MADE FOR IT

Talk about possibly the most monumental Mamma Moment yet! This is like legit motherhood right here, preschool. Real preschool. Last year was awesome, co-op joy school is perfection for a first time mom of a 3 year old. But this year we were ready the real deal. I'm certain the majority of you are scoffing at my unnecessary over thinking, and I'm sure you're right. However, it felt like a colossal decision in my book. Layla is my best buddy, my second pair of hands, my lunch conversationalist, and much much more. Sending away my first baby to be under the influence of another adult, other children and a whole new environment is super scary. I know, paranoid genuine crazy woman here. I'm well aware of my issues :)

The great debate included:

A: Walkable vs a 10 min commute (which with 3 kids in car seats = more like a 45 min commute)

B: Cost. Was the commute worth saving $20 a month?

C: 2 days a week vs. 3 days a week

D: Morning or afternoon. 

 Alas the walkable distance (we're talking like two houses away) just massively outweighed any other variables. And wouldn't you know it, things have worked out perfectly. Morning school has allowed for some rockin fun one-one time with the boys and some niiiiiiiice long naps in the afternoon. Three days a week and Layla still can't get enough. She was MADE for circle time, snack time, crafts, questions of the day, and all other things preschool.  I had to remind her to "get back here and gimme a kiss!" because she could hardly wait to sprint out of my grasp and into big kid reality. 

The boys happily marched their stubby little legs across the neighbors yard and parked their saggy diapers on the curb while waiting for "sissy." The moment Owen saw the preschool door open and kids pouring down the driveway, that little toe-head squeeled "Yay-ya!" and ran to his favorite "sissy" for a squeeze. They missed their bossy big sister and so did I. She chatted for the next hour and half about every detail of school, and then crashed in her little bed... and reverted right back to my first baby while I watched her sleep. 

And life was good. 

HOW I FELL IN LOVE WITH 3 STRANGERS

I don't know if I've blogged about this topic before, and if I have and you actually remember the post - then props to you for having your shwag together more than I do. I'm all jacked up on adoptive mom emotions right now, and have been for the past few weeks. Different events have stirred my emotions as an adoptive mom as of late. Some awesome events, some hard. Either way, it seems that just when I start feeling like a "normal" mom, for whatever reason the universe has a tendency to strike me with a situation that reminds me that I'm "a mom with strings attached." But that's a whole other load of posts to be written. Some day. But today I came across a blog about open adoption and the writer posed the question, "I wonder if I would love a biological child as much as I love my children (who were adopted)" I wanted to write this post for ANYONE OUT IN THE WORLD who might be wondering the same thing. Whether an adoptive mom, adoptee, birth parent, or biological family... here goes:

Every single moment of my pregnancy with Owen was spent worrying about something or other... but mostly I worried that I might love him too much. I wondered things like:
"When I see him for the first time will I know him more intimately than my babies that grew in someone else's uterus?" (frankly speaking)
"Will we have a bond that is just incomparable to that of my adopted children?"
"I'm certain I'll know him since after all, he's been with me every single day for 9 months."
"What if I love him more?"

Guess what the most awesome part of being a mom to a mixed family is?! I can honestly say, there isn't one single more iota of love for Owen than there is for Rider and Layla. The first time I laid eyes on Owen felt just as surprising and new as it had with my first two kids. I remember VIVIDLY each individual moment that I first saw my children and each time I was filled with wonder, curiosity and LOVE for who they were.

July 6, 2009 about 5pm

 California Hospital NICU

August 29, 2011 about 6 am

Utah Hospital delivery room

January 14, 20143 about 4am

Ogden Regional Utah Delivery Room

Owen was as complete of a stranger to me as Layla and Rider had been. I was so pleasantly surprised when I looked at the baby that I had just birthed and there was no "Oh yes, I just know everything about you!" or "Oh yes, you're MY baby!"
What there was - was, ""Wow, look at you! You're here! You made it!" "Oh you're so beautiful! I can't wait to get to know you!" "I hope you know that this moment has forever changed me as a human because I love you so much already and I will spend the rest of my life proving my love for you." And a little, "Huh, so that's what you look like, sound like, smell like, act like?"

All three babies were strangers to me. All three claimed a piece of my heart instantaneously. And all three took some getting to know you time. The first time I nursed Owen, well, he might as well been somebody else's baby. It kinda felt like, "Ok, so Im you'r mom I guess. And I'm going to try this whole nursing thing ok? I hope you're cool with that." And guess what's even better news?! To all you mom's out there who've guilted yourself for years because all the nazi nursers say that breast is best.... I have two babies that I bottle fed and one that I nursed (well, ok, nursed for 10 whole weeks) and I AM BONDED TO THEM ALL THE SAME. Bonding to my children came through being their mother and caretaker day in and day out, not from sitting on a couch with them latched on like a suckling animal in the wild. (side rant. sorry)
All three babies felt like new people that I'd never met before and all three felt perfect the moment I held them.

So although sometimes being an adoptive mom is different than being a natural mom, the difference isn't in how much I love my kids... it's in stupid mortal things like wondering if the lady at the grocery store can tell that my kids don't look like me. We need to let ourselves off the hook with certain "adoptive mom" vs "natural mom" feelings, because in MY heart of hearts... there is no difference. Just life changing, breath taking, immeasurable love for the children I've been gifted with. And the next best part that any parent knows - just in case you did in fact doubt my love in the first place - we parents fall in love with our children over and over and over. The fist time they blow you a kiss, or say mamma, the hundred and tenth time you catch them at the bottom of the slide.... head over heals grubby mom shoes in love. every. stinking. time.

TRUE GRIT

We stuffed the Pilot to the brim and hauled our three little cherubs north-eastward to Signal Mountain Campground, inside Teton National Park. Bear country at it's best, so it only seemed fit to let the brother bears experience their mother land.

There was so. much. dirt. 

SOOOOOO MUCH. 

Dusty, powdery, endless, filthy dirt. 

And the brother bears were in heaven. 

I tried not to let it make me feel short of breath, dizzy, heart in my throat kind of anxious...

all the while the kids were happily turning into dust mongrels.

And somehow I didn't take a single picture to prove of they're filthiness. 

There were dirty binki's

Pre-hike breakfasts

There were amazing views

There was a lot of rock throwing

and amazing memories at the lake

 We took exciting hikes to remote lakes

with monkey's on our backs 

And we caught the smiles to prove it. 

Until next year... when we'll pick a less dusty campsite. Thanks Wyoming for the amazing trip!

MALFUNCTION

Before you go thinking that I've left you all in the dust and forgotten to post about all the lovely and wonderful things that we've been experiencing as of late.... just know that we're in the depths of a bit of a system malfunction and and we'll be back up and running soon.
It's a looooong story. Long and dramatic.
But all is well. Posts about Layla's first day of REAL pre-school, our camping trip to Wyoming, and the upcoming cyclecross season are just a few of things I can't wait to tell you about.
So sit tight and we'll be with you shortly... when all this gets sorted out. :)

to keep you entertained while waiting.... here's a little treat:

TWO-FERS

RIDER
(if you've ever wanted to know where his name originated... click over to kday's post)

My sweet boy is a real boy today. Two always kind of seems to mark the end of anything "baby" around our house. Well, that's a lie, cuz I don't even think about potty training and binky weening until 3. But still, big fat two is suddenly seeming all grown up - and as sad as I feel about it, I love the little boy that is emerging. I've literally watched this quiet litte introvert begin to manifest the inner workings of his little mind. Oooooh he's a lover - despite that he says "NO!" to just about every. single. thing. that is said to him. But I will say this, and if you know my Rider-roo.... you'll understand - BIRD! FISH!

This boy is such equal parts loud and quiet all at the same time. It's impossible to explain but if you know him, you get it. 

Shy as shy can be. He'll flash that killer dimple of his and then hide his dark sultry eyes as soon as you think you've made progress. And all he'll give you is a half glance out of the very most corner of his eye, head ducked to see if you've given up yet and left him alone. 

Books, books and more books. Rider will sit and read a book so quietly for an hour that I sometimes forget where he is. 

He's as thoughtful as boys come. If Rider gets hold of a binki, his brother is going to have one too - and Rider will march right over to Owen and slide his extra binki into Owen's mouth no matter where or what Owen is busy doing. Then he walks off like "ya bro, your welcome for that." Not a word is ever exchanged. 

He sleeps and sleeps and sleeps. 

And just in the last two weeks he's discovered the joy of playing with his older sister. 

He's excitement stutter is starting to shorten from "ah ah ah ah bird!" to "ha bug, ha bird, ha dad." I kinda hope he doesn't let go of this cute little mannerism for "ha while." 

Mom! Ha Bug!

Most of all, he's my easy boy.... unless Owen get's ahold of him and then they suddendly become a dynamic duo that has no limits. Rider is usually the quiet plotter behind the trouble and Owen is the one willing to be on the front line's taking the risk - like escaping through the dog door and barreling through the house is his cousin's dolly stroller at mach speed. 

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET SWEET BOY.

Rider lost his last surviving GREAT grandpa this week.
He will be missed, as Grandpa ralph had so much to share with my little boys.

BEEN BUSY

A 5+ hour car ride with young kids is no easy endeavor, especially when Kday and I choose not to use DVD/Ipad players in the car. (At least for sub 7 hour car rides! It just works for our family and not throwing any judgment out there to those who use them!) But I was up to the challenge, and so were my kiddos. 

I spent three days before the trip planning and creating a "BUSY BAG" for each of the kids. A quick trip to the dollar store and some around the house items, voila. Some of the busy bag games included: 

FOAM BEAD PATTERNS

 I used the sponges off Layla's foam curlers that we've never used, and a package of new sponges. I cut up the curler sponges into small pieces, made square beads out of the new sponges and pipe cleaners to thread with. I printed out a few patters and Layla really loved this activity.

 MAGNETIC PUZZLES

I simply took a puzzle I had in the play room, (thanks to Kday's oldest sister Sidders who has the best hand-me downs!) I slapped some magnetic strips on the back and used a baking dish. It's the perfect toddler friendly puzzle because the pieces don't slide around during a winding car ride.

I also grabbed a $1 barbie puzzle for Layla and again made it magnetic. The trays are great also to keep pieces from falling on the floor.

FLASH CARDS

Another $1 store find- Numbers, Letters, and Opposites.  I used a hole punch and put them on a ring so the kids could easily flip through them without dropping card all over the back of the car. The boys liked it when I'd ask them to find a specific picture on one of the cards and they'd try to find the right one. 

TACTILE SQUISHY BALL

 A neighbor gave these to the kiddos the other day and I confiscated them an kept them a secret until the drive. New toys are always more exciting.

POM POM POP IN

Kday drilled holes in the lid of a Tupperware that was just the right size to push pom poms into. Owen is really into putting objects into containers and this was a great repetitive task for his chubby little fingers.

PIPE CLEANER SORTING

Same idea as the pom pom's but with pipe cleaners and added the element of matching colors.

 STICKERS

Stickers and a little note pad go a looooong way with my kids. 

 SORTING OF SORTS

I found these magnificent little ice cube trays at the dollar store and they were great for following patterns with the pom poms or divying out treats. Rider likes to shove every single piece of food into his mouth at once, so this was a good way to slow him down and make his treats last. Or, pretend it's a boat which is what Owen did. Hey, whatever keeps them happy for a couple miles - right!?

LAST RESORT

You know that moment on a road trip when all Hell breaks lose and the kids diapers a soggy, everyone is screaming because they can't stand another minute being strapped in a 5 point harness, and you debate stopping just shy of your destination or pushing through?! That's when suckers are a LIFE SAVER!!!! These ridiculous sucker binki's were a hit and they kept all crying mouths quiet for the last 20 miles so we could reach Jackson Hole in peace and quiet. (after many experiments I'd add that a fancy exciting sucker and not just a plain dum-dum makes all the difference in the success of this trick)

Throw everything in their individual bag and magically the kids were super awesome for the entire drive. Boy oh boy did the kids impress! They enjoyed the scenery, played I-spy, sang songs and actually didn't even need the busy bags until the last 50 miles! 

And just in case this post sounds too "peachy keen"... It was still a 6 hour car ride with three kids and thus a little demanding on mom and dad to keep kids entertained, pick up dropped binki's and sippy cups, and potty stops. But we survived another trip sans media devices and enjoyed each other's company and the scenery! Yay Day!

PRIMA-BALLERINA DAYS

The sound of the clanky classic piano music echo'ing across the hardwood floor tapped on my heart. The sunlight was shining through the closed blinds as to keep the classroom private and free from distractions, and the mirrors perfectly cleaned without a hint of grubby little boy fingerprints.  Ballet classes began last week and my little Layla once again reminds me of the changes happening around me. I keep finding myself swooped up into new stages of motherhood and I'm always caught off guard by the speed of passage.

This year marks the beginnings of out of the home extracurricular activities and learning experiences. Preschool and ballet. Preschool deserves it's very own post to cover my waxing and waning emotions on the idea. But ballet has arrived, Layla and I were both whirling with excitement as she donned her powder pink leotard and tights. Top knot bun in tow and her ever growing bare feet itching to learn coordinated movements. A few tears collected in my eyes as I welcomed the excitement of new things to come. My relationship with Layla continues to change as each new experience materializes. My heart felt pride and sadness when I watched my first baby prance away from me and into the ballet studio, without a fleeting look of nerves or need for her matriarch in her eyes. She was completely prepared to let go of my hand and grasp onto the offerings of the outside world. I however, wasn't as poised in letting go of the tiny warm hand of my first miracle baby.

But off she went and her little heart was able to dance, prance, and move to it's content. As her class is closed to spectators, I eagerly waited to see her reaction as she chassé'd across the room and out the door. We met each other with smiles and I listened ever intently as she spilled her guts about her class. We continued home giggling and laughing together about her new adventure, and I focused on how happy I was to be on this journey by her side.

Meanwhile, I think the brother bears were well aware of the new stage in life. 

"Waiting for sister." 

They have a year of waiting outside of ballet classes and preschool ahead of them.

And I think we'll find ourselves making the most of it.