CURSING AND CRYING

Sometimes people ask me how I do it. Sometimes I wonder what they're talking about, other times I know EXACTLY what they're talking about.
As of late, there's been a lot of cursing and crying. A lot of both at the same time. And a little crying because I feel guilty for cursing. Or a little cursing because I'm crying - again.
I usually smile and say how much I enjoy my situation - which is TOTAL HONESTY. However, there's a lot of moments in the day when I struggle to feel like my head is above water and I'm so tired of treading water I wonder if I should just strip everyone down into diapers, sit on the couch watching cartoons and shove cheese puffs and propped bottles into their mouths while I take a nap. I'll deal with the mess later.

My situation is rare and difficult to relate to other people because of its abnormality. As the boys grow up their age difference will continue to be less of a factor. But right now, there's still a pretty big gap between a 6 month old and a 10 month old. And it's hard. It's GLORIOUS and REWARDING and everything I ever wanted... but I've got to swallow my pride and admit that I sometimes totally suck at this job and it's a really hard job.

That's where PRIDE comes into play... why did I EVER think that I could handle this all on my own? How could I have assumed Heavenly Father just totally trusted me to independently handle these three kids so close in age? Because I'm an idiot, that's why. I've found humility and my contrite spirit is getting the best of me as I'm learning that my Father in Heaven didn't just dump these spirits in my hands and walk away. He is begging me to humble myself enough to ask for a little help. So I am. I've asked him for more patience, less obsessiveness about a tidy home, less concern over whether I am prepared at every moment of every day, and most of all... I've asked him to PLEASE help me figure out my Ohwee's sleep needs. Sounds really lame and so Molly Mo... but I'm admitting it right here and now, I can't go on without asking for a little more of his help. And I am 100% certain he'll be there to grant me the patience, help me relax, enjoy the moment for all it's imperfections, and most of all be calm  in my role. That's a biggie. I need to calm the freak down. Thanks for answering my prayers, today was a whole new day. Not a perfect day - and not completely free of cursing and crying... and sweating! What is that? I run all over tarnation all day and I just drip in sweat... but however it happens, we're getting there. And the answer is... I don't know. I just do my best and hope it's good enough.