FLASHBACK - JULY 6 2009

ROUND 10

LADY'S BIRTHDAY

JULY 6, 2009

We wake up in Sacramento and wander around the unfamiliar house we were staying in (thanks to  a family friend)

Kday watched The Tour - I showered and cried

I got dressed in the outfit I laid out the night before. 

Still no news. Not even a word from our caseworker... it's now  been over 30 hours since labor started.

We go to target to waste time... I melt down on the way there. In the parking lot. And a major melt down in the shoe isle. Kday has to tell me to get a grip.  

I was 150% positive birth mom had changed her mind and nobody dared to call us because they felt too bad. "Why haven't they called Kev? Why, why, why, why?"

Poor Kday.

We send flowers to the hospital.

On our way back to Sacramento we finally got the call from the CA caseworker. 

Baby born at 12:29 am.

Birth mom is doing well, baby is in the NICU but doing ok.

Birth mom wants us to visit at 5 pm and wants Kday to give baby a blessing

Kday says, "of coarse." and his eyes fill with tears of joy.

We cry together this time. And still try not to get our hopes up.

We're nervous.

We get gas. This is how much it cost on the day Lady was born.

We drive to Modesto - sleep in the car for a few min and then walk hand in hand into the hospital. I wonder if she can see us through a window somewhere from her room.

I think I might throw up.

Breath. Here we go. 

I've never felt so small in my life as we walked through the hallways of the women's center and the nurses whisper behind us like leaves rustling in the wind. "They're the one's that are taking the baby." Their eyes pierce my spirit - judgment soaks into my already shaken confidence. As much as I want to meet my daughter... I want to turn and run for my life - I want to save myself while there is still a chance.  My heart is pounding so bad I think the cardiology department might be able to hear it across the hospital. 

Knock, Knock.

*** sparing some super personal details for our privacy***

We walk into the NICU, wash our hands and take a look for the first time at the beauty that is... our baby girl. 

I remember exactly how I felt the moment I saw her. I wish we could be alone so I could just hold her without being in her watched. 

But it's not my time yet. This is her birth mom's moment. Her moment to introduce the perfect, beautiful spirit that she brought to this world. 

We hold her - only for a moment and then it's time for me to leave.

Kday stays he holds his daughter and with the help of a bishop and the birth mom - he blesses the tiny infant to be healed and to understand all the love that surrounds her.

We hold hands and walk the halls with the nurses staring... and we leave. 

I don't remember talking much. A lot of crying. Joy and fear but mostly joy, so full that my heart feels brighter than the California sun. 

We try to eat. 

We try to sleep. 

But instead, we just talk about every detail we can remember at about that beautiful baby we held today.