OWEE BEAR part 2

Sorry for the "private" video posting. It's now, not so private and up for your viewing pleasure.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE THAT GIRL - the fat one

Winter  2007

Fall 2009

 Winter 2009

Fall 2012

You know, INTIBTG ... the one that lost a ton of weight and gained control over her life and inspired others. But I did. And now I never thought I'd be the girl that gains it all back and has to find the courage and strength to lose it all over again.
After losing the weight the first time, I never thought I'd have to be embarrassed every time I see someone who knew the thin me. I never thought I'd be the girl hiding from the camera and worrying that her kids will grow up ashamed of their mom. I never thought I'd be the person who gets winded just walking up a flight of stairs.
I just never thought I'd be the fat girl - again.

So cheers to round two. Let's hope to hell there's not a round three.

OWEE BEAR... 365 DAYS OLD

How I love my little Owee. I loved delivering him into this world. I loved carrying him for 9 months inside me. And I've loved carrying him on my hip for the past 12 months. Today is his birthday. He'll be taking lot's of baths (it's his favorite thing in the universe), getting lots of kisses, and possibly taking a nap with yours truly on the couch... while we watch this:

BABY WEIGHT

DECEMBER 31 2011.

It sounds a little psychoanalytical and maybe just psycho... but I think I realized one of the reasons I haven't lost a single pound since delivering Owen almost 1 year ago. I have two reasons - but the first is I'm still holding onto my baby weight in part because it's kind of like holding onto my pregnancy. Sounds crazy - I'm well aware of that. On one of my recent walks I came to this conclusion and it made so much sense to me. I loved being pregnant. I waited so long to experience a pregnancy and I didn't want it to end.
I really think I've been holding onto my baby weight as a last ditch effort to hold onto the joys of pregnancy.

But here we are, an entire year after my last trimester and it's time to let go. Remember how "Letting Go" is part of my new years intention? It refers mostly to letting go of my baby weight. It no longer serves me. Owen is my reminder of the joys of pregnancy and if I ever hope to experience pregnancy again - I need to let go of this one. And I need to take care of my body again, so it can take care of me. People often question me about "why do you think you all of a sudden got pregnant when you did?" My answer is - I was finally ready. I wasn't at my "thinnest" but I was at my healthiest. I was mentally the healthiest I've ever been, I was doing what I loved - which was running, I was enjoying my every day life and taking care of my body. My life was in order and it's time to find that order again. Not because I'm seeking another pregnancy (not yet... maybe in a few years!),  but because I'm seeking the SDAY that I know is inside and feeling suffocated by all the weight that's holding her back.

So cheers to letting go of my pregnancy and baby weight! Finally. A year later.

SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO LET GO OF THE THINGS WE LOVE...
JUST ASK RIDER :)

WHAT AM I THINKING?

I signed up for a 1/2 marathon. 

That's 13.1 miles.

I weigh approximately 80 lbs more than the last time I ran one.

Yikes.

I obviously don't have time in the next 4 months to lose 80 lbs.

So I'll do what I can.

I train hard.

And I'll have to admit to myself that I probably won't be able to run the majority of it. 

I'll have to walk it. 

I HATE admitting that.

H.A.T.E

It aint gonna be pretty.

Of that I'm sure.

But I'm going to do it.

To remind myself that I CAN DO HARD THINGS.

365 DAYS OF SURVIVAL

When I first found out about the baby boys, although they're not twins, I was given a single bit of advice from all my friends who've survived twins. "JUST SURVIVE THE FIRST YEAR." I thought to myself, "Ok, I can do that... I can survive a year of anything right?"  (knock knock knock on wood :)) And that I did.

We're coming up on Ohwee's first birthday in a matter of weeks and as I reflect on 2012, unfortunately i see a year of too many regrets. It was much more than just survival in many ways, but as for my specific role as a mother... I definitely didn't THRIVE. I changed 600 diapers each month, I potty trained a 3 year old, I hosted bday parties, I moved, I folded a lot of baby laundry, I lugged car seats around, I burped, bounced, cuddled, rocked, bathed, and played a plenty. But I also did it in zombie mode.
How many times did I dress a fresh clean baby each night and enjoy the smell of him? - not enough.
How many times did I wipe up baby spit up? - a lot....
How often did I stop to remember how much i love the smell of baby spit up? - too few.
How many times did I curse baby O for waking in the night instead of just enjoying the moments of quiet with him ?- too many.
You get my drift. My babies are big babies now and I have very few memories of what the last 365 days held. I refuse to let the next 365 days pass aimlessly, only to look back and wonder where my year went. I plan to see each day vividly - with purpose and a present state of mind. I want to remember each day for what it has to offer, good or bad. Sometimes the days will be worth a few tears in the bucket of "Yikes today was a rough one." But at least I'll be present in the "yikes" moments instead of just passively surviving it without any recall the next day of what happened.

2012 - PICTURES SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS