1.16 miles. I thought it was further. It felt further. It burned my lungs and swallowed my legs into a slow motion sensation of running in quicksand. But we did it. My first run since the day I found out I was pregnant May 14, 2011. Rider and Layla joined me, in the chariot. Between being ridiculously out of shape and pushing a double instead of a single jogger... I was barely slogging along. My body hurt, but it wasn't in the way I used to love to hurt. It wasn't the "wow I'm pushing myself to the limits" kind of pain. I wish it was. Rather, it was the pain a 200 lb person feels when their stiff joints are slamming against the pavement and their fleshy rolls of post-partum weigh them down.
I'm so frustrated right now. I'm torn between wanting so badly to get my health and fitness back, and feeling too discouraged to do anything about it. It's so overwhelming to start all over and it feels like my old body is lost storage with the rest of my past life. As I was running I would look down and the feeling of total love and appreciation that I felt for my once pregnant body - was impossible to conceive. All I could feel was disgust and entrapment. I feel trapped in my post baby body - the problem is, I know how to escape... but it's a long, hard, grueling process and I am a little scared to start the journey. I clearly have some stuff to work out in my head. I think another mile or two of hitting the pavement will help clear things up.
On a much lighter note:
The best part of my run happened when I met up with an old childhood friend. You know who your are - and if you're reading this - Thanks for stopping and chatting. I needed a little pick me up and visiting with you was just the ticket. You're words were sweet and much needed as I had been mentally beating myself up during my run. You're darling and lets maybe get together sometime?
Also, remember her? Remember how I miss being her running partner and how not running every day with her has left a huge void in my life? Well, we're joining forces again in a few months. We're signing up to race the same race that we did last year when I realized I was pregnant. What better way to get back into shape and get back in touch with my favorite running partner. I need all the cheering on I can get to prepare myself to get back into running again. Wish me luck.
finding
- S.DAY
- After overcoming a decade of depression, infertility, and obesity - I've found life. And after losing over 50 lbs and then gaining it all back during a miraculous pregnancy... I'm finding the inner sday. These are my findings.
my mr
k.day
my buca
my monkey
my ohwee
my pup
Kashi
5 comments:
I know what you mean about feeling trapped in your postpartum body. Its crazy discouraging at times.
But way to exercise! I haven't yet. :o(
Shannon you are amazing! Good for you for getting out. It's not easy with little ones.
PS I was wondering if you'd want to borrow the triple jogger for a while...:)
You are so incredible and beautiful. The last paragraph gave me chills ... I'm off to register. That is such a sweet memory and a tradition is in store :). Love you.
Yay for running again!!
I too understand the trapped in your postpardom body feeling. After my first, I couldn't even look in the mirror for months without crying. It will get better, slowly.
Keep up the exercise! Soon you will be SO glad that you did.
I was reading scriptures this morning in 2 Nephi about being on the straight and narrow path. Marvin J. Ashton said something to this effect, " It's not how fast we are traveling along the straight and narrow path, it is the direction in which we are heading." The commentary I was reading also commented that the term "enduring to the end" can also be stated as "continue to improve to the end." I think both of these apply to your situation. It is how I feel every time I come back from sailing when I have not been working out and instead of being able to do 60 minutes on the eliptical , I am back at 30 minutes. One day at a time and one step a a time. Let's just keep heading in the right direction.
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