MADE FOR IT

Talk about possibly the most monumental Mamma Moment yet! This is like legit motherhood right here, preschool. Real preschool. Last year was awesome, co-op joy school is perfection for a first time mom of a 3 year old. But this year we were ready the real deal. I'm certain the majority of you are scoffing at my unnecessary over thinking, and I'm sure you're right. However, it felt like a colossal decision in my book. Layla is my best buddy, my second pair of hands, my lunch conversationalist, and much much more. Sending away my first baby to be under the influence of another adult, other children and a whole new environment is super scary. I know, paranoid genuine crazy woman here. I'm well aware of my issues :)

The great debate included:

A: Walkable vs a 10 min commute (which with 3 kids in car seats = more like a 45 min commute)

B: Cost. Was the commute worth saving $20 a month?

C: 2 days a week vs. 3 days a week

D: Morning or afternoon. 

 Alas the walkable distance (we're talking like two houses away) just massively outweighed any other variables. And wouldn't you know it, things have worked out perfectly. Morning school has allowed for some rockin fun one-one time with the boys and some niiiiiiiice long naps in the afternoon. Three days a week and Layla still can't get enough. She was MADE for circle time, snack time, crafts, questions of the day, and all other things preschool.  I had to remind her to "get back here and gimme a kiss!" because she could hardly wait to sprint out of my grasp and into big kid reality. 

The boys happily marched their stubby little legs across the neighbors yard and parked their saggy diapers on the curb while waiting for "sissy." The moment Owen saw the preschool door open and kids pouring down the driveway, that little toe-head squeeled "Yay-ya!" and ran to his favorite "sissy" for a squeeze. They missed their bossy big sister and so did I. She chatted for the next hour and half about every detail of school, and then crashed in her little bed... and reverted right back to my first baby while I watched her sleep. 

And life was good. 

HOW I FELL IN LOVE WITH 3 STRANGERS

I don't know if I've blogged about this topic before, and if I have and you actually remember the post - then props to you for having your shwag together more than I do. I'm all jacked up on adoptive mom emotions right now, and have been for the past few weeks. Different events have stirred my emotions as an adoptive mom as of late. Some awesome events, some hard. Either way, it seems that just when I start feeling like a "normal" mom, for whatever reason the universe has a tendency to strike me with a situation that reminds me that I'm "a mom with strings attached." But that's a whole other load of posts to be written. Some day. But today I came across a blog about open adoption and the writer posed the question, "I wonder if I would love a biological child as much as I love my children (who were adopted)" I wanted to write this post for ANYONE OUT IN THE WORLD who might be wondering the same thing. Whether an adoptive mom, adoptee, birth parent, or biological family... here goes:

Every single moment of my pregnancy with Owen was spent worrying about something or other... but mostly I worried that I might love him too much. I wondered things like:
"When I see him for the first time will I know him more intimately than my babies that grew in someone else's uterus?" (frankly speaking)
"Will we have a bond that is just incomparable to that of my adopted children?"
"I'm certain I'll know him since after all, he's been with me every single day for 9 months."
"What if I love him more?"

Guess what the most awesome part of being a mom to a mixed family is?! I can honestly say, there isn't one single more iota of love for Owen than there is for Rider and Layla. The first time I laid eyes on Owen felt just as surprising and new as it had with my first two kids. I remember VIVIDLY each individual moment that I first saw my children and each time I was filled with wonder, curiosity and LOVE for who they were.

July 6, 2009 about 5pm

 California Hospital NICU

August 29, 2011 about 6 am

Utah Hospital delivery room

January 14, 20143 about 4am

Ogden Regional Utah Delivery Room

Owen was as complete of a stranger to me as Layla and Rider had been. I was so pleasantly surprised when I looked at the baby that I had just birthed and there was no "Oh yes, I just know everything about you!" or "Oh yes, you're MY baby!"
What there was - was, ""Wow, look at you! You're here! You made it!" "Oh you're so beautiful! I can't wait to get to know you!" "I hope you know that this moment has forever changed me as a human because I love you so much already and I will spend the rest of my life proving my love for you." And a little, "Huh, so that's what you look like, sound like, smell like, act like?"

All three babies were strangers to me. All three claimed a piece of my heart instantaneously. And all three took some getting to know you time. The first time I nursed Owen, well, he might as well been somebody else's baby. It kinda felt like, "Ok, so Im you'r mom I guess. And I'm going to try this whole nursing thing ok? I hope you're cool with that." And guess what's even better news?! To all you mom's out there who've guilted yourself for years because all the nazi nursers say that breast is best.... I have two babies that I bottle fed and one that I nursed (well, ok, nursed for 10 whole weeks) and I AM BONDED TO THEM ALL THE SAME. Bonding to my children came through being their mother and caretaker day in and day out, not from sitting on a couch with them latched on like a suckling animal in the wild. (side rant. sorry)
All three babies felt like new people that I'd never met before and all three felt perfect the moment I held them.

So although sometimes being an adoptive mom is different than being a natural mom, the difference isn't in how much I love my kids... it's in stupid mortal things like wondering if the lady at the grocery store can tell that my kids don't look like me. We need to let ourselves off the hook with certain "adoptive mom" vs "natural mom" feelings, because in MY heart of hearts... there is no difference. Just life changing, breath taking, immeasurable love for the children I've been gifted with. And the next best part that any parent knows - just in case you did in fact doubt my love in the first place - we parents fall in love with our children over and over and over. The fist time they blow you a kiss, or say mamma, the hundred and tenth time you catch them at the bottom of the slide.... head over heals grubby mom shoes in love. every. stinking. time.

DID I EVER TELL YOU....

About the time we didn't have a swim suit.

Remember how I have The Bin in the back of my car.

And remember how I thought I was soooo prepared.

Well, one time....

We went on a trip and I didn't know there would be a pool.

And Layla wanted to swim.

Sooooo, we used what we had. 

An 18 month size onsie in The Bin, in the back of the car.

Best part?

It read, "Mommy's BIG BOY" across the front.

We're so cool.

I learned something that day.

Sometimes being unprepared is more exciting that being prepared.

Sometimes - not.

But this time, it was... and it was my favorite part of the trip.

PET SHOP DUNKING AND GOLDFISH DUMPING

Hold on a sec. I just sat down to write this post and the boys are being waaaaaay too quiet upstairs.... alone.

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Aaaaaaand, just as I had expected. Trouble. 

That's Riders pet shop toy in the toilet, a few feet of soaking wet toilet paper scattered around the room and a not so innocent looking Owee drenched in toilet water. Super. You wonder why I don't blog like I used to.

So I have been avoiding the dentist for almost 2 years now, despite a problematic tooth. Saturday evening, my plan evaded me and my tooth cracked. 

Ugh, hang on. Two screaming boys are demanding my attention. Be riiiiiiiiight back......

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Ok, they were hungry. Nothing a little goldfish in the back of a dump truck couldn't fix. 

What was I saying again? Oh ya, something about the dentist... I lost my train of thought. Oh well, never mind.

We'll try again tomorrow.

RIDER'S BIRTHDAY- Part 2

5:35 am Kday and I in an attempt to get out of the way slide up to corner of the room at the head of the bed. Kday was uber impressed with the "transformer-esque" of the hospital bed into the delivery stirrups. (Men... we're about to welcome our son into the world and he's preoccupied by the mechanics of the L&D bed!) He had all intentions of leaving the room during delivery but we were trapped! There was no way out of the room and too many people rushing about and setting up for delivery. So I watched out of the corner of my eye as Kday slumped down into a chair and prepared himself for the unimaginable. (Keep in mind, he usually passes out at the sight of an IV) I stood there feeling helpless as I watched BM struggle in pain with nothing for relief because she was too far into the labor. Only a quick hour since our arrival and I was staring at a nurse who was yelling at me telling me to grab BM's leg and help her push. What do you want me to do!? But as I looked at BM she was too far gone in pain to listen to the nurses instructions to grab her own legs and push. So I did what came natural... I grabbed her leg and watched her face as she pushed and breathed through the contraction. A quick peek at Kday but all I could see was a ghostly white resemblance of my husband. He was about to go, but I was a little busy and couldn't do much to offer him support.

5:42 am After 2 short pushes and a few issues with the umbilical cord... our son was born. I couldn't believe how much I loved him the instant I saw his little blue gooey face. Nothing else in the room mattered as I listened to his scream and ached to be the only one there to have him all to myself. He was perfect, perfectly alive and my love for Layla was not divided... but rather it was multiplied to encompass the both of them.

And then my attention naturally turned to BM as I watched the pain in her face turn to fear as they handed her a baby that she would never get to raise and care for. She looked scared and confused and I understood completely. How is she supposed to feel about this little miracle that I love so much and I get to be sealed to for eternity?

5:55 am The chaos in the room winds down as baby is now perfectly fine and labor is completed. BM's expression still remains one of hesitation but deep down I know she was just as in love with this little man as I was. She just wasn't able to show it as blatantly as Kday and I were. I couldn't peel my eyes off the baby, my heart swelled with almost an aching love. I was so filled with joy, yet standing right next to someone who was so filled with sadness in order to allow my joy. What are we supposed to do next?

RIDER'S BIRTH DAY - Part 1

If you have the time to read this post, I suggest you get comfy, put on your glasses and pull out the tissue box. Here is Rider's birth story:

(for simplification matters... BM is Riders' Birth Mom... ha ha, very funny - I'm well aware what BM stands for in the medical field but just get over it ok cuz it will make this story a lot easier to type.)  :)

3:45 am after weeks of sleeping with my phone in hand, showering every day, and ensuring that the house was spotless... we got THE CALL. Of course it was the second day I'd gone without a shower and the house wasn't spotless. Laundry was piled, dishes dirty and most of all I was doing it all on purpose to tempt fate. And it worked. Ha! The minute I heard the phone ring I knew it was BM - Kday and I both jumped up as I answered it. A calm, collected "Good Morning" were her exact words. I said, "Are you OK? Are you in labor?" She told me she had just arrived at the hospital and when I asked her how she got there her answer was interrupted by a contraction that took her breath away. "Never mind... We're on our way... see you soon."

Wow, I couldn't believe it was finally here. I took the worlds fastest shower while Kday called his mom to come stay the night with Buca. Thank goodness I had set aside the outfits we planned to wear because I'm sure clothing shenanigans at 4am wouldn't have gone over well with Kday.

4:15 am Dressed, hair done and bags waiting by the door we nervously drove away in the dark of the night knowing that the next time we got in our car we will have met our son for the first time. Kday and I nervously conversed about what to expect. I'm certain I haven't had butterflies in my stomach so acutely since walking into the hospital to meet Layla.

4:45 am I nervously fidget with the nu-nu softy I had just purchased two days earlier to give to the baby, as we waited for the security guard to check our names on the admittance list in the ER. He asks who we are and how we're related to the patient..... in unison Kday and I look at each other and say "We're the adoptive parents." Walking up to the L&D room felt like a million miles long as if we were moving in slow motion. Suite 4. It wasn't 7 or 9 but it would do for now :)

It was a little awkward to say the least as Kday and I nervously sat down in the corner and tried to stay out of the way and not say the wrong things. BM was already in the zone and naturally breathing through the contractions, so conversation was mostly whispers between Kday and I. Really, not much was said between any of us. I don't think any of us knew what to say in those moments, and the quiet sound of baby boy's heart beat was the perfect calming background noise.

5:20 am A cup of ice chips later and BM asked the nurse for an epidural. The nurse said "Sure, let me just check you real quick so I can notify anesthesia." Two seconds later the nurse regretfully said, "sweetheart, I'm sorry but you're not going to have time for an epidural... Please DON"T PUSH!" And she ran out of the room shouting through the halls for the MD be notified and for nursery to get to Suite 4 stat.

5:30 am Kday gave BM a blessing as the chaos and pain were increasing too rapidly to handle and she needed Kday's strong priesthood presence to calm the mood. A blessing that was interrupted by a Dr waltzing in with untied shoelaces and muffed up hair. Clearly just awoken and hurried to the hospital he checked BM and said, "Ya two pushes and this little baby will be here."

TO BE CONTINUED.....

SIX'S

How does one feel when they find out they're ADOPTING A BABY IN 6 WEEKS....

And.......

HAVING A BABY IN 6 MONTHS!?

Seriously, this is happening people. 

I'm big FAT and pregnant
AND LOVING EVERY STINKING MINUTE OF IT

Cheers to me for keeping this somewhat of a secret for three months!

Thus the new car, the sudden need to change housing locations, and the total lack of attention I've given this blog.

And after MD appointments every other week and then every two weeks,

I'm finally out of the woods and ready to celebrate this super radness!

I'll spare you the details for now, it's been a very very very emotionally exhausting week here in the sday household. 

So we're getting out of dodge for a few days and then I'll be here to answer all you eager questions.

As usual, the "russian spy" will keep a safe watch over our house while we're gone.

Thanks for waiting around for me to finally spill my guts.

BUCA BABY TURNS 2!

It was a wonderful CELEBRATION

LAYLA TURNING 2!!!

A CARNIVAL of sorts!

And a DARLING birthday girl with a BALLOON HAT made just for her

 A party isn't a party without POPCORN

 And CAKE, with elephants balancing on top!

 BEST FRIENDS arrived

Layla couldn't be HAPPIER!

GAMES were played

SWIMMING was a definite

SO MANY people to celebrate such a ANGEL!

She MADE A WISH with the blow of the candle

And DEVOURED the yumminess of the whole party.

New BABY DOLLS were gifted

A PINATA for tradition

Full of CANDY and CLOWN NOSES 

It TASTED so good!

She couldn't RESIST!

She seamed so GROWN UP

ANYTHING for LAYLA

We LOVE her so much!

 And don't forget your PEANUTS!

OH PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND GET OVER IT

I hate to admit it. I'd like to pull the blanket over my head and live in la-la land for a few more years.... but I have a big girl on my hands. Calling Buca a baby anymore is a conspicuous lie. I have a love - hate relationship with her age. She grows sweeter daily, as do the terrible two tantrums. She is my little shadow and I can hardly get enough of her chattering little voice... until it turns to screeching anyway.
But alas, a big girl needs big girl hair. And a lot of hair she has... so I'll embrace the new stage we're entering and realize that by embracing her at this very moment will only allow me to savor the taste of it's wonderfulness a little longer. That way there are no regrets. 

I'm diggin the zig-zag part right now. Especially because she makes the funniest little scrunchy face when I tickle her head with the comb. 

MAMA Moment #5 - Piddle Puddle

Totally embarrassing moment yesterday. Running errands after a hectic day and I rode the "white trash" mobile all the way home. Really. Layla left the craft store looking like this....

I went like- 5 hours between diaper changes. When I picked her up out of the shopping cart, there was an actual puddle. Her pants were wet all the way to the ankles. So I did what any normal person would do. I bought her a "please forgive me" treat and took her pants off. Ya, in the store and she walked out pantless.... in the freezing cold.
Only thing that would have made this experience better... if I was at Wally-World (Wa1mart) at which point I would have just left her pant-less and continued my shopping. The craft store exhibits a slightly higher class population than WW and I really didn't want to lose face. Nice huh?

PACKED AWAY---

I've been delaying the inevitable. Avoiding the piles of newborn onesies and adoption memorabilia was not changing the looming reality that I needed to face. My parents gave me no choice, it was time to stow away the newborn and infant accoutrements that were strewn about their basement floor. Their basement entertainment room has been the gathering ground for Layla's outgrown baby necessities over the past sixteen months. It was time that organized it and packed it away.

As I lovingly folded each tiny set of clothing, I recalled snippets of the days she wore them. Most days I recalled were simply moments around the house, or while running errands. With the exception of her temple dress and the outfit she wore to the court house during our finalization, most of the days weren't anything special. Except, they were. They were special beyond measure. And my heart ached. It aches again the way it did before Lady's existance. Something inside created a pathway for fears to penetrate my mind and heart. Fear that I will be packing these moments of newborn-ness away forever, never to be reopened except to re-pack into a bag and send away for someone else to experience. 

There is a whispering in my heart. It's quiet voice is telling me it's time. I can't ignore the tapping on my soul that reminds me of my deep desire to be a mother to more spirits than just Layla.  Layla is not a "just" however, she needs siblings, Kday needs more children and so do I. How that is going to happen I'm not yet certain. If that is going to happen I'm also not certain. I hope the Lord will hear my prayers and if more children is not a possibility, I hope he'll quiet the whispering voice. If that silence comes,  I will continue in joy with the miracle I've been given. But if the future holds the miracle of more children, I must start looking for the path that will lead us there. 

For now, the bins are closed, labels made and the closet doors are closed. Temporarily I hope, because I relish every moment I have as a mother - and I dream of adding to those moments.