Layla isn't a baby anymore. The amount of bottles I'm hand-washing each day is quickly dwindling and baby formula is being exchanged for milk. Baby food is transforming into table food. I hear women gleefully celebrate that they've washed their last bottle for awhile. But the difference between them and me is that they know they'll wash baby bottles again someday. I don't know if I'll ever be a mother of a newborn again. When I pack up the newborn clothes for storage, I wonder if they will stay in storage indefinitely or if I'll ever have the chance to lovingly wash and fold those tiny onsies again.
Lately I've found myself wondering the baby isle at the grocery store. I scan the shelves for something, anything I can buy for Layla to still feel like I belong in that isle. I waited SO LONG to feel worthy enough to walk that isle without feeling like I had a giant sign flashing on my forehead. A sign telling everyone I was an imposter. It's stupid. I'm well aware of that. I'm holding on to my baby for dear life. Meanwhile, she's telling me in so many ways that she's ready to grow up. I'm obsessed with her age right now. This is the most "natural" feeling age that we've spent together so far.
Change is in the air. I can feel it stubbornly pushing it's way into my future. I'm scared. I don't want to be the "crazy lady that treats her 13 year old like a 2 year old." Being a mom has fulfilled me beyond measure.
But if I've learned anything in my journey through weight loss, adoption, and depression... it's this: By resisting something - it only give's it more power and brings me misery. Acceptance brings new growth and eventually love for the circumstance. I'm trying to accept my understanding that pregnancy is just not an option for my future - miracle aside. And I'm trying to accept the idea of throwing my family into the fiery furnace -that is the adoption process. It's hard. We always want what we can't have. I pray that I can find emotional closure in the pregnancy department and just accept the beautiful journey that it's creating for me. And chose to see the beautiful surroundings that this journey has to offer.
2 comments:
I look down at my *list*
Does she still sleep with her bum in the air sometimes?..... A darling friend in california used to tell me that as long as they do that they are a baby! I love it when every rare once in awhile I go in Audry's room at night and she is sleeping on her tummy with her bum in the air... I think "oh she is still my baby!"
Anyway, I too have found it weird to not venture into the baby section the past couple of Wal Mart trips...I look down at my feeling like I am forgetting something in that general area.
I love that you appreciate and recognize the wonderfulness of the baby age.... it helps me remember that I should always be grateful for being a Mom and realize what blessings they are.
On one other point..... Matt said yesterday "Um, Jesse knows what he wants but can't talk.... this only means trouble!" Seriously, this boy needs some words quick!! :)
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