Shiz. Just when I think I've managed to "deal" with all the emotions that are included with the title of "adoptive mom," another pile of thoughts plop down for me to ruminate. It's been almost two years since I earned the title of Buca's mom and I truly think I'm coping with it more poorly that her very own birth mother. Of coarse thats because she got all the counseling she needed.
Much to my discouragement, LDS Family Services only provides counseling to 1/2 of the people involved in the emotionally arduous journey of adoption. According to LDSFS the birth parents are the only people going through life changing adjustments, sacrifice, and grief. Don't misunderstand my point. I haven't gone through anything remotely hard compared to the unimaginable sacrifice that a birth parent must struggle with. And by all means, I am unmeasurably more than grateful for the wonderful counseling they provided for Layla's birth mom. That's why she's doing so remarkably well.
But what about my worries, fears, feelings of insecurity and incompetency? Where's the support when I feel crazy for comparing myself to a person I'll never live up to. A person who can get pregnant, who has a higher degree than me, weighs loads less than me, a brighter smile, better style, taller, longer hair, a modelesque waistline, and way way way more gorgeous than me... the list goes on people! How do I refrain from wondering the things she wondered... Would she have been a better mom? It was easy to feel like I had more to offer Layla when her birth mom was young, struggling, single, simple, and angry at the world. Time has changed her into a woman, educated, gorgeous, successful, happy. Somewhere in the last 2 years though I've built her up in my mind to be perfect.... and I'm far from that. How do I compete with perfection?
8 comments:
My dear - you ARE perfect! You are the perfect creation of love, honesty, laughter, athleticism, motherhood, spirituality, health, confidence, amazement, education, beauty and everything else! You are such an inspiration to all of us who read your blog every day! You are the strongest person that I know! And that is the truth!!
xoxo
Dido to what Julianne said.
And so you remember... yes the birth mom chose you but you have to remember that Heavenly Father chose you! Dont forget all those moments that you and Kevin KNEW Layla was supposed to be yours.
I'm sure you can imagine how she felt when looking for Layla mom. She didn't just pick someone off the street. She found someone that in her eyes had that very same list you just wrote. You know her better than anyone. She picked the beat because she knew who Layla's mommy needed to be.
Comparing is the root of all evil in my mind. Shannie, kday's right. She didn't just randomly choose you and you need to remember that!
For what it's worth Shan, I only really latched on to one part of this post and it's the one about buca's birthmother's physical attibutes. The only things about her that you mentioned that you don't have are A) The ability to conceive. (something that you MAY not have, but that you have no control over) and B) Her waist-line, figure, etc. etc. (Things that are only important in the eyes of young, stupid, trouble-seeking, single men)
Soooo. My point is (which I get all the time, and is harder to take than to give): You are fine. There is NOTHING seriously wrong with you. You have more than anybody could ever ask for. You are part of an AMAZING effing family. And you are you, and you are doing WAAAAAAAAy better than you think..
Love you sis.
Jordi.
Ditto to all above. You are you and that is amazing in so many ways including as a wonderful mother. I also understand feeling insecure as a mom. I still do!
Shanny: You friends and family have given you good advice. I also say "ditto" to their sentiments. I want you to think about something honestly. When you think back on your childhood and life now, if someone were to ask you what you thought about who your mother (that would be me) is and what kind of a mother has she been, etc. etc. Would you actually say to yourself, well, she loves me and has supported me and taught me and been there for me, has been a good role model.... BUT man I sure wish she was cuter or thinner or more educated! I certainly hope not. My own Mom was not college educated, definitely NOT stylish or up on the trends, or popular, etc. She was, however, a wonderful mother and role model for me. Now, to be absolutely truthful, when I was a selfish, self-absorbed teenager I did go through a brief phase when I wished my Mom was more hip and stylish--but that was the thinking of a narcissistic teen; didn't take long for me to repent of that.
COMPARING is a tool of Satan; rebuke him, and thank your Heavenly Father for the awesome woman that you are and continue to become; allow yourself to be bathed in the love He and your Heavenly Mother have for you- let yourself love yourself Shannon. We are so proud of you!!!!!
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