Your spirit leaves people speechless... but those eyes say it all. Those eyes are my favorite. I love you with the entirety of my heart. 
Love,
Momma

THIS LITTLE PIGGY.... TAIL

Oh my, we've reached a new moment in motherhood. Lady is a bit famous for her amazing hair that stands straight up without any assistance..... but this is a whole new realm to explore. LOVING IT!

SELF COMPASSION.... sometimes easier said than done

I sat down last night to write and submit "my story" to Ragnar Relay. (they asked people to write in to share why we're racing, ie: for a cure, to inspire, for fitness.)  I sifted through pictures of my past and I remembered the pain. If you look closely you'll see it in my eyes. You'll see the forced smile that hides the guilt and disgust.

I used to HATE the girl in these pictures. I used to beat her up and tell her what a waste of human space she was. But now I embrace her for her strength and ability to try to smile through the internal pain. I owe my current state of health to that poor girl...

I am where I am today - because she made me strive to be better. The old Sday was hurting and she was just trying her best with the situation she was in at the time. It does no good to hate her anymore. I love her for not giving up. It's hard to avoid the cycle of negative self talk, but it's not worth the pain. Instead, self compassion is the route that will help me heal my past wounds and move foreword as I continue my search for the new Sday.

DON'T CRY - JUST RUN

"SEVEN POINT ZERO TWO AND SUB ELEVEN"
The title says it all. 

Today started out upside down and rotten.

I wanted to stay in bed until tomorrow so I could start all over.

 But then I went for a run. 

The first three miles sucked. 

I debated with every step to turn around and walk home.

I didn't even have headphones. 

Multiple times I felt like just stopping, screaming, and crying with the overwhelming frustration and anxiety that has been circling in my head for the past 6 days. 

But when I just kept running... the need to scream and cry dissipated little by little.

Mile by mile.

I continued.

My legs turned to jello (although not as yummy as the jello I made last night).

I ran

And ran

And ran

I ran the longest distance I've ever run consecutively.

7.02 miles

10:58 min per mile

1:14:27 total time
Sub 11 min/mile is slow. Really slow. But for me.... it's a personal best.

I think I feel a little better. 

THIS WAS YESTERDAY

Layla ate Breakfast

(I usually don't tolerate such messes, but I'm trying to do so  because the books say it's good and clearly she loves it)

Sday ate Breakfast

Layla lost her legs under the couch in an attempt to crawl

She's stuck in reverse

Zipper decided that the freshly scrubbed sink was a nice place to nap.

Would anyone like a free cat?

Lunch: Celery and Laughing Cows

Aunt April - my sister visited for lunch

Layla's new teeth enjoyed a Banana

I shop vac-ed the project site ( post soon to follow explaining "the project")

And kissed Kday goodnight before heading home to bed

Kday stayed and did manly work at the project site

And returned home to snuggle in bed around 4am

MAMA Moment #3 - SO RAD

Last Friday was ONE OF THE BEST DAYS in my short history as A MOM. Everything just worked, flowed, and went perfectly. I got up early in the morning and went for a long run and returned in time to do dishes and laundry (including ironing) and cleaning before Lady woke up at 7am. The morning went smooth as butter during play time and Layla simply fell asleep and slept like a log during her midmorning nap. She woke up in perfect timing with the need to slide out the door and down to the cupcake shop to pick up a treat for Kday's last day at R&R. She slept in the car on the way to pick up dad and we enjoyed a wonderful lunch with Kday's coworkers. I was so lucky to get to see how appreciated he is at work and what an asset he has become to the company. Good lunch with good friends and Layla was a gem. She came with me to the supermarket while we rushed up and down the isles to fill the basket with our listed items. She got really hungry while in the market and while I usually try to feed her before we go, we just didn't have time that day. So I carried her and fed her while pushing the cart, all the while I was also getting a few very important phone calls in. I became a bit more of an attention grabber than I intended and before I knew it people were watching my multitasking skills. I was stopped by a darling little Chinese couple who spoke only broken English and they presented me with a coupon for free baby formula and an attempt to tell me that I was doing an impressive job. Another woman stopped to tell me that she had been watching me talk to Layla as we shopped and she thought it was so great to see me interacting with her and teaching her instead of "just getting the shopping done." (I always get funny looks from people because I totally talk out loud to Layla as we shop and check things off the list.) (And also- by the way didn't feel like a good mom for having to feed her and shop at the same time... so it was a little ironic.) And then best of all a woman stopped us in the bread isle just to comment on how strikingly beautiful Layla is. (I wish I could take credit for that one.) I'M NOT WRITING ABOUT THIS TO BE BOASTFUL! It was just one of those totally RAD days when everything got accomplished and I enjoyed being a mom. We even had time to run home and get the groceries put away before heading off to dinner with Kday. As hard as it is... I love grocery shopping and running errands with Lady. While walking the isles and comparing prices I am SO happy to finally feel comfortable in the baby isle. I no longer have to watch other moms shop for their children's food and yearn to be in their shoes instead of mine. I LOVE being here. It's a new place and it's full of A LOT of new and hard experiences... but they are SO RAD.

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR

Spring fever? Maybe.

 Seasonal Affective Anxiety? Maybe.

Feeling Overwhelmed? Yes.

Had a few really busy weeks that have left my life, home and daughters eating and sleep routine in complete disarray. 

Absolutely. 

I am feeling like organized piles are multiplying like easter bunnies around the house and the winter mess is catching up to our little abode. The snow has finally melted and revealed a soggy wet list of things to do to get the yard somewhat presentable.  And I've finally come to the reality that I have fallen into accidental encouragement of Layla's poor napping habits. She is a breeze to get to sleep and stay asleep at night. But her daily naps leave a lot to be desired.  So the pair of us are at a turning point. Next week has been dedicated to "nap - sleep training" and there needs to be a game plan involved. I'm mentally prepping for the heart wrenching minutes filled with the sound of her learning to sooth herself to sleep and stay asleep longer than 45 minutes... I need a list to keep me focused and busy. Last spring we had 6 short weeks to prepare our home to welcome Layla. It was awesome. I washed almost every square inch of the house with a toothbrush. The vacuum was vacuumed and the drawers were all organized and the label maker was labeled. This year she is inspiring me once again. Next week will be the perfect host for our spring cleaning and organizing event while she learns to organize her sleeping habits. 

So, I'm reminding myself before spewing out this list that I need to take a deep breath in..... and slowly let it out. Here goes.

*Basic Once Over on each room (vacuum, mop, dust all surfaces and objects in room. Wipe down walls and baseboards and any light fixtures and doors.)

*File the "To File" drawer full of papers

*Organize and label current "To Do" folders

*Revise Monthly Budget Forms

*Read "Positive Discipline - the first three years"

*Read "Child of Mine - feeding with love and good sense"

*Make a rotating meal plan and hang on the fridge

*Plan Wasatch Back Training Run Schedule and hang on fridge

*Organize and de-clutter Layla's toy bins

*Plan 6 months of Family Home Evening

*Sew Layla and I matching summer hats

*Finish and hang Vision Board

*Re-design Sdayrunning website

*Re-Label all file folders for 2010 and rotate out 2009 files into Long Term filing cabinet.

I'm sure I won't have time to achieve all those projects. But it gives me an idea of what I need to get done in the next few weeks. That way we can relax and enjoy watching the spring flowers bud and trees blossom on our daily walks. My theory is bust it all out in 1 week and enjoy the rest of the year!

Cafe 305

Downtown Bountiful on Old Main Street used to be the home of a lovely little place that Kday and I would dine. We loved the ambiance of the Cafe more than the food really, so we would frequent the old home - turned to Cafe. Then it changed owners and morphed into the D-licious Sego Lilly Cafe. Usually Kday and I catch ourselves still calling it Cafe 305 because we like that name better. Sorry :( Hopefully this amazing food review will make up for our poor review on the name.

Their hand made ravioli filled with a rich butter nut squash blend and topped with a drizzle of a balsamic reduction sauce is to die for. It's like candy... really. My other favorite is their warmed spinach salad that is spruced up with bacon, candied almonds, gorgonzola, red onions, and sliced apples. My mouth waters just thinking of it. They welcome you to the table with the softest and warmest sour dough rolls and their desserts are just as beautiful and worth saving room for.

Friday Kday and I had a REAL TREAT and were taken out to the lovely Cafe by Becky and entourage. Yes Cricket came too and I felt oh so privileged to get my picture with her even though she was working. The food was just as perfect as I remembered and the company was even better.

DID MY PART

What better way to scrape myself off the bed and throw myself into the day than to start with volunteering at the Co-Op. 6:45 am sharp I headed down to the lot and enjoyed doing my part to ensure that the prices stay low and the op continues to prosper. The plethora of healthy freshness that we received today:

1 head of Orange Cauliflower
2 cartons Strawberries
3 bunches Green Onions
13 small Pink Lady Apples
2 Mangos
3 handfuls of Kumquat
5 Bananas
1 head Romaine Lettuce
1 head "mystery Lettuce"
3 bunches Baby Asparagus
2 bunches Celery
18 Roma Tomatoes

And a fun way to start my Saturday early and with a little gratification for offering a smile and my able body.

WHAT IS A CO-OP?

"It is a group of people who work together for mutual benefit."

It's a way of avoiding the grocery store prices for local - delicious produce and other healthy food. It's a "cooperative society" to be exact :) I pay $15.00 on Monday to reserve a basket (the exact process can be explained in an email if you're actually interested) and on Saturday I go pick up a laundry basket full of fresh produce from local stateside farmers. It is volunteer based and everyone is asked to volunteer when possible to keep it "fee - free." We never know what we're going to get in the baskets but it's like Christmas! Thanks to this little darling (again) for introducing me to such a healthy option! For more info-- go HERE

SCHFIFTEEN-TEEN

K folks. The last 30 days have been dedicated to taking me one step closer to my goal weight. It's been a rough 30 days. But as I look foreword to reaching 140 lbs I get more nervous that I won't make it. 

My whole life has always been the story of the girl who almost made it, or just wasn't quite good enough, or lucky for 2nd place. I want to stop that cycle right here. Today. 

I am down a total of 17.4 lbs down (that includes the weight I lost before I started this 30 day hell) and I have 15.4 to get down to my goal. I am consumed with a wave of panic when I think about that huge number Fifteen. Also when I think about maintaining my goal... I am completely overwhelmed. I haven't weighed 140 since college tennis. And even then I had to take stupid measures to get there. 

But this time there will be no stupid or drastic measures. It's about TOTAL HEALTH, not a dress size or the actual number on the scale. It's about going to bed at night and feeling strong for the choices I made to take care of my body and spirit by exercising and eating well. It's about FINDING S.DAY

Have you seen her?

DO IT!

KISS ME... I'M IRISH! (A teensy tinsey bit)

KISS HIM... HE'S IRISH! 

(Duh... red headed Leprechaun!)

KISS HER... SHE'S CUTER THAN THE REST OF US!!! 

(and believe it or not... a teensy tinsey Irish too. A VERY teensy bit)

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Gotta go find something green to wear to the dentist..... Yuck!

Maybe being green in the face with fear will count? 

WOULD RATHER...

I would much rather snuggle in bed with Lady today than go to work for the few short hours that Im scheduled. My tummy is churning about in ways that don't feel so great.... but we'll pull ourselves together and head to the hospital for 3-4 hours and soon I can nap on the couch with Lady while we watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. I just can't seem to get enough of  Layla right now. I spent 8 months teaching her to love sleeping in her crib and now I can't seem to put her down.... absolutely enamored.

STUDY GROUP

I bored Lady to sleep while studying up a bit for tonight's group.

Lady and I decided why not practice what we preach and get some Vitamin D. We studied about the brain's function and reaction with depression and what we can do to improve and prevent the damage. A few hours in the back yard on a blanket with the sun warming our bodies was therapeutic and a good stress reducer. Can't wait for Hope Group tonight. I hope I'll be a little less nervous this week.

Oh ya,
Kash helped us study too :)

WILD RIDE

This week is going to be a doozy.... take a look for yourself. 

Ridiculous amounts of sticky notes, some early morning running, and a clean house to start with -- will get me through the week unscathed. 

DID YOU KNOW???

LOVING absolutely LOVING every single second of this age. Did I mention that I'm LOVING motherhood right now!? For Real!

Paparrazzi

St George with the family was just what the doctor ordered. A little sunshine, a little bike racing, a lot of shopping, and ridiculous amounts of fun. Lady enjoyed the venue and participated in a little bike race fun. 

Kday started off a little rough and slow, but after lap 2 of 4 he picked up the pace and moved into a comfortable spot for the first race of the season.

 He sat back and enjoyed the comfortable pace and finished in 11th of 33 pro-riders. For more race re-caps see HERE and HERE. For my pre-race debut article, see HERE. 

And I just threw this picture in because I love it... it reminds me of a "paparazzi shot"

Please... no autographs :) 

The weekend away with the family was wonderful. Lady did great sleeping in the pack-n-play and on the drive. We'll definitely be heading out and about again soon. It was just too much fun to get out of the house and feel like the old "Shevin" again. 

PERFECTLY

Cruisin With Cricket is my partner in the Hope Group that starts this Monday March 8th. She is one of the two most inspirational women I have ever met. She faces more challenges in one day than I will face in a lifetime, and she does it with grace and joy. Her post about SEARCHING AND SURRENDERING stated such a beautiful point and she said it perfectly. 

As our little family of 3 head south for the weekend for some much needed sun and family time... I plan to focus on surrendering to the things I can not change and enjoying the very moment that I am in. Even if it includes Lady having a blow-out in her car seat in the middle of the 3 hour drive. Seriously so fun right! 

Have a loverly weekend! And when I return I promise pics and MTB race re-caps.

ARE YOU STUCK?

I never want to get "stuck" in life. I was stuck for 6 years in a place that I thought was "my destiny" and 2 years ago I realized that I was really just stuck in my own head. I told myself that I had tried everything and nothing worked. I was stuck in a place of misery and in a twisted belief system that it wasn't my fault that I was fat and unhappy.

2 years ago I got "un-stuck" and it started with a visualization. A vision of what I wanted my life to be, instead of what I didn't want it to be. Have you ever stopped and really tried to visualize what you'd like to feel like when you wake up in the morning? What you want to feel like when you put your favorite outfit on, or what you want to feel like when you reach a goal? It's not an easy task. But the ability stretch your brain and strengthen the belief that you can change, that is more empowering than anything else.

My cure... how to continually move foreword and prevent getting "stuck" again. My Vision Board.

This is my 3 panel Vision Board.  "Life Work" "Physical Health" and "Abundance" are the areas of focus that keep me motivated to improve myself and be grateful for the things around me. The finishing touches on the board are not complete yet, but I couldn't help but start adding motivators to it! It's about to get crazy busy with more pictures and thoughts and it's going to be great! I'm hanging it in my kitchen - It's sort of a central area in the house and  it keeps me on track.  

What do you do to get "un-stuck"?

18 days feels like 18 years

18 days left on the low carb - low cal diet. Ugh, I don't know if I can make it. 

Lack of posting is due to my total efforts being put into not cheating the diet and trying to focus on a stress reliever other than food. Running, Walking, Hiking, Reading, Cleaning are some that work almost as well as shoving a giant piece of bread into my mouth. But 18 days sure feels like the worlds longest amount of time. 

Repeat after me:

"it's worth it, your health will improve, don't give up, you deserve to reach your goal weight, Layla deserves a healthy happy mom that can run around in circles with her. Enjoy the journey"