My entire body drenched with sweat, while Kday's body began to shut down due to the cold. His body not expending any energy at the pace we were moving, mine however was on overdrive. Soon my shirt was wet from the large flood of tears that dripped from my cheeks to my neck.
"I'm so disgusted with myself."
"How could I have worked so hard, and fallen so far again."
"I'm so fat I can hardly ask my body to walk a simple 3.5 mile trail."
"I don't know how to change."
"I hate myself."
"Why have I let this happen? Again!"
I cried and I walked. Kday listened, he did his best to try to offer encouragement, but we came to an understanding "You'll never understand the way I feel right now." He said, "You're right." And then I just got down right mad. Mad at myself for being me. Every single detail of Me. I hated it and I wanted it to go away.
The beast stirred some more, the anger arousing the beast from it's deep slumber. I tried to pick up the pace and walk a little faster. I tried to jog a few steps. I kept going. We passed the haunted houses as the trail forked and we turned right to face the last half mile. The 1/2 mile from hell. I'd heard all the runners complaining about it, even the really fit runners. A 1/2 mile of torture lay ahead of me and I needed to face it alone. Time was ticking and the next runner on the team was already 20 minutes behind departure time because of my lack of ability to move quickly. I told Kday to leave me. I have to remind myself that I don't quit and I can do this. I can do it, just me.
I poured out my soul with each step up that 1/2 mile Purgatory. I let out the anger, the dissapointment, I cried out the rage and discouragement, the frustration, the pity, the pain. I cried as I walked upward, each step in the darkness as more people continued to pass me like a mountain goat near the summit. I continued to creep and moan and groan my way up that miserable finish. The tiki-torch lined finish in sight, Kday yelling my name. All I could feel was the desire to release all the negativity that was dragging me down as I climbed the hill. But really, I just felt un-worthy to cross that finish line. In humiliation I stepped across the line and hurried my way to the side of the course and I cried again.
The beast was awoken, but I'm still struggling to let it thrive inside me. I'm still struggling to let it out and let go of the self hate. Each time I try to run now, each step I take in a stride... the beast is beginning to overshadow the hate. And each time I meet me daily goal of eating healthy, it's one step farther from the place I was in. I'm still on the hunt to finding the Zion within.
4 comments:
I got your comment! You're fine for posting there anytime! I haven't figured out how to read responses to my comments that have been put on other people's blogs without going back to their blog so what we both lack worked out great for me! Haha! I am so proud of you for accomplishing what you set out to do. Many people would and do give up losing the weight and learn to live with the self hate of losing their body after having a baby. You are amazing for having the perserverence to become a better you. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Although I am not struggling necessarily with weight issues I am struggling with also hating being me. Mostly because of my depression and the situation in which I grew up in that has led to some extreme emotionl damage. My experiences have given me wonderful perspective on mental health issues but I hate myself for being so weak. I am trying to become strong but it is hard and I understand where you are coming from. You are amazing. Thanks for inspiring me. Marianne
I appreciate the comments your other blog reader left. To both of you, a gentle reminder - God uses the weak and the meek to do His greatest works- those who have been humbled, those who recognize their weaknesses and ask God's help to make them strong. I too used to ask, why did God give me the burdens of depression and the propensity towards obesity???? In my mind and soul I have come to the conclusion that, for me, they are my crosses to bear, by crosses to lift as I go through this earthly life, and in carrying these crosses I become stronger. I can help lift those who share these same burdens. I will not give in to Satan and allow these burdens to crush me. Yesterday I read a statement by a General Authority which said, "God shapes our backs to carry our burdens." You will make it to your Zion, Shannon- but not you alone- you with the help of our Savior who loves you far more than even I do. You, with friends and family to encourage and walk the path with you. We make the trek one day at a time, one step at a time, and we must constantly remind ourselves that " I AM WORTH IT!"
You're simply awesome. 528.
Oh Shan, you my dear friend are my inspiration...your words are uplifting to me, knowing I am not alone and I CAN do hard things...you were the one who motivated me to start running in the first place, I never would have thought I could run a half-marathon, but you thought I could. I love you and admire you! I know I have a friend who knows how I feel, it is so hard to know where you were and the long road to try to get back to that point, and I know what you mean by the beast being revived.
friend we need to talk!
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