We walked up, up, up a hill and I heaved and hoed the triple threat above the park and into a peaceful neighborhood overlooking the valley. I cried and felt sorry for myself for a few minutes and just kept walking. I wondered why I feel like I'm so bad at this mom gig and I replayed the situation over in my mind and wondered what I could have done to better the outcome. It sounds dramatic but my feelings were hurt. It felt a little like junior high all over again but the mom version - and I was the awkward mom in gym class who couldn't complete the assignment, while the cheerleaders looked on from the sidelines and watched me like a sinking ship. I know, I'm dramatic. But I just felt like I was trying to be a good mom and take my kids to the park, and I failed. What mom can't even do that right? Me.
In between my pity party and negative thoughts I finally looked up and saw two older women (early 70's maybe) walking my way, grocery bags in hand and smiles on their faces. They approached us with a delighted look and kindly struck up a conversation by mentioning how impressed they were that I was out walking with these three young children. They "Ooohhhd and Ahhhd" over all three kids and they were so kind to me. They asked where I was from and inquired about the close ages of my kids. Sweet words poured out of their mouths and every word they said was a perfect defense for all the negative thoughts I'd been strumming over in my mind minutes prior. They continued on their walk in the opposite direction as I, and the most clear "still small voice" whispered to me. Angels from heaven. Your Heavenly Father loves you and you are doing just fine. I cry as I type this because those feelings were so strong and just recalling them buoys me up. Those two women knew exactly what I needed to hear and who knows why they were walking that day or where they were going, but they were sent there for me. Heavenly Father sees our every struggle and our every triumph. He smiles with us and he weeps with us, even our simplest most worldly success like making it through the day with patience and playing with our kids instead of washing the sticky floors... he celebrates with us. He knows when our hearts ache and when we feel defeated. And when we feel like quitting, he sends his angels. Two angels to remind me that I'm doing OK, just keep going, keep loving, and keep living and it will all be OK.
After our walk we picked up Kday and went to Swig. And all was well.
5 comments:
Tried to leave a comment a minute ago, but don't know if it went through. Yes, our Heavenly Father loves us and sends angels when we need a lift. Never let Satan sew seeds of doubt as to your worth as a mother or a daughter of God. I cannot even count how many times friends and neighbors have come up to me and said how lucky I am to have a daughter like you who is such an awesome mother and person. Nobody loves their kids more, nor puts more effort into making their life meaningful than you do, Shannon. Remember the words of Barbara B. Smith, "Ideals are stars to steer by, not sticks to beat us with."
Sometimes Heavenly Father needs to use human angels to do his work. It means that we always be in tune with him that when we are called to be the human angels we hear and respond.
Glad you were feeling better. I KNOW with all my heart, that you are a better mother than you think!
I was thinking about your prior post and how I hope I'm a helpful and supportive mom to other moms out there. Sometimes I feel like the current laws (such as car seats, not leaving your kids in cars, etc) make us super paranoid and we don't trust and support ourselves and each other. Sorry weird tangent I guess.
But you are a great mom, and mothers should rush to help and not rush to judge.
You're a wonderful mother. The best around. Thank you for taking such good care of me and our kids. 528!
Dearest Shannon:
My turn to cry. I cried as I read your posts. I cried because I know that you are an unbelievable mom and because I know that I could never ever ever ever do what you do. I am so proud of you and I am so thankful for non "judgmental" people who were able to bring some peace to your aching heart.
I am so proud of you and love you so much.
Dad
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