MY ANGEL - MY SOUL

Dear Layla,
You are my strength, my miracle, my soul. You see the truth of my heart and I know that you understand me in a deep personal way. We connect, through those eyes... we see each other. God sent your strength to our family for a reason we'll someday understand. You allowed yourself to be so vulnerable in order to get to us, you relied on other's choices and free agency to get to me. Your spirit leaves people speechless... but those eyes say it all. Those eyes are my favorite. I love you with the entirety of my heart. 
Love,
Momma

THIS LITTLE PIGGY.... TAIL

Oh my, we've reached a new moment in motherhood. Lady is a bit famous for her amazing hair that stands straight up without any assistance..... but this is a whole new realm to explore. LOVING IT!

SELF COMPASSION.... sometimes easier said than done

I sat down last night to write and submit "my story" to Ragnar Relay. (they asked people to write in to share why we're racing, ie: for a cure, to inspire, for fitness.)  I sifted through pictures of my past and I remembered the pain. If you look closely you'll see it in my eyes. You'll see the forced smile that hides the guilt and disgust.

I used to HATE the girl in these pictures. I used to beat her up and tell her what a waste of human space she was. But now I embrace her for her strength and ability to try to smile through the internal pain. I owe my current state of health to that poor girl...

I am where I am today - because she made me strive to be better. The old Sday was hurting and she was just trying her best with the situation she was in at the time. It does no good to hate her anymore. I love her for not giving up. It's hard to avoid the cycle of negative self talk, but it's not worth the pain. Instead, self compassion is the route that will help me heal my past wounds and move foreword as I continue my search for the new Sday.

DON'T CRY - JUST RUN

"SEVEN POINT ZERO TWO AND SUB ELEVEN"
The title says it all. 

Today started out upside down and rotten.

I wanted to stay in bed until tomorrow so I could start all over.

 But then I went for a run. 

The first three miles sucked. 

I debated with every step to turn around and walk home.

I didn't even have headphones. 

Multiple times I felt like just stopping, screaming, and crying with the overwhelming frustration and anxiety that has been circling in my head for the past 6 days. 

But when I just kept running... the need to scream and cry dissipated little by little.

Mile by mile.

I continued.

My legs turned to jello (although not as yummy as the jello I made last night).

I ran

And ran

And ran

I ran the longest distance I've ever run consecutively.

7.02 miles

10:58 min per mile

1:14:27 total time
Sub 11 min/mile is slow. Really slow. But for me.... it's a personal best.

I think I feel a little better. 

THIS WAS YESTERDAY

Layla ate Breakfast

(I usually don't tolerate such messes, but I'm trying to do so  because the books say it's good and clearly she loves it)

Sday ate Breakfast

Layla lost her legs under the couch in an attempt to crawl

She's stuck in reverse

Zipper decided that the freshly scrubbed sink was a nice place to nap.

Would anyone like a free cat?

Lunch: Celery and Laughing Cows

Aunt April - my sister visited for lunch

Layla's new teeth enjoyed a Banana

I shop vac-ed the project site ( post soon to follow explaining "the project")

And kissed Kday goodnight before heading home to bed

Kday stayed and did manly work at the project site

And returned home to snuggle in bed around 4am

MAMA Moment #3 - SO RAD

Last Friday was ONE OF THE BEST DAYS in my short history as A MOM. Everything just worked, flowed, and went perfectly. I got up early in the morning and went for a long run and returned in time to do dishes and laundry (including ironing) and cleaning before Lady woke up at 7am. The morning went smooth as butter during play time and Layla simply fell asleep and slept like a log during her midmorning nap. She woke up in perfect timing with the need to slide out the door and down to the cupcake shop to pick up a treat for Kday's last day at R&R. She slept in the car on the way to pick up dad and we enjoyed a wonderful lunch with Kday's coworkers. I was so lucky to get to see how appreciated he is at work and what an asset he has become to the company. Good lunch with good friends and Layla was a gem. She came with me to the supermarket while we rushed up and down the isles to fill the basket with our listed items. She got really hungry while in the market and while I usually try to feed her before we go, we just didn't have time that day. So I carried her and fed her while pushing the cart, all the while I was also getting a few very important phone calls in. I became a bit more of an attention grabber than I intended and before I knew it people were watching my multitasking skills. I was stopped by a darling little Chinese couple who spoke only broken English and they presented me with a coupon for free baby formula and an attempt to tell me that I was doing an impressive job. Another woman stopped to tell me that she had been watching me talk to Layla as we shopped and she thought it was so great to see me interacting with her and teaching her instead of "just getting the shopping done." (I always get funny looks from people because I totally talk out loud to Layla as we shop and check things off the list.) (And also- by the way didn't feel like a good mom for having to feed her and shop at the same time... so it was a little ironic.) And then best of all a woman stopped us in the bread isle just to comment on how strikingly beautiful Layla is. (I wish I could take credit for that one.) I'M NOT WRITING ABOUT THIS TO BE BOASTFUL! It was just one of those totally RAD days when everything got accomplished and I enjoyed being a mom. We even had time to run home and get the groceries put away before heading off to dinner with Kday. As hard as it is... I love grocery shopping and running errands with Lady. While walking the isles and comparing prices I am SO happy to finally feel comfortable in the baby isle. I no longer have to watch other moms shop for their children's food and yearn to be in their shoes instead of mine. I LOVE being here. It's a new place and it's full of A LOT of new and hard experiences... but they are SO RAD.

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR

Spring fever? Maybe.

 Seasonal Affective Anxiety? Maybe.

Feeling Overwhelmed? Yes.

Had a few really busy weeks that have left my life, home and daughters eating and sleep routine in complete disarray. 

Absolutely. 

I am feeling like organized piles are multiplying like easter bunnies around the house and the winter mess is catching up to our little abode. The snow has finally melted and revealed a soggy wet list of things to do to get the yard somewhat presentable.  And I've finally come to the reality that I have fallen into accidental encouragement of Layla's poor napping habits. She is a breeze to get to sleep and stay asleep at night. But her daily naps leave a lot to be desired.  So the pair of us are at a turning point. Next week has been dedicated to "nap - sleep training" and there needs to be a game plan involved. I'm mentally prepping for the heart wrenching minutes filled with the sound of her learning to sooth herself to sleep and stay asleep longer than 45 minutes... I need a list to keep me focused and busy. Last spring we had 6 short weeks to prepare our home to welcome Layla. It was awesome. I washed almost every square inch of the house with a toothbrush. The vacuum was vacuumed and the drawers were all organized and the label maker was labeled. This year she is inspiring me once again. Next week will be the perfect host for our spring cleaning and organizing event while she learns to organize her sleeping habits. 

So, I'm reminding myself before spewing out this list that I need to take a deep breath in..... and slowly let it out. Here goes.

*Basic Once Over on each room (vacuum, mop, dust all surfaces and objects in room. Wipe down walls and baseboards and any light fixtures and doors.)

*File the "To File" drawer full of papers

*Organize and label current "To Do" folders

*Revise Monthly Budget Forms

*Read "Positive Discipline - the first three years"

*Read "Child of Mine - feeding with love and good sense"

*Make a rotating meal plan and hang on the fridge

*Plan Wasatch Back Training Run Schedule and hang on fridge

*Organize and de-clutter Layla's toy bins

*Plan 6 months of Family Home Evening

*Sew Layla and I matching summer hats

*Finish and hang Vision Board

*Re-design Sdayrunning website

*Re-Label all file folders for 2010 and rotate out 2009 files into Long Term filing cabinet.

I'm sure I won't have time to achieve all those projects. But it gives me an idea of what I need to get done in the next few weeks. That way we can relax and enjoy watching the spring flowers bud and trees blossom on our daily walks. My theory is bust it all out in 1 week and enjoy the rest of the year!