Before I could even explain our circumstances fully to the ski-boot sales woman- (who by the way should have asked about my level of ski experience before giving me a 10 min. tutorial on how to buckle a boot... Lady, I could out ski you on any powder run on any mountain on any day... just give me the boot already!) Anyway, I was saying... before I could fully explain our circumstances of how our family quickly and very unexpectedly grew to add three children, the woman took the topic of adoption and ran with it. She showed no hesitation to interject her own opinion; "I don't know HOW anyone can just GIVE a baby away, I mean, how horrible! I got pregnant when I was 20 and I'VE raised my daughter alone. I just can't imagine how someone could do that. blah blah blah"
Ohhhhhh Kaaaaayyyyyy tell me how you really feel is what I wanted to spout off. But I didn't, I politely replied with the truth about my children's birth moms - "You know, these women are amazingly strong and capable people who very well could have raised their babies. And they both love their babies very very much" .... I went on to try to open her eyes to the idea of providing a child with a complete family with the stability and love to be the very most successful and blessed version of themselves.
I might as well been talking to Owen's stuffed monkey doll because this lady was having non of it. She chattered on and on about what a "horrible" thing I've done also, to just take someones baby and then get pregnant afterward. This time I didn't hold my tongue so much. "Yeah, well just so you know my husband and I were married for over a decade and never used birth control and that includes 4 years of invasive fertility treatments and of ALL of that sex... we only resulted in 1 successful pregnancy. So it's not like it was planned." (Sorry TMI - I'm well aware but I was feeling helpless and humiliated and I didn't know how else to stand up for myself.)
Her commentary on the subject of adoption and her liberal upbringing continued on and repeatedly bashed me as an adoptive mother, all the while adjusting the ski boot. I grew silent as I realized that nothing I could say to this woman would help her see the miraculous gift I was given to be a mother. I was never going to convince her of the grace, maturity, selfless Christ like love my children's birth mothers possess. I so badly wanted her to understand a birth parent's loving actions. I fought back tears and frustration while I waited for her to finish pontificating and give me my box with boots in it.
I hurried out of there as fast as I could, shared my humiliation with Kday and he offered to report her. I said it wouldn't do much good, it would just further her hatred toward "our kind." Whatever we are...
I cried the whole way home, luckily the children napped so they didn't see their mother broken hearted.
I have always carried with me a heavy load of guilt as an adoptive mom. Very few people will ever watch a woman sacrifice her motherhood for her child's needs. And as the woman on the receiving end of that sacrifice, one that allows me to be a mother... I can't help but feel guilty for that woman's pain. My journey to motherhood didn't come without someone else's unbearable pain. I don't take my role as my kids mom lightly because of that. So it's hurts me so badly when this sales woman somewhat validated my feelings of guilt for becoming a mother at someone else's expense.
The spirit has been whispering to me though to remind me that I didn't ask for infertility, I didn't take anyone's child... my children were a gift and I need to move foreword with gratitude - not guilt. I hope my kids' birth parents know how much I love them, how grateful I am for them, and how much I need their love and acceptance in return. I will never be able to express how much I KNOW of the love our birth mother's have for their babies, I KNOW they could have rallied their resources and chosen to parent. I KNOW that Heavenly Father wanted these babies to be in an eternal family also, I KNOW that he helped bring our families together for the greater good of our children's lives on earth. And I KNOW that someday in the after life our wounds will be healed and we can all live together and love each other for what we both sacrificed for our children. Maybe that's all I should have said to the sales woman, because no one can argue with a testimony of love.
8 comments:
Shan, I have to say I think both you and Mr. Day have a fantastic outlook on family life. Thanks for sharing that glimpse into your experience with adoption.
When people are weenies I think to myself after being on their downer, "I get to go and live the rest of my life, and they have to live with that miserable attitute for the rest of theirs. Sucks to be them." So, REI lady's bad, not yours.
Amen. So beautifully said and so beautifully lived. I adore you. I applaud your love and passion for this journey of motherhood. It reminds me to more fully embrace and appreciate it. You are in the trenches living and breathing motherhood and that woman should know the code that exists down here, no hating and judging allowed. We as sisters are only supposed to lift each other as we do Gods great work. I would have kicked her with my boot and claimed I wasn't sure how to use them ;)
I like what Layne said. And yes, nobody can deny your sweet testimony of the blessing of being on the receiving end of adoption. I can see why it is easier to just tell strangers, "It's a long story how we came to have these wonderful boys so close together." Yes, it wouldn't have mattered what you said to the ding-bat at REI; she is viewing things through the glasses tinted by the experience of her own life as a young single mother who chose to keep her child. You see things through your glasses tinted by experiences had as a mother who has been through the hell of infertility. Regardless of either of your experiences, she was wrong to criticize you, just as it would have been wrong for you to trash her for keeping her baby. Sorry you had to go through that. Your children are so blessed to have you and Kevin as their adoptive parents. After having been in the sealing room at the temple when you were sealed to Layla and Rider, we both know that the Spirit bore testimony to us of the fact that they were meant to be in your family, and the spirit of Layla's biological grandfather was present to give his blessing to the ceremony. We love you.
That was a really sweet testimony of a loving mother. I think adoption takes something that is painful and sorrowful on both ends and turns it into something so wonderful. You have a beautiful family!
Oh! Loved this Shannon! Bravo sis! You amaze me in every sense of the word, you always have. Your kids are the luckiest kids in the world! They are ALL yours with or without adoption. People are crazy. Your amazing.
Shan you are such an amazing mother! I love reading all your blog posts and seeing all your fun pictures on Insta, FB, Blogger, etc. You have the most adorable children ever and they are so lucky to have you!
Shannon, I am so sorry you had to endure someone's self righteous rant. You know me and my experiences and I am telling you- You gave both Layla and Rider's birth moms the greatest gift! You never have to feel guilty for giving them somewhere to turn. What a blessed thing for their pain to be swallowed up in the knowledge that you will love and raise their children as your own. Layla and Rider will have so many opportunities that they never could have had without you. Not to mention being sealed to two loving parents! I know you feel compassion for the birth mom's loss, but never let that detract from your happiness! Having placed two children, myself, I would hate to think that their moms would ever pity me or feel that they were unworthy to embrace the joy that children bring. The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, knew the mistakes I would make. He planned for me to have the perfect family, the forever family that my children deserved, ready when I needed them. Never apologize for stepping up and being the mom that your children were meant to have. I love you. I know it is a process, but give away your guilt. There is someone who has already borne it for you, so you can let it go. Just keep being you and love those precious kiddos!
1. You are awesome! And an awesome mom!
2. I'm sorry people are insensitive and rude.
3. LOVE that you didn't hold your tongue and told her about all the sex. ha ha
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