MADE FOR IT

Talk about possibly the most monumental Mamma Moment yet! This is like legit motherhood right here, preschool. Real preschool. Last year was awesome, co-op joy school is perfection for a first time mom of a 3 year old. But this year we were ready the real deal. I'm certain the majority of you are scoffing at my unnecessary over thinking, and I'm sure you're right. However, it felt like a colossal decision in my book. Layla is my best buddy, my second pair of hands, my lunch conversationalist, and much much more. Sending away my first baby to be under the influence of another adult, other children and a whole new environment is super scary. I know, paranoid genuine crazy woman here. I'm well aware of my issues :)

The great debate included:

A: Walkable vs a 10 min commute (which with 3 kids in car seats = more like a 45 min commute)

B: Cost. Was the commute worth saving $20 a month?

C: 2 days a week vs. 3 days a week

D: Morning or afternoon. 

 Alas the walkable distance (we're talking like two houses away) just massively outweighed any other variables. And wouldn't you know it, things have worked out perfectly. Morning school has allowed for some rockin fun one-one time with the boys and some niiiiiiiice long naps in the afternoon. Three days a week and Layla still can't get enough. She was MADE for circle time, snack time, crafts, questions of the day, and all other things preschool.  I had to remind her to "get back here and gimme a kiss!" because she could hardly wait to sprint out of my grasp and into big kid reality. 

The boys happily marched their stubby little legs across the neighbors yard and parked their saggy diapers on the curb while waiting for "sissy." The moment Owen saw the preschool door open and kids pouring down the driveway, that little toe-head squeeled "Yay-ya!" and ran to his favorite "sissy" for a squeeze. They missed their bossy big sister and so did I. She chatted for the next hour and half about every detail of school, and then crashed in her little bed... and reverted right back to my first baby while I watched her sleep. 

And life was good. 

HOW I FELL IN LOVE WITH 3 STRANGERS

I don't know if I've blogged about this topic before, and if I have and you actually remember the post - then props to you for having your shwag together more than I do. I'm all jacked up on adoptive mom emotions right now, and have been for the past few weeks. Different events have stirred my emotions as an adoptive mom as of late. Some awesome events, some hard. Either way, it seems that just when I start feeling like a "normal" mom, for whatever reason the universe has a tendency to strike me with a situation that reminds me that I'm "a mom with strings attached." But that's a whole other load of posts to be written. Some day. But today I came across a blog about open adoption and the writer posed the question, "I wonder if I would love a biological child as much as I love my children (who were adopted)" I wanted to write this post for ANYONE OUT IN THE WORLD who might be wondering the same thing. Whether an adoptive mom, adoptee, birth parent, or biological family... here goes:

Every single moment of my pregnancy with Owen was spent worrying about something or other... but mostly I worried that I might love him too much. I wondered things like:
"When I see him for the first time will I know him more intimately than my babies that grew in someone else's uterus?" (frankly speaking)
"Will we have a bond that is just incomparable to that of my adopted children?"
"I'm certain I'll know him since after all, he's been with me every single day for 9 months."
"What if I love him more?"

Guess what the most awesome part of being a mom to a mixed family is?! I can honestly say, there isn't one single more iota of love for Owen than there is for Rider and Layla. The first time I laid eyes on Owen felt just as surprising and new as it had with my first two kids. I remember VIVIDLY each individual moment that I first saw my children and each time I was filled with wonder, curiosity and LOVE for who they were.

July 6, 2009 about 5pm

 California Hospital NICU

August 29, 2011 about 6 am

Utah Hospital delivery room

January 14, 20143 about 4am

Ogden Regional Utah Delivery Room

Owen was as complete of a stranger to me as Layla and Rider had been. I was so pleasantly surprised when I looked at the baby that I had just birthed and there was no "Oh yes, I just know everything about you!" or "Oh yes, you're MY baby!"
What there was - was, ""Wow, look at you! You're here! You made it!" "Oh you're so beautiful! I can't wait to get to know you!" "I hope you know that this moment has forever changed me as a human because I love you so much already and I will spend the rest of my life proving my love for you." And a little, "Huh, so that's what you look like, sound like, smell like, act like?"

All three babies were strangers to me. All three claimed a piece of my heart instantaneously. And all three took some getting to know you time. The first time I nursed Owen, well, he might as well been somebody else's baby. It kinda felt like, "Ok, so Im you'r mom I guess. And I'm going to try this whole nursing thing ok? I hope you're cool with that." And guess what's even better news?! To all you mom's out there who've guilted yourself for years because all the nazi nursers say that breast is best.... I have two babies that I bottle fed and one that I nursed (well, ok, nursed for 10 whole weeks) and I AM BONDED TO THEM ALL THE SAME. Bonding to my children came through being their mother and caretaker day in and day out, not from sitting on a couch with them latched on like a suckling animal in the wild. (side rant. sorry)
All three babies felt like new people that I'd never met before and all three felt perfect the moment I held them.

So although sometimes being an adoptive mom is different than being a natural mom, the difference isn't in how much I love my kids... it's in stupid mortal things like wondering if the lady at the grocery store can tell that my kids don't look like me. We need to let ourselves off the hook with certain "adoptive mom" vs "natural mom" feelings, because in MY heart of hearts... there is no difference. Just life changing, breath taking, immeasurable love for the children I've been gifted with. And the next best part that any parent knows - just in case you did in fact doubt my love in the first place - we parents fall in love with our children over and over and over. The fist time they blow you a kiss, or say mamma, the hundred and tenth time you catch them at the bottom of the slide.... head over heals grubby mom shoes in love. every. stinking. time.

TRUE GRIT

We stuffed the Pilot to the brim and hauled our three little cherubs north-eastward to Signal Mountain Campground, inside Teton National Park. Bear country at it's best, so it only seemed fit to let the brother bears experience their mother land.

There was so. much. dirt. 

SOOOOOO MUCH. 

Dusty, powdery, endless, filthy dirt. 

And the brother bears were in heaven. 

I tried not to let it make me feel short of breath, dizzy, heart in my throat kind of anxious...

all the while the kids were happily turning into dust mongrels.

And somehow I didn't take a single picture to prove of they're filthiness. 

There were dirty binki's

Pre-hike breakfasts

There were amazing views

There was a lot of rock throwing

and amazing memories at the lake

 We took exciting hikes to remote lakes

with monkey's on our backs 

And we caught the smiles to prove it. 

Until next year... when we'll pick a less dusty campsite. Thanks Wyoming for the amazing trip!

MALFUNCTION

Before you go thinking that I've left you all in the dust and forgotten to post about all the lovely and wonderful things that we've been experiencing as of late.... just know that we're in the depths of a bit of a system malfunction and and we'll be back up and running soon.
It's a looooong story. Long and dramatic.
But all is well. Posts about Layla's first day of REAL pre-school, our camping trip to Wyoming, and the upcoming cyclecross season are just a few of things I can't wait to tell you about.
So sit tight and we'll be with you shortly... when all this gets sorted out. :)

to keep you entertained while waiting.... here's a little treat: