THE SWEET RELIEF A SAINT CAN BRING ME

It's no secret that depression is a part of my history and sometimes my present. Mostly Seasonal Affective Disorder at this point and I struggle during the cold, dark, isolating days of winter. January and February are often the worst. I've written more posts about it HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE. (so weird to look at how skinny I was in those posts. and I totally didn't realize it. Stupid) So after decades of fighting the good fight against depression, I've learned techniques to use as ammunition against this seasonal enemy that always finds me. One of my lines of defense is sunshine. So south we went. Saint George.... A true saint I tell you. My saving grace after the longest and coldest winter in Utah history. It healed a little piece of my soul and it pushed the battle lines back a little enough for me to enjoy the last few days of this miserable month. And we plan another trip this weekend to visit the restorative Saint G. Seventy degree weather has miraculous healing powers that medication and a trip to the counselor just can't provide.

Owen and Rider were in a world of mind blowing discovery

And despite his very painful ear infection that was lurking under the radar... Owen was the happiest I've seen him. 

Ever.

The kids looked like vagrants the majority of the time. 

And I told myself to just go with it. 

And I did.

Layla had a chance to recall her love for hiking and moving her little body about the earth as she creeped and crawled over the sandy red-rock. 

I fell in love again with this boy. 

He was non stop pointing and grunting at every sight he could behold. 

And he discovered that hotel beds are for jumping. 

And jumping he did. 

For hours and hours he jumped on the beds. 

My children were given a glimpse at the happy, healthy mother they once remembered. 

The sunshine was therapy for all.

This little man made facial expressions I've never seen before.

Happy ones. 

It was like meeting an eager, more animated version of Owee

And the discovery of Swig. I'm probably going south this weekend for Swig as much as for the sunshine.  The BEST D1et C0ke and huge calorie filled Sugar cookie I've ever tasted. For real. The big straws, yummy ice, and most amazing frosting topped cookie. Do it. Go there. For the sunshine I mean.... oh what the heck. A coke and a cookie help nourish the soul too :)

CRY BABY

Remember the incessantly crying child that I was complaining about a few weeks ago? How could anyone forget. The non-stop crying and following me around like a lost puppy who doesn't know how to do anything but crrrrrrryyyyyyy! Oh well, I can explain. Remember that double ear infection he had? Well, he didn't respond to the first round of antibiotics and that simple ear infection turned into Bullous Myringitis.  Poor baby. Oh yeah, and he got pink eye from The Bates Motel so needless to say... he felt like a sick puppy. So, lesson learned. He has a "tell" as they would say in poker. Just like Layla always gets really cranky and doesn't want to nap when she's sick, and Rider sleeps like he's on Ambien when he's coming down with something... Owen cries like a poor sick puppy. And now we know. 

Other than the swollen eyes from pink eye... he's feeling much better today. He even played with his sibs in the playroom for 30 minutes while I wrote this post. Not a single tear. 

PILOT - OF A TRIP CALLED CHANGE

I can't start a road trip with a dirty car. Who does that? It's like forcing oneself to knowingly agree to sit in a mess, with no escape, for 4 hours. Why on Earth would anyone want to sign up for that? So I always wait until the kids are in bed the night before our trip and I detail the inside of the car. And before hitting the road this time (which was our first road trip with the triple threat.) I made individual entertainment baggies for each of the children. (kday and I prefer to travel sans dvd players and such) Snacks, books, misc new Valentine toys that were like gold nuggets of entertainment, and most importantly - a sucker. Why a sucker? Because when all hell breaks lose 30 minutes before your destination and everyone is melting down and screaming... a sucker does wonders for keeping their mouths occupied so we can travel in peace.  It didn't let me down.

We enjoyed every minute of the sandy red rock hiking spots, the dusty dirty parks and sand lots, and too much fast food. All of which left an epic mess of sorts in the car. There were scattered toys everywhere, crunched up cheerios, spilled apple juice cups, red rock sand dusting every surface, and fingerprints smudged across windows, even layers of clothing that had been pealed off after the morning sun warmed to the afternoon heat. The evidence of our enjoyment had been laid upon every square inch of the interior of the Pilot.

Every time I opened the door my heart would start to speed up and my mind would triage the damage and assess the order of cleaning procedures I wanted to start. But on our last day of vacation,  Kday looked at me and said, "I'm so proud of you! Look how dirty the car is!" He knows full well how I pride myself in driving in a clean car. WHAT!? How is this normal? I always thought his pride in me was for keeping a clean car... and now the reality of change is that he is proud of me for letting go of the control and enjoying the life we're living with these three messy kids. It made me smile. I'm glad he can appreciate and acknowledge what a huge accomplishment it is for me to let the car be a mess and even better, let the kids be a mess. Our kids were the filthiest I've ever seen them, they looked homeless most of the time... but we all had smiles smeared across our face between the dirt smudges. I let the kids eat wood chips at the park and dip their pretzels in the dirt as they would if it was a lick'in stick. Owen would often have a river of dirt boogers trailed from his nose to his lips. And it was all OK. I let go of the natural panic that takes over when my kids make a mess, and I let them enjoy themselves. It was a tug of war between wanting to jump in with a wetwipe and quickly clean them up, and just pushing myself to allow them to explore and learn in a messy way. It was a good battle, and I'm proud to say I gave in and let the filth proceed.

However, ater that night, when the kids were asleep in our grungy 2 star motel... I snuck out to the car with a bag of wet wipes and a garbage can and I cleaned to my hearts content before our trip home in the morning. I'm changing in small ways, like a messy car is part of my road trips now and my maximum tolerance level is shifting farther on the spectrum. However, I still needed to "just clean up a bit" in order to REALLY enjoy the trip home with my fantastic family.

I'm heading toward more change and it's a journey of discovery around every corner. Even the dirt filled corners.

SUNSHINE IN MY SOUL

We went south for the weekend. It was fantastic. 

Every drop of sunshine was medicine for my soul. 

And the kids didn't mind a bit either. 

RETRACTION

You remember my post the other day about how much I just love every single second of motherhood and how even the hard parts are awesome. Well, I retract that. Lets be real here, if I can't be real HERE than where can I be?
Owen has been crying for days. At first it was cute because he was sick and so I did everything a mom can do to make him feel better. Now, now it's just crying. It's "Hey lady! how dare you put me down and get in the shower !" kind of crying. It's "hey, you can't go to the bathroom without me on your lap" crying. It's NON STOP, inconsolable crying. It's not just "hey mom can I be in the same room as you " crying... it's "Don't you dare let me off your hip." crying. And I'm over it.

Mothers out there:
Help please?!
Is this a phase?
Did I spoil him when he was sick and now he can't handle being off my hip for 5 seconds?
Is he still sick?
What do I do?
Help

I AM MOM

I'm a "new mom" technically speaking.

Only been at this job for 3 years.

So it's safe to say although I'm off to a good start... there's A LOT of room for improvement.

As with any new job.

*****

My dearest babes have been struck down with illness this week.

This week, still recovering from last week - in which I was struck with the same nasty virus.  

I can't say I've relished in every waking moment of needy, tearful, sad little cries... But I can say:

I have experienced some of the great moments of motherhood.

The first time my child cries for me in the night and climbs into my bed, wanting nothing but her mothers comfort when her ear ached.

I am Mom.

The hours of sitting on the couch with my fevering baby, who wants nothing but my cradling arms to hold him.

I am Mom. 

The situation when I am the only person on the planet who knows what my 18 month old wants when he's been crying for an hour.

I am Mom.

The words "I just want to go home" come from my 3 year olds mouth after vomiting at her Grammy's house... and I realize that I've done a good job of providing my baby girl with a comfortable and safe place of refuge for her. The only place she wants to be when she doesn't feel well enough to face the world. 

I am Mom. 

******

I wonder and worry that because of the uniqueness of our situation (two babies so close together and coming at an unexpected time) if people see only my struggles in motherhood. I imagine I don't do a great job of shouting at the rooftops the wonderful times when I sit around and can't believe my blessings. Kday said to me tonight, "It's kind of like the saying: It takes 10 positives to replace 1 negative." It made me sad. I am too good and flaunting the negative, the overwhelming, the stressful. There are days when the negatives out number the positives... and then there are days when I AM MOM is felt in every single second of the beautiful children that surround my feet. I literally can't walk across my kitchen most days without children clinging to my legs and feet and it is magnificent. I never wanted anything more than to be a mom and to show my children how special they are, how loved they are, and how perfect they are - just the way they are. And I hope the world can see beyond the moments of growing into my new job experience and notice how happy I am when I am  to carry the title: Mom.  

LETS BE HONEST - ABOUT SLEEPING BABIES

Yessssss! Me - congratulating myself on another sleeping baby success story. Finally. 

It took me nine looooong months to kick my habits of mid-night rocking sessions to let baby O learn to sleep through the night. (that was a mouth full... go back and re-read it slowly if that helps.) And it has taken me an entire YEAR to let him learn how to nap by himself. Because lets be honest, the reason he's been a crummy sleeper is two fold.
 1. He inherited Kday's genetically crappy sleep skills.
 2. I babied him, I encouraged poor sleep habits.
       a) because it was easier in the beginning
       b) because I liked snuggling him

 Any who, I've learned a lot about baby sleep habits and parenting techniques over the past 15 months and it is as follows.

 Sday's Facts on Sleeping Babies: 

1. Sleep is a necessity - however napping and sleeping on a schedule is a learned behavior. Babies don't come from the womb with the skills to consolodate sleep during the night and how to fall asleep when tired during the day. It is a parents job to teach a baby how to develop healthy sleep patterns.

 2. Yes sleep training is more work in the beginning... but it is soooo worth it. (not just for mom's sanity, but studies show ADHD is often a common occurance in children with poor sleep habits.) No, it's not bad to rock your baby to sleep or whatever other habits you get into in order to induce sleep... but - understand that they're not going to suddenly figure out how to nap alone and consistently.  Sleep props always come back to bite ya.

3. It is hard to sleep train a baby no matter their age. However, young babies don't "come with bad habits" so there's no time frame in which you have to spend breaking habits before teaching new ones. Also, young babies have shorter endurance levels. So they don't cry as long - if Crying It Out is the technique you're using.

 4. There are many different techniques - just as there are many different babies. I USED TO BE 100% CERTAIN that CONSISTENCY was the ONLY factor in teaching a child to sleep. Not so. Finding the right technique for mom and baby is JUST AS IMPORTANT as CONSISTENCY. But you can't have one without the other - or else you'll fail.

 5. White noise machine = every mother should be handed one the minute they walk out of the hospital. Can you say NECESSITY AND MIRACLE WORKER.

 5. FOLLOW your intuition. Sometimes a baby isn't ready to be sleep trained until a later age (hello... Owen) or they're really sensitive and can't tolerate the "Cry It Out method" and need something like the "Pick up put down" method. Other times at a very young age a baby will only thrive if they have a VERY consistant schedule (hello... Layla) And sometimes you'll just get lucky with a baby who loves their crib and loves to sleep and they never cry about sleep, unless you wake them up before 9am (hello.... Rider)

 Owen has successfully been sleeping 12 hours at night without waking and he is now napping out of my arms and in his own crib. Twice a day now I get to have a 1.5 hour break from my little toe-head boy and it has opened up a whole new world of opportunities. Like doing crafts with Layla, making dinner, doing my makeup, reading books to Rider... the possibilities are endless. Motherhood is a CONSTANT state of metamorphosis and I think it's our nature to want to fight the change... but I'm learning to enjoy the ride and without focusing on the outcome. Just enjoying the miracle of growth, change, maturity, physical state and life.