How does a person go about thanking someone who has shared the most beautiful, miraculous, priceless gift with you?
How would you thank Christ for giving you life?
What words could possibly portray the fullness of gratitude my heart carries each day for someone who gave me such a gift?
I know Christ. I know of His love and of His sacrifice.
I also know Layla's Angel. I know of her love and her sacrifice.
There have been times I have struggled with the reality of "sharing" Layla's life through letter and photo with her Angel. I've had bouts of selfishness and thinking that I deserve my privacy and I shouldn't have to answer to anybody. I allow fear and defensiveness to creep into my mind.
In a matter of days Layla will be 18 months old. This is the age at which all parties involved in her adoption agreed that monthly update letters and photos would cease. On the night of relinquishment, when these correspondence plans were agreed upon, 18 months seamed manageable. It seamed so far away, yet so short in the span of a human life.
Every time a change in our correspondence rounds the corner two things happen. At first I resist. Then I scramble in fear. I resist my end of the bargain, if someone says I have to write a letter every month - I want nothing more than to NOT write a letter every month. And then I settle into the realization that I'm taking a step away from Layla's Angel and I scramble to keep her close to me.
I know that it must be impossible to understand why I would be so afraid of losing someone who once was the competing role of mother. What I wish for you to understand this Christmas season is the unconditional and unwavering love and sacrifice that our Heavenly Father must have for us. The only way I can possibly conceive this truth is to relate it to the experience I've had watching a mother let go of her child in order to provide her with a wonderful life. Heavenly Father must weep when his spirits come to this earth to endure heart ache and pain and struggle through their journey in this mortal world. But He must also rejoice when He welcomes us each home and he hears what a beautiful life we've lived.
In opposition to what most might believe about Layla's Angel and my relationship with her, I am not afraid. I love her with more feeling in my heart than one will ever know. It's the emotion you feel when you look at your sleeping child and pure love pours out of your every being. I watched a mother nurture her child for 9 months. A mother who battled others to encourage their understanding of the life she was providing Layla. I watched a mother stand alone in her choice to spare Layla the consequences of her mistakes. An Angel as she selflessly placed a baby whom she loved more than life - into my arms. Do you know how much that Angel wanted to be a mother? Do you know that she had every capability to be one? The only thing she didn't have was a worthy priesthood holder to be the father and a husband. Layla's Angel is an honest demonstration of Christ's love. To want something but to sacrifice your every desire to show love for another human being. She placed Layla in our family only because she wanted Layla to have the most perfect life possible. She spared Layla the life of bouncing back and forth between religions, between families, between parents. She knew she could be a mom but she chose the selfless path.
I am going to miss her in my life. I think of her daily. She is a sister to me. A sister who in the pre-mortal existence made a pact with Layla. If Layla would help her find Christ on earth, she would help Layla find her mom and dad on earth. Simple as that. I've thanked her in writing and in gifts and in prayer. I don't know how else to thank her. I also don't know how else I could express to you the feelings I have for her. I love her as I love Christ. She gave me life. After January 6th our contact will forever cease. Until the Hereafter, where I can hug her and thank her for being an example of Christ in my life. Maybe then, I'll be able to understand why I was so blessed to be on the receiving end of her sacrifice.
I know it's simple.
It's not enough.
But it's the only way I can say it.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
I love you.
