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| It's so weird when I look at this photo it's like I don't even recognize myself. I don't remember being this thin. |
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| Here I am hating my body but LOVING my life. |
It seems as though there's a constant battle going on in my mind between polar opposites. I never know which side to listen to, and sometimes it feels like neither side is healthy. I've always been a bit of an extremist, especially in the food department of life. I have a tendency to feel like my only two options of portion size is all or nothing.
In college, when I was playing tennis for SUU, we were being weighed and measured in front of not only the coach and health advisor... but my teammates. I was by far the biggest girl on the team, weighing in at a whopping 140. Oh how I'd give anything to see that number on the scale again. I took every dangerous diet pill on I could get my hands on and if you ask my roommates they'll even tell you that I had a problem with bulimia. I would try so very hard to restrict my eating to only 500 calories for as many days as possible and when I just couldn't take the hunger any longer, I'd clean the cupboards and all the drive through fast food options open at 3 am. And it was always followed with a lot of purging. It made for a hostile living environment because I was in complete denial and refused to admit to my roommates that I had a problem. Kday eventually gave me an ultimatum once he discovered my little secret. I had to let go of weighing myself 3-4 times a day, to make sure my new number of 132 on the scale wouldn't dare rise (It doesn't seem that skinny, but for my body type - it took starvation to get there and to stay there), Kday said he didn't want to be with someone with those "unhealthy habits."
The problem, in my mind I thought I was actually being healthy for the first time in my life! Sad. So I've always had an inner battle between wanting to just LOVE myself for the person I am and wanting to change to be perfect.
As I've aged I've learned that I really kind of like who I am. Yes I talk too much and I'm annoyingly loud and not very original with my ideas, but I like that I'm sensitive and I think I'm funny, I'm open and I like to have a good time while being clean and organized. The part about me that I've never liked happens to be my outside.
This ongoing battle in my mind tells me "Just love yourself for who you are. Wear cute comfortable clothes and enjoy the food you love!" I LOVE food. I LOVE to eat food, I just don't love being fat. So the opposing voice tells me "You'd be happier if you were skinny. Skinny people are prettier and people like the more. You're life would be perfect if you stop eating and you looked perfect." I'm trying to find the happy medium between accepting and loving myself for who I am, which a person who loves food and laughter or someone who has total control over food and exercise and loves their body. It kind of seems like the conclusion my mind believes is that I can't be happy with both mind and body.... Why does it feel like I have to sacrifice one for the other?
Until I realize that when I lost the 70 lbs a few years ago, I had found a way to keep a balance. That must be the key? Somehow I need to find balance between loving who I am just the way I am, and wanting to better my physical body without sacrificing my happiness.
4 comments:
Boy do I know exactly how you feel my dear; I have fought that battle for years, as you well know. I have learned that "you" don't change; you are the same fun loving, sweet person regardless of what the scale says. You aren't a "bad person" if you are overweight nor a "good person" when the numbers go down on the scales. You absolutely hit the key when you speak about balance. Balance in eating choices, balance in exercising, balance in all things. It takes a lot of soul searching to decide if loving food to the point of eating too much of certain things regularly brings you the fulfillment you are looking for in your life or not. Does making healthy eating choices and regular exercise leave you feeling more positive about life? Those are questions that each of us have to answer for ourselves and then go on from there. Nobody can judge, nobody else walks in your shoes every day. You will figure it out; you are so thoughtful and thought-filled and you will find what is true and right for you, Shannon. I love you so very much.
I just read this and sobbed. I wish I could as honest as you are on my blog and in life. Few people around me know my true struggle with everything you discribed. I feel like I'm in hiding because I if people knew my real struggles they wouldn't like me or think I'm gross. Yet I don't think about anyone else when I hear their struggles, I admire them and you for your bravery and honesty. I hope you can find peace and balance.
Oh I miss you and admire you. Have such special memories of our runs/walks together and look forward to more in the future - in time when it fits with all you have going on.
such a strong post, you must be in my head...love you friend!
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