210

I figured it all out and just in the nick of time. Thursday morning as I sat at the computer editing my final draft of my final letter. I realized the fear of letting go was because I wasn't quite sure what I was letting go of. I also felt like letting go and moving on, meant forgetting.

The reality of the situation - Layla's Angel has taught me yet another lesson. She's mastered the art of loving, remembering the past, but focusing on the present and future. 

I needed a place to tuck away the past - not to forget it or to hide it - but a safe place to shelve it. My fear has been guiding me. I was afraid that if I didn't talk about it, replay it over and over, read the letters, and hold onto every single part of the process... that I would forget about it or somehow be ungrateful for it. I think it's kind of how people feel afraid of being happy after a person in their life dies. I've been afraid to be a mom without giving all credit to someone else. (This is another reason why it is my belief that LDSFS does a disservice to adoptive couples by not offering pre and post placement counseling services.) 

So I printed off every letter ever sent between birth families and us, I gathered letters from the beginning and the end. Photo's are organized and saved on a thumb drive. And I took a little trip with Lady down to our safety deposit box #210. My brain was waiting for me to get everything organized so it could tell my heart is was OK to let go. So as I put those memories in that black box and locked the door, I reminded myself that I'm not forgetting, I'm not ungrateful, I'm not hiding it.... I'm just putting it in a safe place and living in the NOW.

I think Layla's Angel is actually looking foreword to moving on in life more than I have been. For her the adoption was a hard experience - so it's only natural to want to put it in the past. For me it was the most miraculous experience ever - so of coarse I'd want to hang onto it. But life is NOW and that's where I'll be if you need to find me.