UP DOWNS

It's been a rough few weeks with A LOT of ups and downs. Yesterday was amazeballs and I had a fantastic time with the kids at the zoo. I got dinner prepped and kids bathed and I even came up with about 5 blog posts I just couldn't wait to write!
Today I think it would be more enjoyable to bang my head against a wall all day than deal with the underwriters for our home loan. You're approved... no wait, thirty five more pages of paperwork to fish around for while holding screaming kids. Ok, now you're approved... no wait... more paperwork. Oh ya, and can you do laundry, clean, pack and work on losing 80 lbs in the mean time? Super.
Tomorrow will be an up day and I have just the post to prove it.

PREP WORK

I've been feeing the itch to get life in order before we make the big move. 

However, time escapes my grasp and before the end of the day... I've accomplished little "prep work."

I was on a cleaning frenzee the other night and freaked out at how dirty the car seats were. 

They've been disinfected, sanitized and washed now and I feel much more calm.

The laundry around these parts... I swear my clothes are multiplying and replenishing my laundry room.

Buca Bird has been busy doing things like....

Ohwee does this just about all day long...

And oh ya, this one crawls now... Heaven help me.

For today and tomorrow, there's more de-junking, organizing, packing, and daydreaming of what life will be like in our own home to do. 

... ON BECOMING A ROCKSTAR

I never used to rock my babies to sleep. I had read too many books and heard too many horror stories about how ruined my life would be if my newborns became dependent on being rocked to sleep. I would rock Layla and sing to her in my awfully tone deaf voice but only when she was awake and I was very adamant that she learned to fall asleep in bed, alone. 

I began to soften my sleep strategies with Rider and although I followed the same fundamental ideas of a routine and sleep schedule... I relaxed a little. I no longer feared that if I rocked my son once and awhile, he would become a dependent screaming sleepless child. I learned that if a baby gets off routine for a few days, not to panic, the pendulum will always swing back and they will get back on schedule within a few days at home. 

And then came Ohwee. He's a mama's boy and just like his dad at a young age, he needs a cuddle and a rock-a-bye routine at night. And I'm perfectly OK with that. While rocking him to sleep a few nights ago I realized I only have about 2 more months with this baby until he'll be too big and won't want to be rocked. He'll be pushing off my lap and wanting to crawl away in a matter of weeks. 

Yes I miss the comments after I'd put one of my children down and our guests would say "Wow, that's so nice that you can just lay them down and they go to sleep." I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment when I'd hear those stand in awe of my sleep training skills. But "NICE" for who? "Nice" for me? What? So I can selfishly spend more time with my friends or hurry and get back to my primetime television show? "Nice" that my babies don't need me to comfort themselves? I had things so twisted around... "NICE" is when you spend the time to watch your wee one's eyes slowly grow heavy and they sweetly flash you one last small smile before finally closing their eyes and drifting off. "Nice" is patting your baby's bum and rubbing his little body with your loving hands while you snuggle them close to your heart. "Nice" is taking the time to really smell their head and neck and ears and gently stroke their cheek with your lips while you savor the time that they are small enough to fit in your arms. Because when all is said and done and my almost-three year old asks me now to rock her in the chair before bed... now I relish in her angelic face instead of worry that I'm creating a monster. 

When we sign up to be parents, we relinquish our right to have priorities over our children. They are our number one priority, not my evening TV show, not my visitors in my home, not going out on a date with kday... taking the time to enjoy my babies before they are no longer babies, THAT's my priority. So don't call me between 6:30 pm and 8 pm... I'll be busy rocking my babies to sleep. I have official become a "rockstar" and I love it.

This was the day Rider came home to us... I spent all day in the rocking chair with him. Staring at him in awe. 

WHOLE MADE OF PIECES

Oh my babies. 

What more can I say other than motherhood is the hardest most demanding job title I've ever held. 

It's harder than my 8 week internship at the V.A Hospital where I cried in the bathroom every single day.

It's so hard that sometimes I pretend to go to the bathroom, just so I can have a 2 minute break.

It's also THE MOST SATISFYING and rewarding job I've ever held.

It's the job title I fought long and hard for.

There are many moments in the day when I feel like I'm failing in epic proportions.

But there are moments like this... when my heart swells with joy and I can only giggle or cry because it's the most magical moment. 

A few weeks ago my dear swiss SIL sent me an email that touched my heart. 

Although she was on another continent during my labor and delivery of Ohwee... his little spirit touched her and she knew the very moment he was taking his first breaths. 

At 4:35 am Utah time my SIL was overcome by a most beautiful song that describes my journey to become a mother and my babies journey's to our family. 

It's Whole Made of Pieces from the We Bought a Zoo Soundtrack

It's a most beautiful song and I can honestly say it perfectly and precisely emulates the very moments leading up to Owen's first moments on this earth outside of my body. 

Every time I listen to this song it reminds me of the miracles I've been blessed with.

My family.

We are a "whole" made of "pieces"

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

To all you mother's who are still awaiting the arrival of your miracle babies... 

I have faith that our Father in Heaven knows us perfectly and intimately and His plan is perfect. 

The pain and suffering that comes with infertility is real, honest, and raw.

Hold on with everlasting faith that your babies are coming and it's so worth the wait.

And it's OK to hide out on mother's day to avoid the pitty comments. :)

My heart aches for you.

Hold on just a little longer. 

NEW BEGINNINGS

We've finally found a perfect place. Can't wait. It's going to be a hectic 6-7 weeks ahead of us until we get everything painted and moved in. I can hardly stand sitting like a duck and waiting to play house. The set up is always so much fun. However, I've never moved into a house while caring for 3 kids... so maybe fun isn't the right word. Exciting? Ya, exciting.

VETO

Lot's of things to post about. For one thing, I need to say thank you for all your support and kindness during my two weeks of R&R. Kday and I headed to St. Geezy for some mucho needed sleep and a little soul searching. I found my center again. I found a little piece of the old Sday.

A while ago I was toying with the idea of changing my blog to "My 3 Ring Circus" because of the chaos of my new life as a mother of 3. However, after a lot of contemplation and reflection of my place here on the world wide web... I veto'd the idea. There a million plus - blogs about motherhood and the daily musings of kids and life as a busy mom. Heaven knows I'm not the first busy mom. This little scrap of writing space is my notepad to fill with scribbling thoughts of the age old question of "who am I?" I wouldn't say I'm an identity crisis kind of gal, no, but I'm ever changing and growing. I'm in flux - so to say. So it shall remain "Finding Sday" because each day, each challenge, each accomplishment, each moment... I find a little more about myself and a little more about the person I hope to find when I search inside.

So my weekend away brought me great solitude and peace. The almost seventy two hours of not being constantly interrupted by a toddler or baby crying really allowed me to think and listen. I haven't had that kind of time to listen to myself in a long long time. I'd say... about nine months or so. I had a lot of listening to do... and a lot of reflecting.

More to come on the findings of my trip to solitude down in the red rock dessert of St. G.
As for now... here's a smokin hot picture of me after getting eleven and a half... count em again - yes 11.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. That's like pre-kids kind of sleep. Or teenager on a saturday kind of sleep! It was awesome. And so was my hair afterward-

No shame.

DON'T BE MISTAKEN

Admitting my current state is one of the hardest things I'll ever do in my life. What I'm about to disclose is a reality that I am only choosing to write about in order to help increase awareness and offer support in the future. Right now though, I'm the one in need of some support. I have to admit it out loud if I'm going to deal with it. I'm in the midst of more than just the baby blues. I have a case of Post-partum Depression.

I haven't had a bout with depression since 2 years prior to Layla's birth, so for me to admit that I'm here again is heart breaking for me. I've stood before other women and actually been a mentor, an educator on how not to get here and how to escape the grips of the dark cloud. But here I am, having to remind myself of everything I've taught others. So I'm doing what I know how to do. I'm taking care of myself and I'm clearing my plate a little, until I am healed.

I can only hope that my readers and people around the world will educate themselves enough to know that what is going on with me DOES NOT mean that I'm not happy. It DOES NOT mean that I don't love my children so much it makes my heart ache. It DOES NOT mean I'm not fit to be a mother. It DOES NOT mean I'm a bad, sick person. I AM SO BLESSED AND SO SO SO HAPPY TO BE A MOTHER. NOTHING HAS EVER BROUGHT ME GREATER JOY AND FULFILLMENT THAN MY BABIES. So please don't misunderstand my depression for a lack of love and happiness.

It means that my body is recovering from some major hormonal changes that it is not accustom to. My body doesn't go through the natural woman's cycle that most do. These hormones are not something I've had to cope with in my 30 years of life, until now. It means I need to take some time to get some much needed sleep. Real sleep. Not interrupted sleep. I need to focus on the basics and caring for my needs as well as the needs of my three darlings.

So this week and maybe even next week, I'll be taking a break. Getting some sleep, fresh air, and focusing on loving my children to the greatest capacity... that will be my focus for a few days. I have a 5 point plan on how to beat this beast. And I'm actually looking foreword to being able to write about this journey in the future. I've always felt strongly that by being open and honest and talking about depression - I can help others who are in the hold of of the dark cloud as well as those who have loved ones in the cloud and don't know how to help them. So here I go... I'm going to climb out of the hole, get out from under the cloud and make a return soon so I can be yet another voice of understanding.

Wish me luck. I need all the understanding I can get.
* And a big big big thank you to my most understanding and supportive husband who continues to love me and help me heal.