I think I kinda hit rock bottom the other day. Weight wise. Except it didn't really stop me from eating an entire bag of MiniEggs yesterday. Whatever. As I was saying... I have this awesome picture hanging on my fridge. Its supposed to be a motivational "thinspiration" picture if you will. Its of me, a few months before we got Layla. So, early 2009 - which happens to be when I was at my thinnest after losing 70 lbs. Anywho, the other night we had some new friends over for dinner and they asked who the picture was of. I told them that was me. The look on their face said enough, and then came my low point "Oh I would have never recognized that as you!" It totally wasn't a mean spirited comment, and as these people have only known me for a month or so (and I'm currently the heaviest I've EVER been) of course they wouldn't recognize that I had a skinny phase.
Skinny Shannon only seems to come out once every decade or so and she only tends to hang around for a few years. I sure wish I knew how to get her to be more of a people person! :)
So, no bueno was the moment that I realized I'm so fat that I'm unrecognizable. The crazy part is, I kind of don't care in a way. I care more about my HEALTH and FITNESS than about my WEIGHT. If that makes any sense. For the first time in almost my entire life, I'm comfortable enough with who I am that I say "take it or leave it" and I could care less what you chose. If you like me, like me for who I am and what I weigh. If you don't like me... any part... peace out and live long and prosper. I don't care.
Just because I'm at my fattest - doesn't mean I'm at my saddest. Which is a totally new concept in my 31 years of existence.
I've grew up believing that weight was directly related to emotional stability, joy or lack there of, intelligence, and beauty. And when I lost my weight the last time - I LEARNED A LOT. I learned that weight affects how I feel IN my body and how comfortable I am doing certain activities... but weight does not make me happy or sad. I chose those emotions. And right now, I'm really happy. I love my life. I don't love my body per se, but I love the person inside of it. It's not my intention to sound cocky or narcissistic in any way. I have my struggles. But as a 31 year old woman, I've learned to be my natural honest self and accept the positives. Loud, talkative, teachable, adventurous, structured, funny, tender, sensitive, dramatic.... the list goes on. Those are things that are natural to my spirit. Fat is just what my body is. And that can change, whenever I decide to make it change. I'm no happier in the top picture than I am in the bottom picture. The only difference is I liked that the outside felt like it matched the inside. And right now, the joy and zest for life I'm feeling on the inside... feels a little stifled by the exterior and the limitations my body has at this weight.
So here goes.
I'm attempting to get to ONEDERLAND. The first time I lost my weight I swore I'd never let my weight start with a #2 ever again. And here we are, my weight has been in the 2 ranges for over a year now. I almost got it down to onederland a few weeks after I had Owen and was nursing like crazy and didn't have the energy to eat. But that changed and the numbers bounced up as I have used food to manage the stress of my life changes since 2011. I've been soothing myself with food after a hard day with the kids. I also ate to spite people sometimes. Like when I know my weight is an "issue" with someone... I eat to make them mad. It's a control issue. And one trait I didn't list above is control freak. If there ever was a circus in town and hiring for the freakshow... I'd totally qualify to travel with the carnies as "The Control Freak of America." It's not necessarily a bad thing...
Anyway I'm making the choice to change my habits. It has to be MY choice. I also learned that the first time around.
So my goal is that by MAY 31 I'll be back into One-derland. That's roughly 3 lbs a week. Then we'll make new goals from there. It's a lot for my body to let go of 3 lbs a week. When I lost the weight the first time, it was slow. I averaged a 1-2 lb loss per week with a few good weeks of higher loss every few months. This goal is obtainable and realistic though as I plan to work very hard. Wish me luck and hard work. I need your support and encouragement.
6 comments:
Good luck! In my teenage years I also equated happiness with being skinny. I even had a gym teacher tell me that losing weight and being über skinny wasn't going to make you happier. It's your thought processes that have to change to make you happier. I didn't listen to her and thought that once I lost weight I would be the happiest person in the world, but I learned the hard way that it doesn't work that way. I have never been big but I was never one of those skinny models and I realize that my body will never be that way. I am much happier now and want to be healthy instead of a size 0. What does the number on your clothes really matter if you look good in them?
You know how I feel about you. You are amazing, and what ever you choose to do I love you to death, and support you. What I know for sure is I love all the fun we have together planning our next fun party,or crafting away. To say nothing of our LOVE for your children, and the special time we spend with them. You go girl, with my every blessing!
sday, I've been trying to lose weight too. I've been using the website/app MyFitnessPal.com to track my eating and exercise. Yes, I'm counting calories which I know doesn't work for all. But I am also using it as a guide to watch what I am eating and making sure that I'm getting balance meals and getting the nutrition that I need. My point is though, is that it is also a social media app too. I'm only connected to 3 friends and I have it set that they can't see all I'm eating and doing. They can see when I've met my calorie goal or when I exercise. It has been encouraging to see their successes and congratulate them on their successes. Also to encourage each other to stick with our plans especially when we don't want to.
I'm know there are many websites/apps out there but this one has worked for me so I thought I'd recommend it.
So I totally realize that I'm the one that pops in and out of your blogland :) One day I will email you back! I just wanted to say that I loved this post. I have / and am still working through a lot of the same feelings you describe. We are moving back to Utah this summer, and I'm terrified. For some reason, I feel like living away has allowed me to just me be, no judgements. But coming back "home" where I know so many, is scary. I'm hoping people can realize that I've changed and I'm happy with who I am, no matter what I look like. SO...we need to get together when I get there. You give me so much hope, in myself and in others. Thanks for being so awesome!
Best of luck to you Shannon! I hope you find the encouragement you need inside your home as well as in bloggy /social land! I was told a lot when I was younger by mom mom and my mom's friends that I was chubby and hopefully I'd grow out of it. No matter your weight or size, when you are in a negative frame of mind, ANY size is too big and you are NEVER good enough or skinny enough. Size 8 can feel like 18 and I've had to learn for myself how to deal with how I look on the outside and how I feel on the inside don't have to be barometers of the other, if that makes sense. It's taken me a long time to stop comparing what I hate about me to what I see on others I wish I had... So I am wishing you good luck and I hope you continue to feel confident and beautiful as you are working hard! You always seem so confident, even when what you are expressing is that you are totally not confident at all (i.e. your last post, which I loved. Don't we all feel judged for mom-ing poorly or wrong at one point or another, even if it is not intentional.)
You can do it!
Good luck, Shanny- I have your back. Your blog friend Julie sounds like she might be on to something. I know I have said this before, but here are two things to remember:
#1- What other people think of you is none of your business.
#2- Ideals(goals) are stars to steer by, not sticks to beat us with.
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