MYSTERY MAIL

Dearest Readers:

I'm assuming whom ever sent me the following mysterious letter that arrived in my ever grateful hands today, is one of you. I'm hoping the sender is in the small crowd that reads my daily musings. My most sincerest thanks and heartfelt gratitude for this most generous gift. It couldn't have come at a better time, as we've exhausted a chunk of our small nest egg of savings since being here at the "Rents" in order to pay for the miraculous arrival of our sweet Ohwee and Rider.  So on a week where I was feeling like I was at square one financially and worrying about providing a future home for my kids.... I know that prayers are answered. I  sincerely hope the sender of this letter is reading this. It would be impossible for me to feel like I was never able to thank you for your generosity. 

All my sincerest thanks and love,

Sday

The below letter was sent anonymously and with it... a very generous gift card that will be most useful for our ever growing family.

LUCKY #7.... ALMOST

Dear Time:
Please slow down. I want my babies to be babies forever.

Me Monkey will be seven months old on Thursday. Seven! I barely remember any details of the first two months since we were in the process of moving. Then the holidays steam rolled past with my lack of sleep due to my ever growing belly. And with the new year came a new brother. BREATHE.

A little about my Monkey at this stage:

He loves to cuddle.

But me and his Grammy: aka, Rita are the only two that can get him to fall asleep on us.

Loves the outdoors. 

Loves walks and watching Layla play at the park.

He thinks he's pretty hot stuff with his baseball cap on.

Always, always, always smiling and drooling. 

He just discovered his tongue and it's constantly sticking out.

Wasn't a fan of solid food at first (despite his rather large stature :))

But he LOVES his rice cereal and banana's now.

HA! Fooled ya! This is a picture of Layla at 7 months! 

Could these two possibly look more alike considering their genetic differences!?

Rider and Layla are practically inseparable.

He loves bath time and he loves his sister even more.

Just started saying "ba ba ba" today.

He has a wicked bald spot on the back of his head.

He's a mover and a shaker and his legs stop only during nap time.

His hair is whacky because I cut it... for the 4th time. It was getting too long but now it has a "feathered" look about it. Not cool.

He's the easiest baby in the universe. Sleeps great, eats great, naps great and plays great.

And he's as smart as a whip.... see for yourself

He started picking up signing "more" at mealtime this week.

HER NAME IS PRISCILLA

You know my weirdness about each of my kids having their own specific scent of lotion and their own individual "life song." As I've told you before, this one is Layla's.

In 2010, after our baby wedding to Layla, Kday decided to write to the singer-songwriter of Layla's song. I don't still have the email, but he wrote to Priscilla explaining to her all about the story of how Layla came to us. And how her song played in our home, our headphones, and our hearts for months before we found our special girl. Kday wrote the details how the song played as we picked up our precious package from the Modesto hospital and we drove tearfully home.

This what Priscilla's response:

From: Priscilla Ahn <ahn.pri@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Feb 8, 2010 at 4:51 PM
Subject: Thank you
To: kdayracing@gmail.com


Hi Kevin,

I am so touched by your story, and honored that one of my songs, holds such a dear and special place with you and your wife, and your new baby daughter.  Your story is so beautiful, and I am so happy for you and your wife that you were able to find a beautiful child to have in your lives!  I hear stories of how hard it is to actually find a child to adopt in the U.S.  You are so blessed!  

And it means so much to me personally that it was with that particular song.  That one is actually one of my favorites.  It was a song I wrote after I first met my boyfriend (now fiance), and it comes from a place of true happiness and love, and also, the beginning of my most cherished relationship, friendship, and strongest and purest love.  

I am sure that this is just the beginning of one of your most important relationships and loves in your life.  I'm happy that this song can be that for you too, as it was, and still is, for me.  

Thank you for reaching out, and sharing your story.  I'll never forget it.  Again, I am so honored, and humbled by it.  

I wish you and your family only good love, and so much happiness!  

love,
Priscilla :)

This past month, two years after we last wrote to the amazing artist... Kday wrote again.

Here is what he wrote:

From: KDAY <kdayracing@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Mar 9, 2012 at 11:04 PM
Subject: Re: Thank you
To: Priscilla Ahn <ahn.pri@gmail.com>


Priscilla, 

I wrote to you a little over two years ago with little story about my family. My wife and I became very attached to your song "A Good Day" as we struggled with infertility issues and trying to start a family. After seven years of failed attempts we were blessed with adoption a beautiful baby girl from California. It was an amazing experience to say the least and A Good Day was playing through our speakers, headphones and in our heads the entire time. 

Now, Layla is two-and-a-half yeas old. She's truly amazing and has a real love for music. Nearly every night, as my wife and I lay her to bed, we dance to A Good Day. I promise her that it will always be her song and on her wedding day, we'll share one last dance together. 

Just the other day, we were laying her in bed and she began to sing the words to A Good Day. It was wonderful. I tried to record as much of it as possible and though, maybe you'd like to hear it. 

Here's the link to the recording on my Sound Cloud account: http://soundcloud.com/kdayracing/layla-singing-priscillaahn

Thank you for you beautiful song and all of your amazing music. Maybe one day, we'll be able to experience it live.

Best of luck to you. Keep up the wonderful work.

Kevin and Shannon Day.

And again... she responded. 

From: Priscilla Ahn <ahn.pri@gmail.com>
Date: Sun, Mar 25, 2012 at 9:30 PM
Subject: Re: Thank you

To: KDAY <kdayracing@gmail.com>


Dear Kevin, Shannon, and Layla,

I cannot tell you how touched I am by all of this.  The fact that my song would travel with you in all your adventures in finding Layla, and then to hear her sing the song with you!  

You are so sweet to share this with me.  It brought tears to my eyes.  In fact, your email brought tears to my eyes even before I heard it the song.  Because you are saving this song for your dance together on Layla's wedding day... I know how special that "dance" is and will be for you both.  I feel so honored to have my song be a part of that.

I hope to one day meet you and Shannon and your beautiful Layla.  I am so happy for you and your family...  Your story gives me inspiration to keep singing and writing.  It's a dream of mine to write and record a children's album when I have a child of my own.  Hopefully it won't be too long, so that Layla can enjoy it too!  

Lots of love to you all,

Priscilla

We feel so lucky and we're so happy to let her know what an amazing artist she is and how deeply her music and talents have touched our lives.

My cheezer girl: Almost 3 years to the day that I had a confirmation that she was coming and that she would be wonderful... while listening to her song

TEMPLE TEASER

Got the pics back from our baby wedding. They rock. All except the ones with me in them. Cuz my body doesn't rock right now. It jiggles. But as for all the good looking people in my family... well, they look wonderful. Here's a little teaser - see for yourself!

BABY BOOGERS

id love to tell you all about my 2nd post-baby run... but I'm busy making these tonight. The boys have been sick and I'm covered in dried snot and spit up and if you look hard enough you could probably find some crusty boogers on my shirt sleeve too. super.
So i needed a little alone time with the sewing machine to clear my mind and rest my ever baby cradling arms for a bit.

SDAY GOES GREEN

A few weeks ago my friend across the world challenged her readers to 30 days of this. As you can see, she's teeny tiny, itsy bitsy. And although I can sit around and day dream about drinking my way to a size zero, I know better. I know how much work is involved in my upcoming battle against the bulge. But alas, I've decided that the green challenge would do my body good. I'm a few weeks late but in my own time - I've learned is the best time. I've eaten nothing but junk and bounteous proportions of it since my run in with the double pink lines 11 months ago. And it's time to make the change. It's time to challenge my body to regain control over itself and over it's cravings. I've lost 70 lbs before... and as much as I've been dreading it - It's time to do it again.

Naturally, my weight loss has been the last on my priority list. Sleep and finding balance and control over my surroundings have been number one. And surprisingly, I haven't been panicked about where my body is. I'm disgusted by it yes, but panicked that it will stay this way forever.... no. I know that the desire to change HAS TO COME FROM WITHIN. It can't be forced, coerced, or even challenged by anyone but yourself. I know the change will come from within and I'm certain the time will come when I feel like training for races and counting every single calorie that enters my body. But right now I need to take baby steps. I don't have the energy - emotional or physical to push my body back into a daily running routine, or to dive in head over heals into the weight loss journey.... yet. My body and my mind tell me "I will get there. Just give me time." All things come when the time is right.

So as for baby steps - this one I can handle. A 30 day challenge from D and from myself. I plan to replace 2 meals a day with a green smoothie. I've configured the ingredients to add up to either 200 calories for a breakfast smoothie or 400 calories for a lunch or smoothie. In conjunction with 100 calorie protein based snacks and a healthy 3rd meal.... I think I will be on my way to kick starting my body back into the place I know it wants to be. I can already tell you that I won't follow it every day - I know what you're thinking "why challenge yourself to something you know you can't do?" Because that's the purpose of a "challenge" to me, to try to do my best at something that seems unattainable. And my best is what I can do.

Wish me luck. My 30 days starts today.  And because I'm a little crazy in the head - I'm even debating posting my weekly weight.
Wait. That might just be a little too crazy for my liking. We'll see. Let me sleep on it.... rather - let me wake up all night with sick kids and attempt to sleep on it :)

A BIG BOY BED FOR A BIG BOY

In an attempt to get a little more sleep around these parts, I decided to bunk my two best sleepers together in one room. Layla and Rider go to bed at 7:30 every night together now and although we've had to lay out a few ground rules for the big sis... she's loving having herself a new roomie. One of the rules is that no matter how loud Rider "talks to her" (he hums himself to sleep) - she is not supposed to talk back until morning. And once he's up in the morning then she can sing songs and talk to him all she wants.

I have heard her on occasion in the baby monitor saying sweet things to her brother when he wakes in the night. Last night he woke up around midnight and was finding himself humming back to sleep. She quietly said "It's ok baby brother... go back to sleep. Rider it's bed time don't be scared." It was possibly one of the best Mamma Moments ever. I sat up in bed with the baby monitor on my pillow and I listened for more sweet whisperings from one sibling to the other. They both lulled themselves back to sleep before anything more was exchanged.

In the mornings, I am awakened by Layla excitedly jumping up and down in her crib as she peeks across the way to see her brother and welcomes him into the morning with her favorite greeting. "HI BUDDY!" And if only you could hear it in person, the way she says it is hilarious. It sounds more like "Hiiiiiii Buuuuuuuuudaaaaaayyyy." It's my favorite. And Ride-iz can't seem to get enough of his big sis, his legs pounce for joy as he slams his feet against the mattress in excitement.

They are two of a kind.

And this way, we had room to slide Ohwee into the bassinet and wheel that little ginger out into the hallway where I can't hear his every stirring breath. Ahhhh, peace at last.

UM..... NEVER MIND!

I know I promised to tell you all about the "big change" we made that has dramatically changed my situation. So here it is... but it's I have an entire post to write up about it. Later. I stopped nursing O. We switched over to bottles. There. I said it. I'll tell you more later. It still makes me cry a little bit.

THE SOLE PURPOSE OF TODAY'S POST IS TO RETRACT EVERYTHING I WROTE IN THE PREVIOUS POST "Rounding The Corner." Last week's trip to the zoo was a stark contrast to yesterday. What was I thinking assuming that I could re-create the wonderfulness of our trip last week? Just when I thought "I've got it together!" I had even thrown together this little handle to put on the stroller for those moments when I need just one more hand to hold onto Buca.

I whipped it up right before running out the door yesterday, in hopes of having a wonderful 65 degree day in the sun with my lovely children.

FAIL.

The moment we arrived, Layla's tirade began. And the torrential size temper tantrum and attitude problem didn't let up for the 4 hours we were there or the 40 minute drive home.... or for the next 45 minutes in time out in her crib. Had we been alone and not with our cute friends who rode with us and paid full price to attend a lovely day with the animals (Layla included)... I would have packed her up and headed home the moment she started hitting me in the parking lot on the way into the entrance. My great idea for "a big girl handle" completely backfired. Not only did she not want to hold onto it, she wanted to rip it off the stroller. She whined, cried, hit, cried some more, screamed, kicked, said "no" a million times, threw items, swatted, and screamed some more. I was humiliated. Time outs didn't phase her, pulling her aside and discussing her actions didn't help, threats didn't work, nothing was going to stop this wild animal that broke from it's cage and was showing it's nasty side. At one point we had stopped to eat lunch and even the babies were fussing because they were so tired. I wanted to cry right then and there. I wished I had some sort of teleporting system like on a sci-fi show to zap me home immediately before having to endure any more suffering in public. By the time we were in the car on the way home at 3:30 pm - the epic tantrum continued, so loudly in fact that Rider even began to cry. At which point he dropped his bottle which dripped 7 oz of my preciously expensive formula all over his car seat. It soaked through his clothes and he continued to scream all the way home, in harmony with his oldest sibling. Ohwee sleep through it all - miracle. 

After a serious time out and a long talk. I discovered my Lady Layla didn't feel so hot - a bladder infection and a runny nose was the culprit. It still didn't make up for the frustration I felt when I felt totally out of control of my very own child. I cried in front of my new friend on the ride home - again, humiliated that I was out of control and so was my child. Neither of us could pull ourselves together. Layla laid down for a nap - Rider played in the crib for an hour and owen continued to sleep through it all. If I drank I would have had a stiff adult beverage - but instead I ate. I ate to numb my swirling thoughts and to somehow feel like I was rewarding myself for putting up with my toddler. It didn't make me feel any better. In fact, it made me feel even more out of control. 

So here we are, picking up the pieces to yesterdays complete disaster. And I've decided never to think to myself, "I've got it all together" again... because I don't. On days like yesterday - I soooo don't. 

I know how bad I look in this photo - but it's reality. And I'm here to be real with you. That's the entire purpose of this blog... no sugar coating. What you see is what you get. There's not enough of that left in this world.
So here I am... in reality

ROUNDING THE CORNER

I made a major change around these parts and it did the trick to helping me round the corner on this whole mother of three thing. What was the change? Ha! Like I'd spill the beans that easily. Tomorrow...

Today brings my post about how awesome it was to hit up the zoo last week. What! I dared to go to the zoo with my entire posse?! Heck yes. I needed to get out of dodge and get some vitamin D and burn 9 whole calories. A mad case of cabin fever had overcome us and I didn't care what it took to get out of the house. After an entire morning of logistical planning - we made it into the sunny weather and it was just the breath of fresh air my soul was demanding.

Layla got in about 4 hours of running around, Rider spent more time outside in one day than he has in the past 4 months. And Oh-wee slept through the entire experience. Perfection.

This past week has been exactly what I had expected motherhood of three to be. Hard but doable... for the most part. The kids are falling into a routine that is working wonderfully. In another few weeks I should have all three kids asleep at the same time for their afternoon naps. All three should go to sleep between the hour of 7-8pm, sleep through the night and wake up between 7-8 am. I've been daring enough to go to the park a few times, friends houses, and church meetings - with all three in tow. And although it's a lot of work and a lot of planning ahead, it's a lot of fun.

Tomorrow I'll tell you all the about the major change I made that has allowed me to feel a little more like my old self and for motherhood to be more manageable and more.... my own.

2 MONTHS

It couldn't go without mentioning.

My Mr. O is growing up just as quickly as his brother.

He smiles.

He rolls over.

He loves a schedule.

He still sucks at sleeping through the night. 

His brother and sister were well into sleeping 10 hours a night by this age... he's rocking out about 5 hours max. Grrrrr.

But I still love him and I still can't believe he was created inside me.

What a miracle.

A LITTLE DITTY

Kday put this little ditty together for me the night before Rider's baby wedding. Get your tissue box out.

(it should read March 10 2012 - not Feb 10th... he was a little tired by 2 am and time has obviously gone too quickly :))

I'm the luckiest woman alive.

3 amazingly beautiful miracle children and one incredible man

For once in my life... I'm speechless

ONE POINT ONE SIX

1.16 miles. I thought it was further. It felt further. It burned my lungs and swallowed my legs into a slow motion sensation of running in quicksand. But we did it. My first run since the day I found out I was pregnant May 14, 2011. Rider and Layla joined me, in the chariot. Between being ridiculously out of shape and pushing a double instead of a single jogger... I was barely slogging along. My body hurt, but it wasn't in the way I used to love to hurt. It wasn't the "wow I'm pushing myself to the limits" kind of pain. I wish it was. Rather, it was the pain a 200 lb person feels when their stiff joints are slamming against the pavement and their fleshy rolls of post-partum weigh them down.

I'm so frustrated right now. I'm torn between wanting so badly to get my health and fitness back, and feeling too discouraged to do anything about it. It's so overwhelming to start all over and it feels like my old body is lost storage with the rest of my past life. As I was running I would look down and the feeling of total love and appreciation that I felt for my once pregnant body - was impossible to conceive. All I could feel was disgust and entrapment. I feel trapped in my post baby body - the problem is, I know how to escape... but it's a long, hard, grueling process and I am a little scared to start the journey. I clearly have some stuff to work out in my head. I think another mile or two of hitting the pavement will help clear things up.

On a much lighter note:
The best part of my run happened when I met up with an old childhood friend. You know who your are - and if you're reading this - Thanks for stopping and chatting. I needed a little pick me up and visiting with you was just the ticket. You're words were sweet and much needed as I had been mentally beating myself up during my run. You're darling and lets maybe get together sometime?

Also, remember her? Remember how I miss being her running partner and how not running every day with her has left a huge void in my life? Well, we're joining forces again in a few months. We're signing up to race the same race that we did last year when I realized I was pregnant. What better way to get back into shape and get back in touch with my favorite running partner. I need all the cheering on I can get to prepare myself to get back into running again. Wish me luck.

MY SUNSHINES

Yesterday was perfection. And I rounded a corner on this whole motherhood of three. (more to come on that topic) But until the official pictures of the day are completed by my fabulous Jami Caldwell Photography... this will have to do.

There's something in their eyes that makes my heart beat. It beats for them. If they only knew how much they've changed my life. And how I love them so so much.

BABY WEDDING EVE

So much to say. So so much. But i spent the day basking in the sun and enjoying my posse at The zoo. So I'm tired. Today as one of my best days ever with these kids. So tomorrow I Shall write more. And include a few pics. Don't lose any sleep over it... tomorrow will be beautiful. Good night.

8 WEEKS

This coming Saturday my little O-wee will be 8 whole weeks old. 

He's grown from this:

To this....

....to this.

And he sleeps like crap.... despite what this picture portrays

But I still kiss him about a thousand times a day

:)

This week we're starting Babywise* Bootcamp because he's a naughty little ginger.

He likes to snack, cat nap, and stay awake all night.

No more of that nonsense.... except a few cuddle sessions at night just because I love him too much to put him down sometimes.

It's onward and upward with the schedule to help this little man organize his eat, wake and sleep time.

So we can enjoy each other a little more.

If that's humanly possible

LEGALLY X 2

A little over 2 years ago we entered a court room and legally became the parents to our first child. Tomorrow, Kday and I will enter court room #5 and legally become the parents of our second child. Wowza. Super awesome.
In the past 6 months I have fallen deeper and deeper in love with this gentle giant. His heart is as big as his smile... and his ginormous head :) I can't get enough of him and I can't wait to be his mom - on the record. Officially. Although, I know I've been his mom from the day I brought him home. He's my monkey and I'm his momma. Tomorrow will just cover the legal side... and that's nothing compared to the love I have in my soul for this little baby.

Month 1

Month 2

Month 3

Month 4

Month 5

Month 6

SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO SEE

First off it must be mentioned that I am so well aware of how blessed I am. I have been given the gift of motherhood, a gift I never thought would arrive. And yet, here I am, wondering if I deserve it.

The past few weeks have been wonderful and rough all within the same scope. I'm adjusting to my role as a mother of three as well as adjusting to the fact that my life has changed dramatically. They say "there's a time and a season for everything," and I'm coming to terms with the realization of what season I'm in now.

Wait, back up. Let me explain.

This time last year I was on top of the world, I had my ducks in a row and I was a woman to be reckoned with. I was working part time, running 1/2 marathons, guide running with my dearest friend Becky, keeping a home in order, budgeting, blogging, and teaching depression management classes. I was the healthiest I've ever been and physically fit. That was the season of life I was in. The "I GOT MY SHIZ TOGETHER" season.
Kday and I had been thinking about starting fertility treatments again and estimating the arrival of a sibling for Layla within the next few years. Then WHAM! A huge unexpected BLESSING landed in our laps. The adoption of my beloved Rider. And then a month later - WHAM! Another BLESSING... Pregnant. And before I knew it I was shuffled into a new season of life. It's a great season, it's just a different one and it's something I hadn't planned on for another few years.

What's my point? Here it is.

(this object lesson was taken from my Sunday Church class a few weeks ago. It resonated with me and it makes perfect sense.) You know how the Amaryllis flower blossoms a beautiful, large flower? It's can be breath taking and something to stop and admire. Did you know that it can blossom more than once? But in order to blossom twice it must go through a cycle... the first flower falls off and leaves the long green leafs behind. Then they wilt and fall off and the plant must be placed in a cool, dark place for 6 weeks. Then with a little TLC, water and sunlight - viola! The beautiful flower makes it's return. 

Last year I felt like the beautiful flower, something worthy of inspiration and great worth. And right now, it's sometimes hard to even feel like the simple green leaves.... (still pretty, but not quiet as breathtaking as the flower) Right now I feel like I've been in a 6 week dark place. PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND. I'm not discounting the wonderfulness that my life as a mother is. I'm simply saying that I don't feel like I have much to offer the world right now. I rarely get out, I hardly have any words of inspiration, I barely make it from one diaper change and one feeding to the next. I feel a little like my flowers and leaves have wilted and I'm just a stump in the dirt, awaiting my next season of blossom. 

Sometimes it's hard to see my worth when I'm so focused on these beautiful babies and unable to focus on anything else. I'm losing myself to my children, that's not a bad thing... It's just a different season and  I'm learning how to best offer my worth to them. 

SIX MONTHS- EXACTLY..... WELL, 4 DAYS AGO

This post was supposed to air on Leap Year... But it's better late than never right?!
My Monkey was 6 months on the 29th of Feb and it's unbelievable. He's the size of a nine month old so it's even harder because he's just growing up too quickly. This man is my anchor, my solace, my calm amidst the quaking hills that surround me. He has a smile that lights up the room, and my soul. He never stops moving, yet he is the peaceful and easy going person that carries me throughout the day. He loves to eat, loves to sleep, and loves his sister. And she loves him. Layla smothers him in kisses and is constantly saying "Hiiiii Buuuuuudddyy," and he grins and giggles until his little body can't contain the joy anymore and he wiggles across the rug.
Rider is my gentle giant and there is something about him that tells me he is going to do great things with his life. You just wait.

Look at those lashes... hello Kardash1an family - eat your heart out!

That tongue is my favorite

He is so so close to sitting up on his own and loving it.