*****CAUTION***** EMOTIONAL RANTING FOLLOWS...Hopefully I won't be miss-understood in this post... I am so blessed, so loved and so happy! I'm not perfect. I feel vulnerable and sometimes I just need to let my emotions be naked and and true. Feel free to look away.*****
INFERTILITY AND WAITING TO ADOPT IS...
-Being enemies with your own body.
-Buying and reading books on baby care, and hiding them when company comes.
- Wanting like crazy to "just look in the baby section of the department store, but feeling so out of place that I have to remind myself that "infertile" is not really stamped on my forehead.
-Wanting to look at your baby someday and see their father in their eyes.
-Snapping at friends who ask innocent questions, and not meaning to. I wish I could explain, but...
-Seeing the cutest maternity outfit in the store window, but having no reason to buy it.
-Trying to rejoice with your friend on her second (or third, or fourth) pregnancy. (Because if I don't show pure joy, than I am interpreted as a bitter, jealous, selfish brat.)
-Doctors... hating them... worshiping them... hating them.... worshiping them...
-Feeling guilty for receiving a mother's day card out of pity.
-Picking a name for your baby, only to grow tired of it 7 years later.... or your best friend stealing it because she got pregnant first.
-Always going to other people's houses for dinner because they don't want t have to get a babysitter, and it's much more convenient this way...
-Feeling guilty for voicing my emotions and sounding ungrateful for all I've been blessed with.
-Falling apart. Getting hysterical. Feeling like I'm losing my mind.
-Knowing (better than most) how conception happens, yet having to put up with stupid advice, crude jokes, and probing questions. (Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do!)
-Redefining "Woman" (Yes, I still am one!)
-Feeling empty and sad almost all the time... even when everything else in my life is perfect.
-Having an extra bedroom for guests, and wishing it were a nursery.
-Being afraid to take aspirin or do sit-ups.... what if I were pregnant.
-Needing to grieve but not really knowing how to.
-Worrying that by the time we get to watch our children play community rec. sports... we'll be as old as the grandparents watching too.
-Not having anything in common with anyone your age anymore because their lives revolve around their children.
-Forever feeling miss-understood as a selfish, bitter, and sad person... when I'm really a loving, hopeful, happy woman who is very grateful for everything she has... but still wants the chance to be a mother.
finding
- S.DAY
- After overcoming a decade of depression, infertility, and obesity - I've found life. And after losing over 50 lbs and then gaining it all back during a miraculous pregnancy... I'm finding the inner sday. These are my findings.
my mr
k.day
my buca
my monkey
my ohwee
my pup
Kashi
4 comments:
I am truly sorry that "normal" people can be so stupid and clueless. My favorite is "When you have your own kids, they will mean so much more to you" or "Why did you go to Samoa, there are plenty of white babies here in America!" Hang in there you and Kevin are always in my prayers. The Lord knows and will provide. I know it every time I look into Ari's eyes. Kel and I are always here if you need us!
Shan-I love you!
I do...
now, stop making me cry,
and by-the-way your kitchen is toooooo spotless, come over and chat in my messy house :)
so true...very nicely put. it is hard to put feelings and frustrations into words and phrases but sometimes the emotional rant is just what you need. and you know i think you are the best :)
I was you...miracles happen! You met her at Dayna's shower and you'll meet your own miracle soooooon!
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