First off it must be mentioned that I am so well aware of how blessed I am. I have been given the gift of motherhood, a gift I never thought would arrive. And yet, here I am, wondering if I deserve it.
The past few weeks have been wonderful and rough all within the same scope. I'm adjusting to my role as a mother of three as well as adjusting to the fact that my life has changed dramatically. They say "there's a time and a season for everything," and I'm coming to terms with the realization of what season I'm in now.
Wait, back up. Let me explain.
Kday and I had been thinking about starting fertility treatments again and estimating the arrival of a sibling for Layla within the next few years. Then WHAM! A huge unexpected BLESSING landed in our laps. The adoption of my beloved Rider. And then a month later - WHAM! Another BLESSING... Pregnant. And before I knew it I was shuffled into a new season of life. It's a great season, it's just a different one and it's something I hadn't planned on for another few years.
What's my point? Here it is.
(this object lesson was taken from my Sunday Church class a few weeks ago. It resonated with me and it makes perfect sense.) You know how the Amaryllis flower blossoms a beautiful, large flower? It's can be breath taking and something to stop and admire. Did you know that it can blossom more than once? But in order to blossom twice it must go through a cycle... the first flower falls off and leaves the long green leafs behind. Then they wilt and fall off and the plant must be placed in a cool, dark place for 6 weeks. Then with a little TLC, water and sunlight - viola! The beautiful flower makes it's return.
Last year I felt like the beautiful flower, something worthy of inspiration and great worth. And right now, it's sometimes hard to even feel like the simple green leaves.... (still pretty, but not quiet as breathtaking as the flower) Right now I feel like I've been in a 6 week dark place. PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND. I'm not discounting the wonderfulness that my life as a mother is. I'm simply saying that I don't feel like I have much to offer the world right now. I rarely get out, I hardly have any words of inspiration, I barely make it from one diaper change and one feeding to the next. I feel a little like my flowers and leaves have wilted and I'm just a stump in the dirt, awaiting my next season of blossom.
Sometimes it's hard to see my worth when I'm so focused on these beautiful babies and unable to focus on anything else. I'm losing myself to my children, that's not a bad thing... It's just a different season and I'm learning how to best offer my worth to them.
4 comments:
Wow. You are inspiring even though I'm not getting to see you near as often as I'd like. What an incredible analogy - love it. The amaryllis at the office is not growing ... not sure what that says about my season at the moment :).
Baby+3rd Child is a shake up to be sure. I'm swimming in it trying to figure it all out too, and my youngest aren't that close in age!
You're doing awesome. :o)
I can only imagine how difficult it must be sometimes (okay, all the time) but I hope you soon get yourself in a routine and start feeling like a beautiful blooming flower again. I understand that airing grievances isn't complaining, and that it MUST be done.
Best of luck getting through the days, Mama!
You are experiencing what pretty much every mother of little ones close together in age experiences> I remember feeling EXACTLY the same way, only I wasn't smart enough to realize and analyze it in the moment. It's kind of like recovery to alcohol or drug addiction; the first step is recognizing the problem. Now that you have had that wonderful R.S. lesson to help you understand, you can try to enjoy the season as you work toward being an even more fulfilled woman than you were before. Just keep up the fertilization of prayer, scriptures, church attendance, and accepting the love offered you daily by those around you, and before you know it you will blooming in all of your glory!
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